Why Relate Social Approval to Mindfulness? (Part 1)

As a society that is advancing at a rapid state of technological advancement, one of the leading causes of concern is the mass anxiety of popularity tracking and approval-seeking behaviour amongst its members. The need for validation and acceptance has never been more influential today. Yet, interestingly, this need, like many other needs we develop, stems from our childhood years. Self-acceptance, unconditional love, encouragement, nurturing, and guidance are critical areas we need to receive in abundance during our growing years. I have often been conveyed this concern by parents about this challenge in bringing up children today.

?Understanding this problem's importance begins with understanding the challenges that parents may have experienced as children. Before helping children to overcome this challenge, the first question, as teachers, parents or caretakers, we need to ask (if we experience this acute desire to be accepted in public today) is, were these mentioned needs met during our developmental years? As parents, if many of these needs were not met during childhood, how is their absence affecting life during adulthood today from their perspective? To what extent are parents seeking to satisfy those long-deprived needs today? How has this desire to achieve self-esteem and worth affected their parenthood and child-rearing?

These questions are intensely reflective and stark in their impact on how their answers can help resolve the need for social approval faced by their children.

So what is mindful parenting?

The first step to becoming a mindful parent would be to be a good listener. By listening to a child and a child's observations (or concerns), a parent communicates acceptance of the child, self-awareness and unconditional love for the child.

Years ago, as a pre-schooler, when my parents lived in the Navy staff quarters in Navel Base in Cochin (Kerala, India), I used to enjoy our long bus trips to see my Mom's parents who resided in a small village, an hour and a half away. The prime reason for my enjoyment was my continuous chats with my Dad while gazing out at the lush countryside from the bus window. These conversations dealt with life, people, the scenery we passed by, and memories of my Dad's childhood. My memories of those bus journeys remain fresh only because it was fun to sit with my parents as they sat in companionable silence and occasionally chatted with a smile. Perhaps more importantly, my Dad took immense pains to patiently and enjoyably communicate with his child, who would enjoy speaking to him in rapt attention. Decades later, as a grandfather, he showed the same interest and cared to listen and talk to his grandchildren - my daughter and son.

The second step for parents is to follow a self-regulatory approach to leading one's life. Parents provide their children with a sense of security, groundedness and peace by regulating their emotions, prioritising time, and giving complete attention and respect to anything they do. Children understand mindfulness more effectively when parents are more responsive than reactive to their children, other people, their environment and the world. Like many other subjects relating to life and living, learning through observation is more effective here than if the parents resort to mere discussions on mindfulness. Parents' conscious responsiveness to a situation also promotes compassion and tolerance in children towards people and situations.

Implementing mindfulness becomes challenging through a parent's desire to seek validation through society (or social media). The situation furthermore initiates three massive barriers to their child's upbringing (or children). The first one is the parents' apparent overuse or indulgence of social media, leading to possible procrastination of crucial child-related tasks for a later time. The second problem for a social-media-addicted parent arises from the needless anxiety and stress caused by the comparative nature of social media. Both of these challenges can play havoc with valuable parenting time. The third negative impact arises from the constant desire to capture personal moments with children and other family members and share them with others on social media. Mindfulness promotes the enjoyment and experience of every moment in life. Taking photos or videos hinders the moment's joy and instead fosters the continuous desire to show the world what is happening in the parent's life.

For children to develop mindfulness, their first role models are their parents. The ceaseless time spent in the pursuit of scrolling through social media not only takes away the awareness of mindfulness from children but also reduces the significant family time that parents and children enjoy. While some parents may convey the relaxation gained through social media, on the contrary, scrolling through social media affects time management and promotes tiredness and, of course, the high tendency to form unhealthy comparisons to others (including other parents and children). This chronic desire can annoy and impact parental relationships with their children and encourage children to give importance to social media – far more than it is healthy for them.

Yet, admittedly, social media can also be an undeniable tool for learning and development for parents when used in moderation. Children today are adept at expressing themselves on social media, and knowing how social media became the platform for personal and professional expression can be an insightful way for parents to connect with children. Sourcing tips on the latest research and findings on effective parenting has never become more accessible – thanks to social media. Learning to be better parents and caretakers is a conscious and conscientious decision. It is a decision that is also profoundly affected by the extent of mindfulness practised by the parents during this age of immense social media influence.?