Why so uncomfortable about the tough conversations?

Why so uncomfortable about the tough conversations?

The undiluted newsletter is about humanising real conversations in the modern world of career, business and leadership. And more often than not, some of these are tough and honest conversations to have with ourselves or with those around us. And I know the resistance is real. I've seen how we react to honest conversations: the resistance, the gaslighting, the avoidance, the sweep-under-the-carpet because tough conversations are uncomfortable. Many of us are often uncomfortable about being uncomfortable.

There is no judgement in the last statement. On the scale of wanting certainty and comfort, abhorring any notion of discomfort (especially emotionally because "how intangible was that"), I was the poster child. Of course, life has a way of breaking it down for me and it eventually did. Over the years, I've learnt to appreciate those grappling with being uncomfortable with discomfort or being more aware of their own triggers. I am at a different end of the scale today but let's break it down quickly - what is so uncomfortable about being uncomfortable that affects our ability to have tough conversations effectively, or at all?

I've seen how we react to honest conversations: the resistance, the gaslighting, the avoidance, the sweep-under-the-carpet because tough conversations are uncomfortable.

Our capacity for discomfort is influenced by ...

Our need for routine, structure, certainty and predictability. Whether that inner threshold is high or low naturally varies amongst individuals. The unknown or unpredictable or uncalculated for is always a lot more scary then what we know, see or shed light on.

Our ability to appreciate emotional nuance in situations and understanding our own emotional capacity, responses and triggers. Emotions are rarely black or white, we can feel everything or seemingly opposing emotions at once, and they aren't structured in an easy-to-read manual of "what to do (refer to page x) when you feel (fill in the blank)". I stand corrected, there is also no "difficult-to-read" manual either for the same.

It doesn't "feel right". When a situation or conversation feels uncomfortable, something feels out of place or illogical. The boxes don't fit in the circles, the circles are not circles and the boxes have eight sides. Suddenly, the Wonderland in Alice in Wonderland looks like a more logical puzzle.

Underneath that, we are confronted with the possibility that we do not know all the answers or we do not know the answer right now. For whatever reason, in the professional workplace, we seem to have built this notion that the one who knows the most answers is the most competent or deserving of authority. So we have to know the answers and honest conversations, don't always have clear answers or any immediate answers. Good honest conversations have open-ended questions. (Sounds like the educational process of schooling? Where competency is measured by grades?)

4 ways to getting more comfortable with being uncomfortable

There is hope. (If I can move considerably along the scale, anyone else can.)

1. Take it gradual. Expanding our capacity for honest conversations and the discomfort that comes along with it isn't an exercise in ripping off the bandaid. It's a practice of toning your muscles and building strength in "resistance training" (pun intended) gradually. Start with conversations or topics that feel less of a trigger for you, and work from there. The practice to use here is "keep exercising and building, to keep showing up".
2. Explore a week (first) of not answering every question. (I don't mean suddenly go mute in meetings or during conversations with friends.) I meant for certain open-ended questions explore the possibility that you might not know the immediate answer, but am willing to sit with the open question for a while to take note of other responses. Some questions truly do not need to be answered, it's in asking the question that can trigger a new perspective at a very human issue at work. The mantra to use here is "not every question needs to be answered".
3. Look for solutions in the discomfort or in the parts that don't seem to fit right. Today, I like to sit with the discomfort when I cannot find a straightforward solutions to see if it brings clarity to what exactly that needs to be adjusted that I'm not immediately seeing on the surface. The discomfort tells you a lot, what is not being said or what is being overlooked. And when we try to quickly move past that because we are uncomfortable, we miss the crux of the matter. The practice to use here is to "the discomfort is one of your compasses".
4. Appreciate people around you and appreciate their wisdom. If you surround yourself with motivated, knowledgeable and wise individuals, chances are there would be something they'd be able to see more clearly than you could. When someone has an insight or a response that I overlooked, or seems to know better about a particular situation than I do, I learn and expand my perspectives. So for that, I'm always grateful, not fearful that the person is "better" somehow. This shift in perspective also changes the way we interact with individuals around us, there is less defensiveness and more tendency to collaborate because there is no need for envy or politics. The mantra to use here is "I appreciate the wisdom. I am grateful for the insights."

The need for honest conversations runs through every workplace. It doesn't mean we need to always dig deep every time you come face-to-face with someone. But it does mean that when the situation calls for it, to be comfortable in expanding your capacity to bring in honest conversations and stay with the discomfort. So that we can truly interact on a human level and work much better as teams, partners and/or collaborators.

Today, when I see discomfort arising out of honest conversations, I ran towards it. Sometimes even embrace it a little. It was a very big shift from a long journey. Yes, people do grow and evolve. So, care for a run?

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Welcome to my journey and the stories I have lined up for you. And if that transforms your office, the people, your business just a little bit, I am grateful. Welcome to Undiluted.

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