Why social media is making people miserable

I love Facebook. Most the time anyway. It’s a magnificent tool for staying in touch with friends far away and connecting with people I'd never otherwise meet. But like all tools, we can’t rely on it to do things it can’t – like replace the human element that's central to building authentic, trusting and lasting relationships.

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Interestingly, the latest research reveals that as we have built expansive social networks online, the depth and breadth of our networks offline has diminished. In fact, studies have found a strong correlation between time spent socializing online and depression. It begs the question: Why?

Our digital tools play to our vanity and vulnerability. We can easily become seduced by them, relying on them for affirmation, validation and a sense of belonging.  But as useful and fun as they can be, they can never fully replace ‘old-fashioned’ in-person conversation in building the quality relationships and genuine social networks we need to thrive.    Perhaps the most surprising finding in recent studies is that those who report feeling most alone, are those you’d expect it from least: young (under 35) ‘digital natives’ – the most prolific social networkers of all.

A study by the American Sociological Association found that the number of people saying there is no one with whom they discuss important matters nearly tripled over the last two decades. Another study found 48%  of respondents only had one confidant compared to a similar study 25 years ago when people said they had about three people they could confide in.  

Given the instantaneous gratification we get from our screens, our brains can quickly become addicted to the hit of micro-endorphins when someone retweets our comment, reposts our Instagram pic or likes our pithy Facebook update (Please feel free to comment and share this!) Yet  the time we spend socializing online can not only discourage face-to-face communication, but can impair our confidence and skill at in engaging in real conversations with real people. 

Just as the most mesmerizing avatars cannot compensate for what’s missing in real life nor can an online social network can ever replace a real one. 

Social networking provides a means of escape; an easy out on having to confront those parts of our lives we wish were different, better, more glamorous and less mundane. It’s an all too convenient means of avoiding sometimes-harsh realities and playing pretend (to ourselves and others) with our lives. Online websites promise avatars that will allow us to admire our bodies, love our lives, and have a dream romance in all fifty shades of grey. But at what cost to our real life  – marriage, body, finances, work, friendships –  that we must face after we finally log off?  

As you read this now, millions of people are “connecting” and socializing with people they may never meet in person all while they fail to make eye contact with the people a few steps away, or sitting right beside them. The former are ‘safe,’ enabling us to show only as much as we want. The people beside us get to see the un-airbrushed version. Better to stay glued to our screens. 

It's because social media is so seductive that we must be intentional in connecting with the people right around us.  We have to make the conscious and courageous choice to turn off our devices and embrace  the awkwardness and imperfection of genuine relationships with real people.  Indeed, truly meaningful connection, demands the courage to be vulnerable – laying down the designer photo-shopped masks we can too easily hide behind and revealing who we really are and what's really going on in our less than perfect lives.

As technology reshapes our lives, we must rethink what we must do to create and maintain the rewarding relationships we want. 

For the record, Facebook, Twitter and the like do NOT making us lonely. We make ourselves lonely.  Likewise, we get to decide how we’ll use our devices, not the other way around.  As technology reshapes our lives, we must rethink what we must do to create and maintain the rewarding relationships we want.  We cannot become dependent on our online network to do things it simply cannot do. Only when we consciously decide to turn off our devices and tune into the people around us can we create the gloriously imperfect, but deeply satisfying relationships we all crave, and al need, to feel whole.

Genuine friendships are one of life’s greatest delights.  I wish you a life rich in them. Not thousands of friends. Just enough for you you to enjoy the authentic sense of connection and fulfilment you want, need and deserve.

So how about your step away from  your screen right now and go spend ten minutes connecting with the people in your office? Who knows, you may discover you have more in common than you think. 

Margie Warrell is a keynote speaker and the bestselling author of Stop Playing Safe, Find Your Courage and Brave.  She is also a leadership coach and Ambassador for Women in Global Business. Learn more at www.MargieWarrell.com