Why Will Smith's Smack was NOT his fault, but is 100% his responsibility!

What happened?

It was the smack heard around the world, the "Will Smith Smack". If you are unaware, Will Smith on live television smacked Chris Rock across the face at the 2022 Oscars.

When I say smacked, I don't mean an "instructional love tap" or a "watch yo'self tap" ... I mean an open handed, put your weight behind it, rage smack. His reason? He was "defending" his bride against a joke made by Chris Rock. At an event where everyone in the audience was fair game to be roasted by the comedic geniuses on stage. And the question on everyone's mind, was Will Smith in the "right"?

It did not take long for the opinions to pour in. Sophia Bush tweeted violence is never ok. Sunny on the view said it's another prime example of toxic masculinity. Others said Chris Rock's joke was highly offensive because of Jada's Alopecia. So I asked you, and over 300 of you replied at the time of this article ... here are the stats.

Was it wrong?

With an almost 4 to 1 margin, as of the time I published this article, you thought it was wrong. But the bigger question, was it his fault? Follow me here, I promise to bring more clarity. So, yes, I agree with the majority here that Will Smith was in fact in the wrong. But not because the punishment was excessive, and it did not fit the crime, but more importantly, that was not the best version of Will Smith.

Remember when Kayne jumped on stage and grabbed the mic from Taylor, because he thought Beyonce deserved the award more?

It's a different and yet very similar situation, no? Both men are defending someone they care about. Both men acted inappropriately, took the spotlight off the event’s purpose, the person with the mic, and made the moment about themselves.?Not about Jada … not about Beyonce … it was all about themselves.?And here's the biggest revelation, they didn't even realize what they were doing.

Jada and Beyonce are grown adults who can defend themselves.?They don’t need a man or woman, whether it’s their husband or a friend, to stand up for them. Now if either were in harm's way, threatened physically, or being verbally assaulted (not roasted), then it might be more understandable. But that’s not what happened here.?Both Will and Kanye, out of what they will rationalize are selfless inclinations, acted out in a very selfish and self-serving way, that did not accomplish their purpose.?

So I bet you are wondering, why do celebrities keep acting out in such selfish ways? Is it because they get special treatment with their fame? Is it because they think they are above the rules or law? Do they think they are better than everyone else?

There are two very pointed reasons. First, they are human. Yes, they are just like you and me, and they are prone to make mistakes, just like you and me. But more importantly, they have blind spots, programs in their subconscious, formed in their youth, that dictate their actions in the present. I call them viruses. By the way ... so do you! Watch how this plays out with the Oscar's moment.

Look at his face. In one moment he is laughing at the joke, and then in a millisecond everything changes. His demeanor, his posture, his thought process. He is triggered. Emotionally hijacked by the virus, the program from the past. And beyond the smack, watch the end, where he continues to yell obscenities at Chris Rock from his seat. He's throwing a tantrum, like children do. This will make more sense in a moment.

Remind you of anyone? Ever been emotionally hijacked by a loved one where you are just yelling to yell. Your anger is at a level 10 but your logic is at a 0. Bringing up things from years ago that have no relevance to the situation and saying or doing things to hurt them? Things you know you'll regret, but in that moment, being right is more important?

And then you compound the issue, because another program, one based on shame and fear arises. So you fight against apologizing, rationalizing your behavior, and not really apologize. Ahem, Will's acceptance speech. And why? Because to admit you are wrong means something about you as a person. You are weak? You are unlovable? You are crazy? You are flawed? We can't have people knowing we are human, what will they think?

So I ask again, was it his fault? I propose the answer is no.

Was it his fault?

Was he in the wrong, yes, but was it his fault? I argue no. We are all capable of delivering the "Will Smith Smack", well our version of it, and we do it everyday in small and big ways. Every time we are triggered and do not respond from our best version, Smack. We just have the luxury of doing it with less eyes watching.

So how does this happen and what can we do about it? First, let me give you a quick lesson on your brain. For all intents and purposes, it is a supercomputer. The good news, it has unlimited capacity to process any program and create any reality we want. Literally. But there's a catch. There's always a catch, right? Our brain only processes the programs we feed it, and 90% of those come from the past, created when we were young.

Don't believe me? Today you walked to the bathroom or had a conversation with a loved one. Was it challenging? Not the nature of the conversation, the steps or forming the sounds to create words? No. They are on autopilot. Now think back to when you were a toddler. How hard was it to learn how to walk, skip, and run? How many months and years did it take? And what about speaking with discernible sounds, forming words, and articulating sentences?

Well, the same way you learned how to walk and talk, is also how you learned to process your emotions. And the result is the Will Smith Smack and meltdown. We are triggering programs from when we were three or six, and throwing tantrums as an adult. Hear what I am saying here. A program created at a time when we did not have the awareness, education, nor skills to comprehend and process complex emotional situations, is dictating how we show up in that moment. It's why I call it a virus. And now that you know, you are responsible for doing something about it. But before I get there, let me be clear about something.

Will Smith is responsible for his actions and so are you!

Will Smith's Smack was wrong, it wasn't his fault, but it is his responsibility! It's his responsibility on two fronts. First, he must make the situation right with Chris Rock and with everyone who saw his actions ... so basically the world. What are the two things he needs to do? The same thing you and I also need to do.

First, he needs to take responsibility of his actions! How? He needs to own up to and apologize to all those he offended. So that list starts with Chris Rock, the Academy, and other participants at the event, but also, all those who were watching it live. And if charges were made and he was arrested, he needs to own that it is no one else's fault but his own. Jada's look might have triggered the program, but his actions have nothing to do with her, they are 100% his responsibility. And our actions are always our responsibility.

How many times have we tried to blame someone else for our actions when we are triggered. It's our child's fault for not taking out the trash, or the dogs for leaving the toy in the hallway or our colleague's for not sending the email when we wanted. Are they wrong? Yes. Do they need to own their part, yes. But does that give you permission to yell, scream or plot against them in that moment? No.

Instead, recognize you are being triggered, breath, and collect your thoughts before having a conversation. Because in a battle between emotion and logic, who wins every time? Emotion is the undefeated champ, and the results are never favorable to our purpose.

Second, Will Smith needs to take responsibility and actualize change. If we open our computer and the screen gets wiggly and then the system shuts down, what do we do? Ignore it and hope it will get better? No, that's ridiculous. We know that if it is indeed a virus, it will keep causing issues, ruin our productivity and potentially destroy our computer. Instead, we will run an antivirus software or take it into the Apple Store, right? We solve the problem with the experts.

Will Smith should be doing this and so should we. When we act in a way that's in conflict with who we want to be, hurt the people around us and those we love, we owe it to them and ourselves to solve the problem. Get rid of the viruses.

So what can we do?

So what do we do about these viruses? These blind spots and programs sitting in our subconscious that are dictating how we interact with the world in moments of stress? I'd recommend hiring an expert, the same as you would with home repair, taxes, or computer issues. But if we want to try something on our own, then here's what I start my clients with.

Start with a trigger journal. Every time you are triggered throughout the day, make a note. And for clarification, my definition of a trigger is simply a negative emotional response to some form of external stimulus. What's the stimulus? Someone cuts you off, you stub your toe, your boss makes an off-handed remark, your child rolls their eyes, the price of gas goes up ... You get the idea. If you have less than 10 by noon, you're being lazy.

And then leverage your journal to teach you about your subconscious. Triggers are a gift, they tell you two key pieces of information.

First, what do you care about? If you do not care, you are not triggered. If someone calls you an a-hole, and you believe that's how you make your money, you say thank you. But if you believe you are kind and compassionate then what happens? There's an emotional hijacking!

Second, what's the program behind the trigger? Pay attention to what's at the root. What do I believe about myself that is being challenged. My worth, my ethics, my intelligence, my kindness, my importance ... what is it? The pattern will start to become clear.?This is how you can start the journey on becoming a better version of you.

Summary.

So we can all agree, Will Smith was wrong, it wasn't his fault, but now it most certainly is his responsibility! It's time for him to start debugging his system ... and it's a great reminder for each of us, we need to do the same!

Remember, be patient, be curious, and be kind with yourself, and celebrate less Will Smith Smacks and more Will Smith Hugs!

You got this!