Why some leaders crash when they achieve success (and how to avoid it)

When I was a kid learning to cross-country ski, I struggled. It was hard to stand up, move forward, and go up hills. But eventually, I figured it out. Finally, I reached the top of a tall hill and coasted down the other side. I was exhilarated. But as my speed increased, I realized I didn’t know how to turn.

I felt overwhelmed and afraid, so I crashed on purpose to stop. My self-imposed crash felt controlled and safer than the scary, uncontrolled crash I imagined.

Many of my clients, after a lot of hard work, finally experience the dramatic success they always dreamed of. Some accomplish more than they even hoped for. But instead of feeling excited, they feel overwhelmed. Some feel indecisive, stuck, or even depressed. It's common for them to start sabotaging their success. I recognize these patterns because I struggle with them too.

What’s Going On?

For many people, success (however they define it) doesn’t feel as expected. Instead, when they become successful, many leaders:

• Feel like they are losing control.
• Feel like they can’t keep up.
• Fixate on new problems that might occur.
• Struggle with information overload.
• Don’t manage boundaries, especially with personal or family time.
• Feel guilty or embarrassed.
• Discover that accomplishments don’t always create happiness, peace, or fulfillment.

There are many reasons for this, but I want to highlight three:

1. Poor Definitions of Success

We often have poor definitions of success, expressed in two ways:

• We use someone else’s definition: We pin our aspirations on what we think others value or what we’ve been led to believe we value.
• We confuse methods for outcomes: Many people set a success goal like, “I want to accomplish X,” believing it will bring them financial security, respect, happiness, or peace. Unfortunately, X often doesn’t create the outcomes we thought it would.

2. Success Feels Different Than Expected

Many of my clients find that success feels different than they imagined. For example, someone may want to be the “go-to” provider for their service, thinking business will be easy at that point. When they succeed and everyone does go to them, they become very busy. Instead of everything becoming easier, high demand requires more staff, upgraded management, new infrastructure, etc.

It's not a negative message that we should avoid “flying too close to the sun” or that “every rose has its thorn.” But it's helpful to recognize when fantasy is informing our aspirations.

3. Internal 'Success Thermostats' Haven't Been Recalibrated

We all have a natural ‘set point’ of success that feels comfortable to us. Similar to a thermostat, if things start to cool down and we don’t get the results we want, we kick up the heat and get back on track. Conversely, if things start to heat up and go well, we instinctively try to cool down.

Most people can experience about a 15% variation before their ‘thermostat’ kicks in to reestablish success at a comfortable level. This applies to responsibilities, revenue, staff, opportunities for expansion, discretionary time, and even feelings like happiness or peace. It seems strange, but many of us can only experience so much peace before we compulsively feel the need to stir something up.

The challenge is to change the settings on our success thermostat. The best way I've learned to do this is to spend time around people who are at a ‘higher temperature.’ Being around them changes our sense of what normal is and helps adjust our ‘set point.’

Five Strategies to Avoid Crashing

1. Redefine success: Reflect on your definitions of success. Setting monetary or numeric goals is fine, but ask yourself, 'Why does this goal matter to me?' Often, what you truly desire is deeper and can be achieved more simply.
2. Avoid comparisons: This is a difficult habit to break. Focus on your personal journey. Comparing ourselves to others leads to arrogance or discontentment.
3. Practice gratitude: Take time to acknowledge the good things in your life. Don’t let them slip by unnoticed.
4. Learn to savor: Growing up, my dad always told us to suck on chocolate, not eat it. Practice savoring the things you are grateful for. Spend time in them.
5. Surround yourself with fulfilled people: We are heavily influenced by the people we surround ourselves with. Find people who seem content and at peace. Let yourself be influenced by them.

Question to Ask Yourself

Do you identify with the tendency to undermine your own success?

Where does this show up in your life?

Which of the strategies to avoid crashing might help you?

Take good care,

Christian