Why some people (hello!) are rubbish at asking for help
Do you ever get really frustrated with some people? You offer them some assistance, the offer is obviously received, then they go their merry way, quite visibly struggling without it. Maybe you see others offering assistance to someone, and later seeing them in a mess. Well, surely they don't want to solve their own problem enough? Allow me to shed a little insight that may / may not be helpful. After all, I'm on of those infuriating individuals.
In recent years, being very self analytical (therapists and coaches I can hear you rolling your eyes, sorry), I've been wondering why. And just a few weeks ago I opened up the box again to try and figure out why. It was prompted by a former boss' article. His takeaway: finding new career opportunities within your network (here by the way https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/2020-vision-clive-gilson) being far, far more fruitful than generic job applications. In a nutshell, leverage your network, and ask for help. Makes sense right? Because as employers, do we look for a brand new (to us) person who we have to vet ourselves, a complete gamble? Or, do you go with recommendations from people you trust? Who've already done the detective work for you? It's a no brainer! So, it makes sense that when you need some help to find opportunities, you ought to put yourself out there in the friend-of-a-friend recommendation group. Not the CV pile. But unfortunately, that means talking to people.... Let me explain why for some that strikes fear into the heart of some of us.
So I'm not a natural people person (if you know me, no surprise there), that's not been my strength over my career. However, something I'm proud of, is I've learnt to be far better. Stakeholder management - people who manage me, people I manage, my peers, clients, suppliers, I get it. It's important. I can sometimes even be quite good at it - but through hard experience from my career. However, for us unnaturally good at people people, it's not a go to option. It's an overgrown brambly thorny trail for us, whilst an immaculate footpath for normal people.
But in recent weeks I've realised other quite destructive factors that hold me back. Another post, this time a tweet, cemented the realisation.
You *are* a product of your childhood, whether you like it or not. You built brick by brick your social rules and procedures based on those foundations. Here's two factors of mine that I've only just realised. So I reached back for root causes of some factors in my personality which aren't just plain idiotic, they are frustratingly in hindsight holding me back. And I hate inefficiency. The next paragraph might be a bit TMI (sorry), or even a bit triggering if you've got some difficult baggage - if you do feel free to skip it and go to the numbered points
My earliest memories of not wanting to rely on people - from being burnt by the experience - was when my father who I missed badly (my young parents split up early on, I think was about 5-ish) would make plans to come and see me. I'd be walked to the phone box to hear him say "sorry I'm late son, I'm definitely coming". I'd wait in the living room desperately hoping for a knock on the door. It never came. I don't know how many times this happened, but enough for it to be seared into memory. Next up, I had a very unpleasant replacement step dad (sadly I think very mentally unwell, and by the snippets I heard about his childhood and personality, it 100% figures). He destroyed me psychologically in ways that would take way too long to put here and take us completely off topic. But in summary, he instilled into me some core beliefs: I was ungrateful, I was selfish, I was an "I want". As a parent, I've long since realised this was a complete nonsense, I was none of those things more than any other child. But at the time, I drew important coping mechanisms (that were funnily, never enough...). Don't desire anything. Don't ask for anything. Don't even look at a game in a shop for fear of being caught looking, and torn a new one. Yes I know, social services would have had a field day these days, but this was early 90s so....
Anyway, two key coping themes as a result were:
1) Don't build your hopes up on people
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2) In any case, what have you done to deserve their help, anyway??? How selfish...
Oh, and a couple more factors have added to the toxic melting pot. I'm quite independent. I think this is an extra sachet of spicy sauce to a an already frisky vindaloo. Also, the not naturally good at human stuff. When I have reached for the emergency button, it's probably come across very awkwardly. Pre-occupied with my fear of rejection, rather than putting myself in the other person's shoes at how to phrase a quite possibly reasonable request. I may have even asked a bit too much, or too bluntly, or both. And at the first sign of trouble? Yep ok backup, abort, shutters up (or down, whatever closes them). Lesson reinforced: don't ever ask for help!
(Quickly just to be clear, I'm not asking for help through writing an article! Well, not right now anyway....)
If you know me, that probably explains a few things - it certainly does for me. But putting this down fills two more objectives for me. Firstly, it's self indulgently cathartic, clearly. Probably not as good as a coach (sorry Felicity) but still. Secondly, and I think this point is more importanter...
I guess a gentle reminder that people are dealing with all kinds of stuff possibly without even them realising. The asking for help thing and many other things that surely they should know. It may help just your understanding, and may help you work better with that person. Common sense isn't common, and all that. Now a disclaimer, I'm no shining example, far from it. I've been guilty in the past of writing people off personally and professionally, because clearly they refuse to fix their own puzzle. But perhaps, just because you can see all the pieces, doesn't mean they can too...? I've decided to confront my needless obstacles, and reached out to people I know for advice / recommendations of work. It's been a liberating and surprising experience so far. Certainly worth a LinkedIn article. But also pulled all sorts of opportunities out of the woodwork. I did smash that emergency button a few months back, which is baring fruit in ways I couldn't have predicted, but in hindsight I really shouldn't have waited needlessly so long.
I don't do many articles. I wonder though, was that useful? Thoughtful? Inspirational? If so, for restorative balance, let's annihilate this blatant facade.... because to me, LinkedIn is has always been a complete circle j**k. With disingenuous posts and comments. "What great insight Jenny!" "Amazing inspiration Ken!" heart-emoji-hashtag-engagement-look-at-my-profile.com. Basically, loads of people using other people, just to get somewhere. Sure I get it, it's a game we all understand, you play it, and people don't mind. In fact they play it with you. And they do it back. I guess less cynically, you might even call it simply asking for hel.....
Oh..... I see now.