Why So Many Women Are Reluctant To Ask For What They Want and Deserve

Part of Kathy Caprino's series "The Most Powerful You"

“It’s the story of thousands of women around the world, and I have lived this personally - not feeling comfortable asserting myself, and not believing it was safe or right to ask for what I wanted, and being continually unsure of what I actually 'deserved.' This is a damaging experience that keeps so many women from thriving in their careers.” - Kathy Caprino

In my corporate life, before I became a therapist and career coach — and learned how to "peel the onion" to see what's really going in my life and why it is happening — I struggled terribly with not being able to ask for what I wanted or deserved. I would become very nervous and fearful even thinking about asserting myself or pushing back on something if I wanted more. Asking for a raise, promotion, or for help from someone at a higher level than me would send me to an agonizing "swirl" -- going over and over what I'd say, and worrying about how people would perceive me. Would they think I'm "bitchy" or pushy, or that I thought too highly of myself? Would I somehow be punished for it? I never examined why this process of asking for what I deserved was so hard, but I did notice around me both at work and in my personal life, that men didn't seem to have this same problem.

Now that I've worked with thousands of professional women around the world, from a vast array of backgrounds, educational and socioeconomic levels, training, roles and industries, and unpacked this challenge in my own life, I've seen that this is a problem that women face in epidemic proportions. In fact, it's what I refer to as Power Gap #3: Reluctance to Ask For What You Deserve, one of the 7 most damaging power gaps professional women face today. Based on the findings from my Power Gap Survey, 77% of the nearly 1,000 women studied say "Yes" or "No" to experiencing this gap.

Below is a real-life story of an inspiring professional woman I've worked with -- Janine - who shares a riveting example of how this gap plays out for many women:

Janine is a 41-year old career strategist and personal branding executive coach based in Hong Kong, and a married mother of two. Janine joined my Amazing Career Coach Certification training program back in 2018 with the aim of expanding her business and practice so that she could grow her reach and recognition as a top expert in Asia Pacific for career strategy, professional advancement, and personal branding. Janine is a beautiful, articulate, well-spoken and well-educated woman who on the outside appears to be very confident, self-assured and comfortable in her own skin. Upon meeting Janine, she seemed to me to be holding the reins of her business in a strong way, acting as a true agent of change in her life, running her personal and professional affairs in ways that appeared to be empowered and effective.

After I got to know Janine, however, and she shared more candidly her deep feelings, experiences and reactions to the challenges she was facing, a different picture emerged, one that revealed there had been—and continued to be—signs of a struggle to be assertive and to embrace her worth and value in the work she was doing in the world.

In Janine's words:

"I was too scared to ask for what I truly wanted. I returned to men who had cheated because I felt like I didn’t deserve more. I stayed in a job I passionately disliked for two years because I was unable to find the words to ask for a new role. I was paid below market rate because I would agonize for weeks leading up to an annual review and on the day fall short of asking for more. I filled my head with all the reasons why I didn’t deserve it and created lists of all the things I could do in the coming year to feel more deserving and please my key stakeholders. I would hold my tongue all the time, paralyzed with not feeling good enough, coupled with simply not being able to put the words together. Often, like my mum, I would be left sobbing behind closed doors, frustrated and feeling hurt and disappointed.

I became masterful at storytelling internally and externally, continually justifying why the status quo was ok. In my mid-20’s I was simply on autopilot, disengaged from my core needs and my true self. Instead of pushing limits, trying, failing and learning, I was too afraid to go after what I wanted, too wedded to what I thought I had to be to please others. Not deserving of asking for what I wanted and going after it.

I watched friends’ careers and relationships go from strength to strength off the back of their belief in themselves and the courage to be honest in what they needed while I shuffled forward. I accepted destructive relationships, projected my anger with myself onto others, saw inequality everywhere and would go to bat for others, but not for myself. "

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In my new book, The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss, Janine shares more of how this gap held her back from success, joy, reward and from living the life she wanted, and how what transpired in her childhood contributed to the formation of this gap. And she shares the powerful steps she took to overcome this gap. These steps are helpful for all of us who struggle with asking for what they want and deserve and reaching out to get the help they need.

To hear more, listen in to my latest Finding Brave podcast episode:

Why do so many women find it hard to ask for what they want and deserve?

Back in 2003, Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever wrote a powerful book Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and Gender Divide, in which they discuss their research findings that men are more likely than women to negotiate for what they want, and key reasons they shared are that: 1) Women have internalized messages that they shouldn’t promote their own interests, and 2) they’ve experienced directly in their work cultures that assertive women who ask for what they want are penalized and labeled “pushy” or “bitchy.” The authors also share, “Women tend to assume that they will be recognized and rewarded for working hard and doing a good job. Unlike men, they haven’t been taught that they can ask for more.

Are you a "bitch" if you speak up and are assertive and forceful? Absolutely not.

I remember in one of my corporate jobs, a senior leader told me, “Wow, you’re like a buzz saw!” referring to how I was able to get things done and move projects forward where others couldn’t. Should I be proud of that assessment or embarrassed? Was it good or bad to be a “buzz saw?” I truly didn’t know. But I was really confused for a long time by that term “buzz saw” and frankly, I wondered if any men in my position who “got things done” would ever be called that? I’m sure not. I believe that we’re still seeing today that men who get things done are viewed as “powerful,” “effective” and a great asset, but not a “buzz saw.” 

The important thing to remember when we have these experiences is that these evaluations are simply internalized perceptions that some men (and women) have been taught to have of strong women. They’re not “fact” and they’re not valid. We cannot take them in as fact. We can’t modify who we really are in order to placate people who’ve been culturally trained to see powerful women as "bitchy" or fierce. The more we all can stand up for ourselves and work to not internalize these judgments, the more the world will change for the better, and the more quickly a new world will be possible.

I hope you'll listen in to the podcast to learn more about why so many women are reluctant or afraid to ask for what they want and deserve. And if this resonates with you, I hope you'll embark on the "brave ask" journey starting today.

Highlights from this podcast episode:

• What research is saying about how men and women are different in the struggle of asking for what they want [7:48]
• A major reason why therapy alone often doesn’t help us overcome this power gap [8:58]
• Janine's real-life story about how and why she struggled to ask for what she wanted and deserved [10:19]
• The specific lessons this brave woman learned on her journey in regards to this power gap [15:55]
• Some key reasons why women are less likely to negotiate for what they want, and how the labels we use to describe people shape this dynamic [18:53]
• The action steps you can take to ask for things you want, such as a raise at work [21:43]
• Why women entrepreneurs struggle with asking for what they deserve in their own businesses [24:13]
• How to use internal exploration, along with some actual questions to help you get started with this process [28:06]
• A powerful way to reframe asking for help [32:43]

To understand if you're facing this gap today, answer these questions below. (For a full list of internal questions we need to ask ourselves, and external steps to take to address this gap, see The Most Powerful You):

1. Where specifically do I hold myself back today from asking for help and why do I do that?

2. What messages did I receive in my childhood and later in life that taught me that asking for help is wrong, weak or bad, or that I’m not worthy (or smart or capable enough) of having my biggest dreams for my life come true?

3. What do I deserve to have more of in my work-life today? Is it money, flexibility, leadership, impact? Why do I deserve it?

4. What can I do today to begin to build a strong, compelling case for making that expansion happen, and taking one powerful step towards that goal?

And here's a suggestion for one key step to take this week that will transform how you see yourself:

As you're on LinkedIn reading this, I'm guessing you're an active LinkedIn user. This week, reach out to 20 current and former colleagues whom you respect and admire (and who you have had a great relationship with) and ask for testimonials of your work, through the LinkedIn platform. Here's some language you can use and tweak:

"Hi Sue - I hope this finds you well in these trying times. How are you and your family? I've been so excited to see your latest developments in your new job - congrats to you! It's so inspiring.

I'm reaching out today to catch up and hear more about what's going on in your life and work, and also to ask a favor if I may. I'm working on fleshing out my LinkedIn profile, and I'd be ever so grateful if you'd be open to sharing a few positive words about our work together at ____, and how you found the experience of working with me. I'd be very happy to do the same for you! Thank you so much in advance for considering that, and let's catch up soon!" 

I promise you that just taking this one action will be game-changing for you. You'll be acting on the belief that you are worthy of a great endorsement, and trusting in that fact. And secondly, when you receive these beautiful testimonials (which you will), you'll finally be able to see more clearly how you've positively impacted others, and the words shared will touch your heart, and give you brand new language to describe your great talents and abilities.

It's time now to recognize more clearly what you want, and ask for it, even through your doubts and fears. The more you do this, the more you'll be able to reach your highest, most thrilling goals, and the more you'll access the positive power and impact to help others rise along with you.

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For in-depth coverage on the 7 damaging power gaps and how to overcome them, check out my book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss, and take advantage of the special pre-order offer today.

To Find Brave in your own life, career and leadership, check out my Finding Brave podcast, my Career Breakthrough Coaching Programs and join the Summer session of my online career growth course, The Amazing Career Project, open now for enrollment.