Why relationships at home or work turn toxic, and how to fix them

What is the foundation of a good relationship? You may say love. After all isn't that what the song says: all you need is love? But love can be distorted, people have been known to lie for love, to leave for love, some have killed for love. Love can be obsessive and misplaced. So what is the foundation of a good relationship? It starts with trust.

Without trust, communication and honesty in any relationship - There is nothing to build upon.

Here are some words to help us understand what trust is. Belief in someone, assurance, certainty, confidence, faith, honesty, hope, protection, respect, safekeeping. When trust is broken, you get the opposite. Doubt, dishonesty, disrespect, fear, suspicion, wariness and skepticism. And, if we see these behaviors at home, what about work? In The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable, Patrick Lenocini comments:

“When trust breaks down we get dysfunctional behaviors that will probably be familiar to most professionals. The company has great people with talent but just can't compete because morale is low and the team members just can't agree on common goals.”

So what can you do? If you want to harness the power of trust and collaboration in relationships at work or home let me introduce you to “recovering lawyer,” conflict management specialist and author of The Collaborative Path, Patrick Aylward.

When you reach rock bottom, make a good choice

Patrick was running a successful law practice in Summerside, Prince Edward Island, then he learned an expensive lesson in what happens when relationships break down. His business partner ran off with half a million dollars of clients’ trust funds. With partnership liability, Patrick went through bankruptcy and sanctions from the governing body. But, as with the best stories that leave our faithful hero at rock bottom, Patrick made two powerful choices; he stopped being a litigation lawyer and began working as a mediator, and conflict management consultant across private, public and not-for-profit sectors in Canada. Among other roles, he served as the Senior Mediator for Veteran Affairs in Canada and provided conflict management services to Fisheries and Oceans employees in the Atlantic Region. 

People don’t always do what they say they are doing

Patrick’s experience of litigation and mediation led him to make two observations:

1. A powerful stigma exists around conflict.

2. People don’t collaborate, even when they say they do.

This, if we think about it, can all lead to immense losses of time, money, health - you know - important things. And as we also know, in relationships, things can go from bad to worse pretty fast. So can we find new and better ways of relating to each other? Turns out, we can. Patrick’s practical book, The Collaborative Path, walks us through the reasons why relationships can become toxic, and surprisingly uncomplicated ways to turn things around.

The simple communication test

Patrick says that if you want to do a quick check on the model that is being used for communication at work, listen for two things:

1.     How often is the word “but” being used?

2.     How many of the questions being posed are closed versus open?

This sets the tone for how things get done, because how we talk to each other at work has a massive effect on people’s motivation, feelings of being included vs. excluded, and ultimately output. Patrick explains:

“If you are hearing argumentative statements, no matter how softly they are being asserted, and if you are hearing the words “but” or “however” within the first five words of a response, then you are almost certainly observing debate and persuasion at work. If you are hearing mostly closed questions, then you are listening to people who have made their mind up about the “right” outcome.”

What can I do?

If you want to understand why relationships at home or work turn toxic and how to fix them, Patrick’s book is for you. Here’s a personal anecdote, I know high-functioning families who are experts at not resolving conflict. I have worked in a well known management consultancy, a premier coaching company and a multi-million dollar NPO that failed to manage internal conflict. In contrast, I have relationships with friends and companies big and small, that are great at managing conflict. The point? In our working lives it’s this:

“When a team outgrows individual performance and learns team confidence, excellence becomes a reality”. —Joe Paterno

And at home? I’m sure you’ll understand why it would be priceless to be able to navigate destructive situations in an effective, healthy manner. Doug Hall, is a best-selling author, and the Chairman of the very cool innovation think tank, The Eureka! Ranch, he explains:

“In a world where polarization of people and politics is at epidemic levels, The Collaborative Path is a master work. Patrick provides a path for realizing the exponential benefits of diversity through collaboration. His math makes sense: where ‘Conflict = Problem + Tension’ and ‘Collaboration = Better Solutions + Stronger Relationships’, a flip of mindset to collaboration necessarily pre-empts conflict. Most importantly - Patrick provides a simple model and tangible tools for making the flip.”

Response to the practical, intelligent approach offered in The Collaboration Path has been overwhelmingly positive, and Patrick is now working on The Collaborator’s Toolbox as a companion to this book. He is available as a Speaker, Workshop Leader, a Facilitator-Consultant, and amidst COVID 19 to protect our society and maintain safe health precautions, he offers many services online.

The foundation of great relationships

Having explored what makes relationships toxic and how to fix them, we come full circle, back to trust. A parent has the power to establish it with a child. It is the basis for peaceful, happy working relationships. It gives friendship wings. Our final words of advice come from another great leader, Lao Tzu:

“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.”

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I’m a professional writer, currently helping many adults, teachers and students to learn the craft of successful writing. I’ve made 100s of thousands of dollars over a career spanning 20 years, writing for publishers, businesses, magazines, and online markets in SE Asia, the US and Europe. I’m a member of the Oxford University Press Research Forum, but most importantly I am a student-centered teacher who loves to help people to develop dynamic, sellable stories. I look forward to helping you to find your success story.