Why to say 'WHY' when you can't say 'I'
Communication is a crucial aspect of our daily life. It helps us connect with others, share our thoughts and feelings, and build meaningful relationships. However, effective communication is not always easy, and there are times when we struggle to express ourselves clearly. One common example is when we need to decline an invitation or offer, or when we need to express disagreement or dissatisfaction. In these situations, it can be tempting to avoid saying "I" and instead resort to saying "why." But why do we do this, and is it really the best approach?
Saying "why" instead of "I" is a common communication tactic that many people use to soften the impact of their words. For example, instead of saying "I don't want to go to the party," someone might say, "Why don't we just stay in tonight?" By phrasing the statement as a question or a suggestion, the speaker can avoid explicitly stating their own feelings or opinions, which can sometimes be uncomfortable or confrontational.
Even in hiring the right candidate for a role is a critical task for any organization. To find the best fit, consultants often review resumes, conduct interviews, and evaluate qualifications and experience. However, there are times when finding the ideal candidate is not easy, and consultants may struggle to articulate why a particular candidate is not a good fit. In these situations, it can be tempting to avoid saying "I" and instead resort to saying "why." But why do we do this, and is it really the best approach?
While there are certainly times when this approach can be useful, it can also have some drawbacks. One of the main issues is that it can create confusion or miscommunication. When we don't clearly state our own perspective, we leave it up to the listener to interpret our words and intentions. This can lead to misunderstandings, assumptions, or even conflict if the listener perceives the message differently than we intended. By being direct and using "I" statements, we can ensure that our message is clear and that our intentions are not misinterpreted.
For example, instead of saying "I don't think this candidate is a good fit for the job," a consultant sometime says, "Why don't we consider other candidates?" By phrasing the statement as a question or a suggestion, the consultants can avoid explicitly stating their own opinions, which can sometimes be uncomfortable or confrontational.
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Another issue with using "why" instead of "I" is that it can erode our sense of agency and responsibility. By framing our statements as questions or suggestions, we imply that we don't have the power or authority to make decisions or express our own opinions. This can undermine our sense of confidence and autonomy, and can also make it harder for others to take us seriously or respect our boundaries. By using "I" statements, we assert our own agency and communicate that our opinions and feelings are valid and important.
Of course, there are also times when it can be appropriate to use "why" instead of "I." For example, if we're genuinely curious about someone else's perspective, we might ask "why" questions to gather more information and gain a deeper understanding of their thoughts and feelings. In this context, "why" can be a useful tool for building empathy and connection.
Overall, saying "why" instead of "I" can be a helpful communication tactic in some situations, but it's important to use it thoughtfully and intentionally. By being direct and using "I" statements, we can communicate our own perspective clearly and assert our own agency and responsibility. Ultimately, effective communication requires us to be honest, clear, and respectful, and using "I" statements is one way to achieve that goal.