WHY THIS SIMPLE STRATEGY IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE

In our most recent newsletter, we taught you a very valuable spiritual strategy: THE H.A.L.T. method of taking thoughts captive before they have a chance to do any damage. Did you give it a try? We hope it was as effective for you as it has been for us and for couples in our marriage mentorship.

Today we will introduce the second key strategy to keep "The Real Enemy" from tearing your marriage apart. It is found in these words of Scripture: “I also forgive…lest Satan should take advantage of us” (2 Corinthians 2:10–11 NKJV). In other words, we give Satan room to delay and even prevent our breakthrough when we choose not to forgive those who have wronged us.

By the way, when we talk about forgiving others, we are not talking about the hurts caused by your spouse alone. While you will likely have plenty to deal with regarding your spouse, chances are good that you have been hurt by others--your parents, siblings, other family members, classmates, teachers, bosses, coworkers, professionals, clients, patients, former boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses...the list could be very long for some of you.

Unforgiveness towards any person that has hurt you can potentially block your breakthrough. Therefore, it is wise to do everything in our power to remove the hold that people have over us, by forgiving them all.

Unfortunately, this is easier said than done.

One of the reasons that forgiveness does not come easily, even to Christians, is because there are some serious misunderstandings about what forgiveness is and what it is not. Let us clear them up first before we get into the nitty gritty of practicing forgiveness.

• Forgiveness Is Not RECONCILIATION.

Forgiving someone does not mean that we are automatically reconciled with them or that our relationship is back to “normal.” Forgiveness takes only one to offer, but reconciliation takes two to work out over time. We can forgive someone on our own, but the one being forgiven, the one who wronged us, needs to acknowledge the hurt they caused and the effects of that hurt upon us before reconciliation is even possible.

• Forgiveness is Not FORGETTING what happened.

To forgive does not mean that we forget the hurt or behave as though it never happened. We should never minimize the wounds caused by the hurt. Paradoxically, however, as we release forgiveness and receive healing for our hurt, we can eventually get to a place where the sting of prior hurt is reduced, when we remember it. Even though we may still sport scars, the power of that hurt to control us can be diminished and even eliminated, by God’s grace.

• Forgiveness is Not ERASING RESPONSIBILITY.

When we forgive, we are not absolving the offender of their responsibility in causing the hurt. They are not off the hook for what they did. What they did was not right. However, we do not take responsibility for punishing them or exacting revenge upon them. As Paul reminds us: “Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, ‘I will take revenge; I will pay them back,’ says the Lord ” (Romans 12:10, NLT).

• Forgiveness is NOT TOLERATING ONGOING HURT.

If someone keeps on hurting us, we should remove ourselves from harm’s way even after we forgive them. Forgiveness does not replace your need for safety. We can “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15a) to the offender and ask them to stop their hurtful words or actions. We need to set boundaries as to what is acceptable and what is not. When those boundaries keep on getting violated, we should report the hurt and/or the abuse to the authorities, where appropriate, for the sake of ourselves as well as the wider community.

• Forgiveness is Not RESTORING TRUST.

We may choose to forgive a spouse who has done something to break the trust in the marriage (not honouring confidentiality, spending recklessly, committing adultery, nursing a secret addiction, etc.), but this does not automatically result in trust being restored. Forgiveness is given freely, but trust must be earned—one step at a time, over time.

Have any of these misunderstandings prevented you from forgiving someone? What more would you add to the list? We would love to hear from you.

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