Why are So Many Leaders So Arrogant? Lesson C: Social Science ABC's of Influence

“I know who said that!” the hotshot cybersecurity (A&P) Sr. Mgr. shot in his 360° performance review. His feedback was patterned with bristles against what was seen as his NY brashness in this Big 4 practice hyper-grown by a long-tenured, relocated Midwesterner partner, and it was peppered with requests, or even a plea or two, for him to “tone it down”.

“Who?” I asked. He said a name and ascribed a motive as described below. He was wrong about both guesses. Obviously given confidentiality, I could not respond, other than mentioning it was a top theme across 5 or so reviews. This did not convince him.

When he was fired a few weeks / months later, he called me and said, “What was the real story?” I said, “Other than the feedback I summarized from 5 of your key stakeholders?” “Yes,” he said, “I know that was B.S.”

·???????Moral: Long-held limited personal vision tends to hurt ourselves also, finally, in the end.

Why do so many of us dismiss or override other’s points of view so? Why do we dismiss the impact of how we come across? As if we control another’s eyes – or see into their motives more clearly than they do. Even when it leads to annoyance, frustration, loss of friendship, divorce, or being fired. Curious, right?

Well, social science tells us that Denial, that river that refuses to stay in Egypt, but always shows up in our heads (!) is exacerbated by team identity, scenarios, dissonance reduction, & also na?ve realism - recognized as one of "four hard-won insights about human perception, thinking, motivation and behavior that ... represent important, indeed foundational, contributions of social psychology.” Handbook of Social Psychology (2010).

Na?ve realism has found across decades of peer-reviewed studies – that most of us tend to see our own view as Objective and Accurate (have you met those who staunchly believe the earth is flat, never mind that the Pentagon, a suspension bridge & even highway pavement account for curvature of the earth in their design). As in my example above, we all tend to ascribe others’ disagreement to, rarely Our own, but Their:

o??lack of info / being uninformed

o??poor judgment / irrationality

o??bias or malicious intent (particularly if one has a history of trauma or abuse)

Na?ve realism means we do not “get” that we are sunk into our own limited perspective, unaware of the other two points of views always watching us – and who may see or feel impacts of which we are unaware.

Also, we are unaware that - no matter how much we demand, order, assert, cajole or shout - we don’t control “their eyes”, with our own unconscious (often seen as desperate) emotional needs for control or recognition.

o??“They don’t know what they’re talking about. They’re too [woke! Or ageist! or rac*#*]."

(These *ism’s are real, but I had a 71 year old hired into e-learning, so best to test.)

o??“That’s not why you’re saying that. [Boomer! or Millennial! socialist! or colonialist!]”

o??“You shouldn’t / can’t be mad because I called you dumb in that meeting.”

o??“I could do their / your job. I could blow it out of the park, trust me.”

o??“I know what s/he thinks – but that’s not what’s really going on.”

o??“That interviewer just didn’t like me.”

Worse though, many Do know it’s only their own point of view, and don’t care (sociopaths, even sadists, as you may have realized, are real). (It is important to discern the motive in whosever’s na?ve realism you are trying to address, like a detective, lest you act in futility or expose yourself to danger.)

But most of us simply don’t fully realize that there is a larger Narrative perspective to every story we are in – often hidden to us because we have not been trained to attend to it – nor have others in the scenario. Have you ever noticed that the key drivers of a conflict are often buried? Everyone has a different opinion.

And yet, when “our eyes” / point of view just speaks our opinions, lessons, conclusions, hurts, injustices – it’s probably not analyzing or considering the entire context of the story. At least not to Their eyes. Thus, we can be the very definition of arrogance (non-collaborative or non-partnering) without realizing it. And depending upon the firm/org), we may even be successful.

But what if you could escape that whole ugly, immature trap - by simply learning about the 3 world views we live in (Lesson A: my eyes, their eyes & the KPI’s), recognizing the difference between your experience & the entire narrative - and learn to meet others’ needs for Their competencies to be recognized (e.g. explore their explanations of their own responses, take their feelings & thoughts as their true experience, share the details and context of your own thoughts) & thus meet their top needs for security, freedom, respect and worth.

Then we turn from an exhausting, trust-crushing, stalemate interaction pattern to a healthy and creative and regenerative one.

Perhaps all of us, seasoned & emerging business leaders, are best positioned to model regenerative, empathetic relationships at work, online, at home, and in public life & build new healthier connections – because in business many of us are used to following the data to break out of boxes and building consensus to drive global visions, necessity being the mother of all invention! (Aka, why & how I assembled all of these findings.) ??

As you may have learned on your own career & life journey, you cannot always change another to “get what you want”, but “if you try sometimes, you just might find, you can get what you need”!

Now, how-to, right? Good time to review Lesson B!

Note: Thanks to those of you who took this ABC journey with me – from the 3 points of view, through the top 4 human needs – to the biggest blockers. I hope you find tips that you can apply from these ABC’s of social science.

Next is coming ways to use these three baselines and other social science gems. Check out my other articles for more. Forward together to a healthier future!

#managementconsulting #career #leadership #behavioralscience #ethicalleadership