Why Silence and Violence Don’t Work

“Effective communication is 20% what you know and 80% how you feel about what you know.” — Jim Rohn

The Question

What makes tough conversations difficult?

The first time I faced a tough conversation as a leader, I had no idea what I was doing. This meant I couldn’t discern where I was going wrong until I nailed down the common pattern into one of two camps: When emotions and stakes are high, opinions differ, and people typically choose one of two options: silence or violence.

They either take jabs or shut down.

But neither approach is effective. When someone chooses violence or silence, it indicates that safety in the conversation has broken down. You can't proceed with a healthy dialogue when safety is compromised.

Avoiding necessary conversations means we don’t reach solutions and keep revisiting the same problems. We need to catch each other in the moment and calm down rather than escalating. But the challenge lies in making this our default practice even when the change feels uncomfortable and unnatural.

The Research

Research by psychologists at the University of Washington, particularly the work by Dr. John Gottman, shows that during conflict, individuals often react with either "fight or flight" responses. This is because our brains are wired to protect us from perceived threats. When emotions run high, the amygdala (the brain's fear center) takes over, leading to either aggression (fight) or withdrawal (flight).

Silence or violence.

In this state, your ability for rational thought diminishes as research shows that the brain's activity in the prefrontal cortex (the brain's center for higher cognition)is reduced.

Some Advice

Fortunately, humans have a brilliant ability not to be chained to our default settings. However, going against our tendencies can create even more discomfort.

I use a simple exercise to demonstrate this with clients:

Put your hands together and notice which thumb is on top.

Now, switch the position of your thumbs. Does it feel unnatural?

If changing thumb positions feels uncomfortable, imagine how intentionally addressing conflict will feel.

To navigate tough conversations effectively, start by recognizing your emotional triggers. Practice mindfulness techniques or a quick mental check-in to calm your amygdala and keep your prefrontal cortex engaged. When repeated regularly, the unsexy, most simple practices can get us the furthest ahead. This self-awareness is crucial for maintaining a composed and constructive approach during high-stakes discussions.

Your Hack

The other piece to resisting your tendencies to fall back into silence or violence is reintroducing a group norm of handling conflict. Actively engaging the team in facing conflict productively makes it an intentional team effort.

The easiest way to start is if you notice your team resorting to violence or silence during the conflict, start by labelling the behaviours.

Once we have the language for what we expect, we can say, "Hey, I don’t feel we’re fully listening to each other. Can we reset this conversation?"

The only key here I’d like to point out is that you need to operate from a place of trust, too. Otherwise, labelling can sound condescending. Trust allows for honest conversations without judgment.

In addition to labelling behaviours, set ground rules for discussions, such as "One person speaks at a time" and "No interrupting." Encourage active listening by having team members repeat what they heard before responding. These small yet effective techniques create a respectful environment where everyone feels heard and valued.

Parting Thoughts

Building trust and using these techniques can transform how your team handles conflict and promote healthier communication.

Nailing this foundation enables you to venture into difficult (yet often productive on the other side) conversations and improve many more facets of your team. Think empowerment, team efficacy and leadership, sense of purpose, etc. (I cover it all in my free ebook to help you build on all these components!)

The goal is not to avoid difficult conversations but to approach them with a mindset of understanding and collaboration. Only then can you turn challenging discussions into opportunities for growth and improved team dynamics.

Unicorn Leaders — The Podcast

Have you heard our podcast episodes!?

Jeanette Dorazio (CEO at Leadpages) In episode 17, Jeanette lays out how to reach the next level of your leadership career. She shares three lessons gained through her journey: knowing what is happening in the market, which she calls "outside in" because "nothing important happens in the office; listening first and understanding all sides before communicating; and finally, understanding how to interpret data.

Jonah Midanik (COO and Co-Founder of Forum Ventures) shares his journey and experience, recognizing that ‘what got you here won’t get you there. He has been lucky enough to have seen the startup journey from a variety of perspectives.

Take a listen & subscribe.

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THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

Sincerely,

The Unicorn Labs Team