Why Is It So Hard for Men to Be Honest (with themselves)?

Why Is It So Hard for Men to Be Honest (with themselves)

"You said you were going to check on our daughter and if she had any symptoms would take her to the doctor!"? she said in that deeply unhappy with you kind of way she does (aka how I receive her words v. the truth).? ?

I stumble on my response. My auto-self protection gear kicks in and I say something like "I mis-read your text and... she didn't have any symptoms when I first checked and and.. well you can just chalk it up to my own parenting discretion if you like!".??

And that was my missed opportunity?for a solid "moment of truth".? And this was the topic of our discussion in last nights Men's Connection Circle .???

What I wish I said was "I messed up. I am sorry."? Because I did.? I did not read the text thoroughly enough. And could have called her and asked for clarity.? But instead I protected my ego and fell into old patterns of defensive communication.?

And I am not alone.?

In our Mens Circle,? we asked "How many have experienced the same challenge?"? And hands shot up around the entire room.?

So, what is it? Why is it so hard to be honest with our partners?? Here's a few of the takeaways from our Circle (keeping names and exact details out to respect our code of confidentiality) .

Ego is not Anchored: ? Many men (if not most), have much of their ego attached to performance.? We do not know who we are without such. We are trained to think we are valued as a "provider", a "winner", a successful man in the business world or whatever arena we work in.? And that is without any real lasting tether or anchor back to what matters, which is being valued and loved for who we are. So with our partners, we feel like we are always on defense for the next blow to our unanchored ego and protect it because we are not feeling good about ourselves.? and yes, the constant barrage (some call nagging) of things that are not right or requests to do more and more from small tasks to larger sacrifices wears on our stability and without a starting anchor of self-worth (read: most men, if not all of us,? have major inner-critic and self doubt issues).. we will do what it takes to not feel the pain, the extra weight of the attack.

Protecting from Shame: We are already feeling shame about our lack of performance when something goes awry. And with this shame under-lying our emotional state, we naturally hide and protect ourselves from feeling the shame directly. Because it's painful and the hardest emotion to admit to within ourselves. And because we already struggle with #2, our fragile ego, attacks from those we love, trust and respect hurt the most.? So we hide, we offer less than honest answers to avoid attack and we defend. More on attack next.

Fear of Reprisal:? Marianne Williamson said it best in her famed book "Return to Love" ... "Men don't want to lie to you, they are just so afraid of the reprisal you will give them.." that they don't feel like, in that moment, they have a better option..? So,? we need our women to help us.? To show us care.? To hold us accountable for sure. But with love.? How can our women open their hearts to allow the men the grace to make mistakes, learn and grow with our men. Versus castigate them and remind them one more time they are less than worthy. ? To be clear, there is no blame here towards our women. As it is us men who need to step up... but more a cry out from that soft place in mens souls that really need help but deeply afraid to ask for it. We have been trained to be "strong" and not show weakness.

Us men really do want to please you, our women. It's innate in us. Will you help us? Will you help that scared little boy inside?

Self Love: And the biggest learning of all from last night was how can we men be Honest with Ourselves.? To truly see ourselves, our way of being, our hang ups, and our behavioral patterns that sabotage our own self-worth and the trust of our partners. ? It's hard.? Hard for all of us, but the flavor for men has a particular smell. ? As we say in our Emotional Resilience workshop series, we need to befriend our emotions, understand what's happening and ask the hard questions. Like "Am I really ready to give her my full love?"? or am I holding back. ? "Am I the root of my challenges" ... ":How do I cause distrust and hurt?" ? v. Why is she always on my case!.? ? Honesty starts with self.? And self-honesty starts with self-love.?

May our men find those people, friends, environments that will foster healthy energy towards self love. ? Let us all start there. Self love to get honest. Honesty to gain trust.? Trust to gain loving, caring, enduring partnership.?

Curious: Do you see these patterns in yourself, your relationship(s)?