Why promoting Loving Kindness is essential for Constructive Conflict Transformation?

An important dimension of our concept of JoyfulTalisman- the human values we need to assimilate and nurture which would lead us to the path of real joy, is loving kindness. During the course of our work on human values and our own conversations, we have realized a significant mantra- the human endeavor to become joyful and happy has to originate from within an individual. We also realized that if we don’t nurture inherent human values like deep respect for all, which includes not just other human beings but also the nature and other living beings, value the dignity of others, and nurture loving kindness, we really cannot experience the beauty of joyfulness in its real sense. We also came up with the deep realization that we have to treat the universe as a living species and constantly self-introspect and self-reflect on the essential unity of all being- this awareness we feel is essential for a holistic happiness experience.

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We have also realized and even experienced ourselves that as human beings we will always find ourselves in situation and circumstances which may not be to our liking and adverse to us. There will always be high and lows, there will always be those dark days which could propel us to think that there is no light at the end of the dark tunnel, and that we are permanently entrapped in a sinkhole. But we have realized that if we practice the different human values as described through our concept of JoyfulTalisman, we are confident that these will aid us to remain positive even in our darkest days, help develop our inner resilience and not let us wither in difficult conditions. This is the key as most of us sink further when confronted with an adverse situation; the challenge is how to handle the adversity. The challenge is also on how to remain joyful in spite of the negative environment thinking it as a temporary phase of life, this we sincerely think can happen when we develop our own mental fortitude, inner resilience and a deeper connections not only with ourselves but also with others including the nature and other beings. It is in this backdrop, we strongly feel that our concept of JoyfulTalisman can be an important lighthouse for human transformation and holistic well-being.

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An important dimension of our conversation are the conversations with young students. Our conversation with many of these students took us to the realization on how the excessive technolization of our lives and unbridled pursuit for material goals are leading to love and kindness deficit. In fact, we can say that the world is hungering for loving kindness at this moment. This trend needs to be reversed if we have to encourage real joy and happiness in the world; there has to be limits to which the unbridled ‘love’ for materialistic pleasures can dictate our lives. Also we feel that this unrestrained mad race towards narrow materialistic pleasures are the cause of conflicts and turmoil- not only within ourselves but also with others. It is in this context, we advocate the promotion and encouragement of loving kindness- the pillar of JoyfulTalisman which can help develop deeper connections and in conflict transformation. We focus on this aspect of loving kindness in this conversation.

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Vedabhyas Kundu: The Vietnamese Zen Master, Thich Nhat Hanh has beautifully described the on what exactly is loving-kindness and I think it can be the guiding principle on how we can encourage individuals around the world to practice it for a joyful world.? He says, “The first element of true love is loving kindness. The essence of loving kindness is being able to offer happiness. You can be the sunshine for another person. You can’t offer happiness until you have it for yourself. So build a home inside by accepting yourself and learning to love and heal yourself. Learn how to practice mindfulness in such a way that you can create moments of happiness and joy for your own nourishment. Then you have something to offer the other person.” (https://tnhmeditation.org/loving-kindness/)

So Munazah, loving kindness can not only help us come out of our inner prisons but actually helps us build an inner ecosystem which aids in accepting ourselves. It also helps in learning to love ourselves and in self-healing. When we are experiencing the inner happiness and inner joy, we can offer it to others. As the starting point of conflicts are consternation, differences and ill-will, I feel by nurturing loving kindness we can dispel these differences and ill-will.

Munazah ?Shah: Vedabhyas, let us try to understand some of the primary causes of conflicts. The first can be when there is lack of respect for each other and differences of perspectives and opinion. Conflicts can happen when some of our needs are not met- this can happen either way- our own unmet needs and those of others. It can happen due to conflict of values and priorities. Further, emotions play a significant role in conflicts. When we are emotionally disturbed, we may get into conflict situations. Further, strong intense feelings contribute to deepening of the conflict or crisis.

Here if we realize the essence of loving kindness, we will be more aware on how it actually starts with the cultivation of feelings of self-compassion. Vedabhyas, I sincerely believe that we should learn the art the art and science of having compassion for ourselves. If we learn to nurture self-compassion, it would be easier for us to practice compassion for others. This actually is a two-way process- the more we practice self-compassion, the more we can practice compassion for others which in turn will help us to go back and be self-compassionate. So, Vedabhyas, when we are able to practice compassion at the deepest level, I believe it can help us to transform conflicting situations. By remaining to be compassionate with the individual with whom we have differences, we can connect and understand their unmet needs, this to me is the starting point to transform the conflict.

Vedabhyas? Kundu: ?Munazah, you have beautifully encapsulated how the starting point of loving kindness, i.e., compassion – both self and for others is also the starting point to help in conflict transformation. Here, I would like to stress that when we practice loving kindness, we are actually encouraging the well-being of others. In this context, here I would like to quote from Visuddhimagga which points out, “The characteristic of loving-kindness is to promote well-being. Its function is to prefer well-being. Its manifestation is the removal of annoyance. Its proximate cause is seeing the loveliness of beings. It succeeds when it makes ill will subside, and it fails when it produces selfish affection.” This is such a profound thought which should be seen as an important dimension of conflict transformation.

Munazah, let us delineate the key points from this sayings from Visuddhimagga. When we start thinking sincerely about the well-being of others, we are actually being more aware on the essence of human interdependence and essential unity of all beings. Here I would like to share this profound thoughts of Mahatma Gandhi, “I do not believe...that an individual may gain spiritually and those who surround him suffer. I believe in advaita, I believe in the essential unity of man and, for that matter, of all that life's. Therefore, I believe that if one man gains spiritually, the whole world gains with him and, if one man falls, the whole world falls to that extent. (Young India, 4-12-1924) So when we are sensitive and aware of the essential unity of all beings and genuinely think of other’s well-being including that of nature and other beings, we are developing our own resilience to conflict situations. Also, we are not seeing our adversaries as our enemies, instead we are seeing them as a human being who is also capable of being compassionate and loved.

The other important dimension of loving kindness is removal of annoyance. In conflict situations, there is annoyance between the conflicting parties. By being able to practice loving kindness, we can remove those annoyance which are the causes of ill-will and differences. I can tell you Munazah, when we start ending the annoyances in our interactions, the process of conflict transformation starts.

Munazah Shah: Vedabhyas, when we start to see the ‘loveliness of beings’, even though we may have serious differences with them, much of our consternation will end. I can tell you for ordinary people like us it is difficult and challenging. How can we see the loveliness in our adversary? But to my mind when are attuned to practice loving kindness with utmost sincerity, we will be able to see the loveliness in our adversary and the negativities that we have nurtured towards that individual will start to melt.

The role of loving kindness to make ill-will to subside is enormous. Our act of self-love and self-kindness will kindle the same love and kindness for others which in turn would deplete the space for ill-will. When there is no space for ill-will, then there can be only one solution- constructive conflict transformation. Again, Vedabhyas let us remind ourselves that in this fast-paced and materialistic world this is very challenging- how can we nurture kindness towards an individual who is bitterly opposed to us!? This cannot happen in one day, it is a slow process of inner transformation and we have to keep practising loving kindness as a matter of habit.

Conclusion

Both of us sincerely believe that by practising genuine loving kindness teaches us to practice compassion and empathy for those who may not be part of our inner circle. Our compassion and empathy will go beyond our closed ones which is very important for conflict transformation. It will also help us to regulate our mind and emotions. Practising loving kindness helps us to soften our rigid positions which again is important for conflict transformation.

We are of the view that practising loving kindness can help us to nurture nonviolent communication at different levels- the intrapersonal level, interpersonal level and during interactions in institutions. It will help us being non-judgemental and avoid stereotyping. These are again essential for conflict transformation. As we understand from the principles of loving kindness, practising it helps us to build essential trust and respects the dignity of all. Further, from a standpoint of win-lose situation where all attempts are made to ‘defeat’ the opponent by every means, the practice of loving-kindness offers an environment of healing of wounds. When the transformation of the conflict is aimed at well-being of all the parties involved, it promotes collaborative problem-solving. It also provides the conflicting parties to grow as human beings and learn from the conflict.

Finally, to conclude, let us quote from our book, The JoyfulTalisman: Conversations on Human Values for a Joyful World:

Let’s all think of kindness as our strength, as a symbol of love, courage and wisdom. Let’s appreciate the good in ourselves as it would help us to look at the good in others. While we search for the real happiness within ourselves, let us work with others in finding their own happiness. We also believe that each one of us should aim to practice the art and science of expressing gratitude. It not only helps us remain positive and lifts our spirits but also is a step to practice loving-kindness.