Why is Self-Awareness So Difficult?

I have a client I’m working with who leads a small team dedicated to ferreting out financial opportunities for her company to investigate as potential “add-ons” to their core business.? She has a gift for finding interesting opportunities to have her team investigate. ?She’s good at it.? She’s so good that the company is relying on her to reach their growth targets.

But there’s a problem. ?She talks over people.? I’m not talking about an occasional intrusion of her ideas into a conversation.? I’m talking about an incessant need to dominate the conversation to the point that she interrupts people, multiple times, in virtually every conversation she has.? This has led good team members to quit out of frustration and others in the organization to avoid her and communicate with her as little as possible.? They describe her as “exhausting”, which I found out for myself firsthand.?

I sat down with her to discuss the issue after her boss asked me what I might be able to do to help. ?Even in a brief conversation she interrupted me several times.? At one point I decided to do a little experiment.? When she interrupted, I kept talking to see how long she would go before realizing we were both talking at the same time.? The first time I tried it, I ran out of things to say – she just kept on talking over me, giving her opinion, and sharing her thoughts – as if I wasn’t even there!?

I used that experience as a teaching moment and asked her if she was aware that she interrupted me and that we were both talking at the same time.? Her exact response was, “Really? Was I?”? Then on further reflection she said, “Well, yes, I guess I did keep talking.”

Talking over people had become so habitual she was not even aware she was doing it. We spent some time talking about the benefits of developing greater awareness of her habit.? We also delved into the beliefs she had that created that habit, and what emotions she might be avoiding by engaging in the habit.? We even practiced having her change the habit by patiently waiting for the right time to give her thoughts in a role play conversation.? She struggled with the exercise but made some good progress in that brief practice session.? Next, we’ll be taking her new awareness “on the road” to practice it in her work world.?

But before we finished our session, she asked me a question that made me pause and think.? I love it when clients do that!? It means they’re thinking about the topic at a deep level and forcing me to do the same.

Her question was, “Why is self-awareness and changing a habit so difficult?”

The answer to that question is a bit of a paradox created by these two facts:

1.????? The human brain and mind are the most complex system known in the universe.

2.????? The brain and mind are a human system we all have in common, and we all use every day.

The complexity of the brain and mind means we don’t really understand that system.? Not even neuropsychologists have a good grasp on how the brain and mind function.? We have theories and we’re making slow and steady progress, but the reality is we don’t really understand that remarkably complex system.

Now, juxtapose the complexity of the brain/mind system against the simple fact that we all have and use that system.? It’s super familiar to us at an intimate and personal level.? That makes us believe we understand our brain/mind system, and the personality it creates in ourselves. ?Yet nothing can be further from the truth.? Here are some facts neuropsychologists do know about the brain/mind system:

·?????? We all have beliefs that we operate under which don’t stand up to the scrutiny of reality.? Frequently those beliefs operate outside of our awareness.

·?????? We all experience emotions that sabotage our efforts to be happy and successful. Frequently we fool ourselves by converting those emotions from ones that we find unacceptable to show (fear) into ones we find more acceptable to show (anger).? And we’re not even aware we’re making that transformation!?

·?????? We all do things, sometimes repeatedly, that in hindsight we wish we could change or retract.? In the moment, they seemed like the best thing to do, but we later feel regret or guilt.?

·?????? We all engage in habits that impede rather than advance our desired results.? I bet you can name several of your own.? I know I can.? And the reality is we all also have habits that we’re unaware of that negatively impact our results!

These facts create blind spots in how we perceive ourselves, as well as how we believe we’re perceived by others.? But because our brain and mind are ours, and we’re so familiar with our own brain and mind, we miss those blind spots.? In effect, we’re unaware that we’re unaware!? This paradox makes developing the self-awareness needed to change a habit difficult to attain.?

However, by reflecting on the conscious as well as unconscious beliefs and emotions driving the actions creating the habit we can begin to understand ourselves better and adjust our habits.? It’s actually a very simple formula which once understood paves the way to greater self-awareness:? Our beliefs, generate emotions, that drive behavior, which build habits, which produce the results we get.?

Changing an undesirable habit to get a better result encompasses three steps:

1.????? Identify- Begin by becoming aware of it as a habit you want to change.? Sometimes you become aware of it by yourself, perhaps by accident, or maybe through reflection on why something isn’t working out for you the way you hoped.? For leaders, the use of a 360-assessment tool can be very helpful here and I frequently use them with my clients.

2.????? Analyze - Once you have a targeted habit to change, the next step is to reflect on the beliefs and emotions behind the habit.? There are also tools you can use such as personality and behavioral assessments that can help shed light in this area.?

3.????? Change - Finally, use what you learn from the first two steps to begin to shift away from the old undesirable habit and replace it with a new more desirable one.

So, here is a challenge to help you build your leadership.? Use the three steps above to identify, analyze, and change a habit that is limiting your leadership effectiveness.?

If this topic intrigues you and you want to learn more, get my book, “Ignite Your Leadership: The Power Of Neuropsychology To Optimize Team Performance”.? Get it here on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Ignite-Your-Leadership-Neuropsychology-Performance/dp/1957651393