Why No Why?

Remember when you were a child and you used to get told off for certain things like not doing your homework, or getting bad grades, or coming home late and so on? Our parents or guardians normally tackled the situation with something like, "Why didn't you do your homework?" or "Why are you late?"

Parents love you unconditionally and they know the reason they are telling you off, but the child will only react to the words in that given moment. And let's be honest, not everyone has a way with words especially when you add emotions to the mix. So by constantly being asked "Why" in a negative context, not only do children become defensive but they can also begin to question themselves.

Asking someone "Why" brings back those negative emotions associated with being told off as a child and instantly puts us on a negative platform for the rest of the interaction or conversation. Don't believe me? Try it next time you're with a colleague or your children and drop the "Why? Watch for the tone of response, what they say and more importantly their mood.

In evaluating my performance when I've competed in Boxing and Tennis, any contest that I lost I always asked myself "Why?" so I could go back into the gym and fix it immediately. For a while it seemed like a uniquely positive response to what most people would class as a negative outcome, so I had consolation in the fact that I'm evaluating and moving forward where most people would let the failure stop them. But after a while I realised by always asking myself "Why did I lose?" I began questioning my performance and actions constantly. So it was only inevitable that a negative response was going to lead to actions that were self punishing. Getting back in the gym the next day and pushing harder has it's benefits, but what if you're pushing harder on the wrong thing? What if sitting back and opening a dialogue with my coaches would have been a better response?

As a leader, business owner, coach or whatever you may be,what you do during moments of failures and catastrophes can have a lasting effect...be it positive or negative. If your responses are oriented around "Why did it happen?" or "Why did we fail?" then all you're doing is making other people question themselves. Your intentions may be good like the parent who's asking their child "Why didn't you do your homework?" but remember people react to your words and interactions, not your intentions. Instead, you'll be amazed at the reaction if instead of starting off with "Why did that happen?" you bring to life what the ideal outcome would mean to you and the person you're talking to.

I'll give you an example. Yesterday one of my jobseekers had an interview and the feedback was one of the most negative I have heard for a long time, he didn't research the company and came across as lacking basic initiative. If you're wondering "Why would a recruiter share this openly, it makes him look incompetent," then change your trail of thought to, "Clearly he has a high sense of pride in helping candidates get jobs, he can't be feeling too good about it and it's brave and bold to share this."

1. Don't ask why, instead underline what the ideal outcome would mean to you and the person you are talking to
2. Acknowledge the negativity behind it
3. Commend the performance
4. Let them respond to what the next action should be, what they would do next time

So in the above example of my candidate receiving bad feedback and not getting the job, instead of asking myself why this happened, and even worse going to the candidate and asking why they didn't research the company (which I've done in the past!), here's what we could do:

1. I know getting this job would have meant alot to both of us, allowing you to overcome the problems you've been having at work and helping us build a strong team.
2. It can't be good to hear you failed on basic preparation when we both know your potential in the role was exciting.
3. What you really did well was xxxx and I really hope to help you build on it for the future.
4. Given how we prepared for the interview and your dedication in the process, I'd be interested to hear what your experience was like?

Try this way of responding to a negative situation and you'll be amazed at what you unearth - an accountable response often with them sharing something personal or something you didn't know about. It may feel unnatural at first, but it will build your ability to face negative situations with confidence that there could be a positive outcome at the end of it!

"When you can find out "Why" without asking it, you build people instead of breaking them...and the world can do with more of that!"