Why Shame and Doubt Could be The Biggest Threat To Leaders, and The #1 Antidote

What if the biggest threat to your leadership isn't burnout, but shame? In this edition of the Expat Leader's Newsletter, I discuss how shame shows up for leaders, its impact on our wellbeing and the unexpected antidote that's hiding in plain sight.

Where Shame Shows up For Leaders

Leaders are quietly suffering from shame and it impacts us all.

They feel embarrassed for feeling isolated. In boardrooms and corner offices, they are surrounded by people but feel alone.

They feel ashamed for having doubts. Each decision, each strategy, clouded by an internal voice whispering, "Are you sure?"

They worry about being judged and not measuring up so that imposter syndrome is a constant companion to success.

They feel guilty for giving all to their jobs, and having little energy left for the things that matter; their health and their loved ones.

As expats, they feel guilty about being away from family and question the decisions they have made.

They feel they never get the balance right and they feel ashamed if they can't keep up the facade of confidence and control.

The Impact of Shame

Shame can cast a long shadow, unwittingly infiltrating every aspect of a leader's role.

In decision-making, it can lead to paralysis or hasty choices driven by a fear of appearing incompetent. Leaders grappling with shame often avoid taking necessary risks, fearing outcomes they can't predict and stifling innovation and growth.

It can also cause them to withhold crucial feedback, uncomfortable with addressing others' development areas when feeling a fraud themselves. Shame drives fear, and in team dynamics, it can show up as micromanagement or an inability to delegate.

Perhaps most insidiously, shame erodes a leader's ability to build authentic relationships. It creates barriers, preventing vulnerable connections that are the foundation of trust and effective, emotionally intelligent leadership. The impact ripples outward, affecting not just the leader's performance, but their team, family and ecosystem.

Emotional Intelligence Offers A Light

In recent coaching conversations, I've noticed how guilt and shame often lie under the surface of leader's questions and decisions, and how compassion is missing.

Good leaders are brilliant at turning emotional intelligence outwards- reading the room and helping others skillfully manage their emotions. But inward? Not so much.

They know about Emotional intelligence – that crucial skill we talk about in leadership books and seminars – yet it's often missing when they need it most in the real world. They continue to blame and judge themselves silently which only keeps them stuck.

However, it's an uncomfortable truth, but shame and guilt aren’t productive. They don’t help. They keep us stuck and if we're not aware, spiraling into negativity.

Compassion Is The Antidote To Shame

When leaders recognize the shame spiral, they can choose to interrupt it with kindness.

They can start to invert the Golden Rule and do for themselves what you would happily do for others; be kind, curious, forgiving, see the bigger picture and offer compassion.

They unhook from the idea that their worth is tied to the latest quarterly report, or how confident they feel, or their ability to grind through 80-hour weeks.

It may be a cliché, but compassionate leadership really does start with self-compassion and leading yourself. When you see that what you experience is understandable, in fact perfectly normal, and you embrace compassion, something magical happens.

Shame loses its grip.

Isolation fades.

Guilt transforms into motivation.

You feel stronger – not the brittle strength of performative perfectionism, but with flexible leadership that is kind, self-aware and growth focused.

A Compassionate Suggestion

So, to the leader reading this, feeling the weight of shame on your shoulders: Take a deep breath. Know that you're doing better than you think. Doubts don't disqualify you; they make you human, and that’s your greatest strength as a leader.

And then, with all the courage you can muster, have some compassion for yourself, because the path to truly effective leadership isn't paved with perfectionism or shame, but with compassion and emotional intelligence.

I think it's time to let compassion, not shame, lead the way.

Don't you agree?

Hi, I'm Deema Ghata-Aura, MEd, PCC

As CEO of Criterion Coaching and an experienced executive coach, I’m passionate about helping expat leaders thrive in multinational, fast changing environments.

That’s why I offer a comprehensive range of coaching services including:

? Energy Leadership?? and EI Assessments

? Tailored Training Programs in areas such as Emotional Intelligence, Burnout, Flexible Leadership, Creating Sustainable Success and Executive Confidence.

? Personalized and confidential 1-1 coaching services.

Contact me to start a conversation and learn more about working together.

or read more about my services at www.deemaghata-aura.com