Why Seeking External Approval Holds You Back

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Why Seeking External Approval Holds You Back

Find Your Internal Validation

In my early twenties, working as an actor, I often found myself caught in the relentless cycle of waiting for auditions. Days would pass, and as each day went by without a call, my anxiety grew. The moment my agent rang, I’d feel a rush of excitement. Finally, I’d been deemed worthy of an opportunity. But this joy was always fleeting, soon replaced by nerves and the weight of expectation as the audition approached.

I remember sitting in countless waiting rooms, surrounded by people who looked just like me—similar faces, similar outfits, and all hoping for the same outcome. The auditions themselves were often brief, sometimes less than ten minutes. If the casting director seemed to like me, I’d leave with a sense of satisfaction. But if they appeared indifferent or uninterested, I would leave feeling rejected. It was an emotional rollercoaster, one that seemed completely out of my control.

This constant search for approval isn’t limited to the acting world. Many of us, in our personal and professional lives, fall into the same trap of seeking external validation. Whether it’s looking for approval of our work, appearance, or social media posts, the stress that comes from this pursuit can be overwhelming. Chasing external validation can feel like trying to control the wind—impossible, exhausting, and ultimately unsatisfying.

When you rely on others for your sense of worth, two key hormones come into play: cortisol and adrenaline. Cortisol, the body’s main stress hormone, can be helpful in keeping you awake and alert, but when levels spike, it creates stress. Adrenaline, while useful in helping you feel ready for action, can make you jittery and nervous when it’s too high. In important moments, it’s crucial to find a way to restore calm and confidence before these hormones take control and throw you off balance.

The Power of Values

Psychologists David Cresswell and David Sherman explored how people can better manage these stress hormones. In their study, they used a technique known as the Trier Social Stress Test. Participants were split into two groups and asked to give a speech in front of a panel of judges, who had been secretly instructed to provide no positive feedback.?

But here’s where it gets interesting. Before the speech, one group was asked to write about a deep personal value, such as honesty or integrity—something that truly mattered to them. The other group was asked to write about something they didn’t care much about. When it came time to face the panel, the results were very different.

Those who had written about something unimportant went into the meeting seeking external validation from the judges. They wanted praise, approval, or some signal that they were doing well, and the lack of feedback caused them to feel stressed. Their cortisol levels spiked. On the other hand, the group who had written about their personal values remained calm. They didn’t need the judges’ approval because they already had internal validation. Their focus on their core values allowed them to stay composed under pressure, free from the need to impress others. More importantly, their stress levels stayed low, before and after the test.

This study shows the immense power of internal validation. By grounding yourself in your values, you can keep calm in stressful situations, remain confident, and perform at your best. When you draw your sense of worth from within, you free yourself from the ups and downs of external approval.

Shifting the Focus to Yourself

Let’s take a moment to reflect on your relationship with external validation. How much time do you spend each day seeking others’ approval? Do you check social media for likes and comments? Do you crave compliments about your work from colleagues or your boss? Or feel disappointed if your partner doesn’t notice your outfit or if your child forgets to hug you before leaving for school?

It’s easy to get caught in the endless chase for external validation. But this is not a true reflection of your worth. Relying on others for validation can be draining and, over time, can even erode your sense of self-worth.

We all experience moments when the things we do may seem small or insignificant. Maybe no one is cheering you on for completing that tedious spreadsheet or handling the everyday tasks of family life. But just because others aren’t noticing, doesn’t mean these actions aren’t important. Instead of seeking validation from others, find it within.

Research shows that internal validation leads to greater success, happiness, and even motivation. It’s about being rooted in who you are and what you believe, and knowing that your worth doesn’t depend on the approval of others. When you embrace this mindset, you unlock your potential, stay centred under pressure, and show up as the best version of yourself—no matter the external circumstances.

So the next time you feel the urge to seek validation from others, pause and remind yourself: your worth comes from within, not from the opinions of others.

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This, and many other tools, exercises, and stories can be found in my new book Lift Your Impact, which is available here in the UK and here in the US! Bulk purchases can be made here.