Why is Setting and Maintaining Work-Life Boundaries so Hard?

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Last month, I started a new newsletter series with “How Do I Find Joy in My Career?”.?While we have individual preferences, five common factors can contribute to joy and fulfillment in our careers.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve drilled down on each of the first four factors:

• Doing work that aligns with our values and passions (see “Should You Follow Your Passion in Your Career?”)
• Feeling a sense of autonomy and control (see “How Do I Manage My Micromanager??Restoring Your Sense of Autonomy and Control”)
• Developing positive relationships with colleagues and clients (see “What can we do to make the workplace more friendship-friendly?”)
• Achieving a sense of growth and progress (see “How do you measure growth in your career?”)

This week, I’d like to expand on the fifth and final factor: Experiencing effective work-life boundaries.?

A few months ago, I wrote “Drawing the Line: How to Set and Maintain Boundaries Between Work and Home.”?People tend to be happier and more fulfilled when they can maintain healthy boundaries between work and personal life and have time for hobbies, interests, and relationships outside work.?In the same way that we all know we’d feel better if we ate, exercised, and slept better, this doesn’t surprise most people.

So why is setting and maintaining boundaries so hard??What I have heard from my clients (and have admittedly experienced myself) are three common themes:

1.????“I Should...”?Monitor your use of the word “should,” and chances are you will likely uncover some limiting assumptions and beliefs. For example:

• I should say yes to this request
• I should have accomplished more today
• I should be able to handle this

What lies behind these should statements is "because ______." Fear is often at play when we examine what comes after the "because."?Fear that if I don’t say yes, or work late, or take on the additional workload, I will:

• Look lazy
• Miss out on the best projects
• Get passed over for the promotion
• End up on the list for the next round of layoffs
• Find myself unemployed and homeless

EXPERT HACK: Spend time exploring your fears, name them, and say them out loud to someone.?Naming your fears reduces their hold over you, and saying them out loud has a magical way of stripping them of their... fearfulness.?Once you have named and tamed your fears, then you can reframe them.

2.????I can’t say no.?I am a people pleaser. I think (and hope) most people consider me helpful and kind.?I regularly got feedback at work that I was dependable and a great team player, always willing to go the extra mile.?None of these are bad traits – in fact, being a people pleaser benefitted my career.?However, look up people pleaser in Merriam-Webster, and you’ll find “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.”?Ouch.?My own needs or desires??Those are the boundaries I wanted.

Saying yes, in isolation, is helpful, kind, etc.?But it’s important to remember that the finite resource of time we’re all given means that saying yes means saying no to someone or something else.?And when we only say yes, something I call Automatic Yes Syndrome (AYS), we lack the intentionality to stay true to our values and priorities and balance the urgent with the important.

EXPERT HACK 1: Resist the urge to give an automatic, immediate yes, and permit yourself to say no.?Take time to consider your next request.??Some questions to consider:

• How much buffer do I have in my schedule/life??
• Does this align with my values and goals??
• What is the real benefit (and risk) of saying yes??
• What need or desire will this cost me? Who or what will I have to say no to by accepting this request??(NOTE: When you sacrifice self-care, me-time, or sleep, you say no to yourself!)

EXPERT HACK 2: Practice saying no.?I often hear, “I want to say no, but I don’t know how.”?Dr. BJ Fogg of Stanford emphasizes the value of mental rehearsal on our capacity to change behavior.?For example: “I'd love to, but I’m overcommitted right now, so I know I won’t be able to give this the time and effort it deserves.” Or “It’s hard for me to say no, but I’m going to have to this time.”

3.????What gets measured gets done.?This was engrained in me in business school (although the actual Peter Drucker quote is “What gets measured gets managed.”)?In some cases, work-life boundaries get cratered simply because there is structure (meetings, goals, KPIs) around work that doesn’t exist in the rest of our lives.?In other words, we manage our work better than we manage the rest of our lives.?

This was true for me when my kids were young.?I had a career development plan with short-term goals (this quarter, this year) and long-term goals (next 3-5 years).?There was no equivalent parenting development plan, marriage development plan, or faith development plan.?There were no quarterly or annual performance reviews – and no accountability.?It doesn’t require deep investigative work to discover why I struggled with work-life boundaries.?My systems were biased toward work.?

EXPERT HACK 1: If you don’t already have short-term and long-term non-work goals, this is the place to start!?First, write them down.?You’re 42% more likely to achieve your goals if you write them down.?Why??It will force you to clarify what you want, motivate you to take action, and – speaking of saying no – will help you filter out other opportunities.?

EXPERT HACK 2: Tell someone that will hold you accountable. ?It’s essential that you tell someone – but not everyone.?This is because some very compelling research concluded that telling people what you want to achieve creates a premature sense of completeness. While you feel a sense of pride in letting people know what you intend to do, it turns out that pride doesn't motivate you. So, tell the one person you trust to hold you accountable to your goals.

EXPERT HACK 3: Block off time on your calendar for weekly check-ins, quarterly grading, reviews with your accountability structure, and formulating new goals for the next quarter.?Preserve this time and guard it as you would meetings with your manager.

I sincerely hope that this series on “How Do I Find Joy In My Career” has given you some tools to move the needle in your career toward joy and fulfillment. ?I would love to hear your feedback on what you have tried and how it’s gone.?And I’d love to partner with you on your journey of creating a career plan that aligns with your goals and values.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this week’s edition of "Tips for Career Satisfaction."

My passion is to help you find joy in your work.?If you want to explore this further, I’d love to talk with you!?Schedule time with me here.?