Why the Problem Might Be You

I've had a few conversations recently (with men and women) who had similar "takes" on the current state of gender equity. 

In January alone, one man said to me: "Is gender inequality really still an issue? We have really great maternity leave policies." A woman offered: "I know it sounds crazy, but I've never experienced gender discrimination or sexual harassment." (She's worked in the banking industry for more than 30 years.)

It brought up for me an *unpublished* open letter I wrote two years ago, almost to the day, to all of the men (and women) who just don’t seem to get it; who don’t see their role in everything that’s happening around them. 

Maybe if they read this, they will start to see their role in what’s gone, and continues to go, wrong...and how they can take action to make it right.

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Here’s the problem.

When the conversation starts with, “This doesn’t happen in our industry / at our company / around our office / on our team…” you don’t want to say that in fact, it has.

When the conversation starts with, “No one has ever told me that it happened to them…” you don’t want to admit to the reasons why you stayed silent.

When the conversation starts with, “We have women in leadership positions, so clearly, they are treated equally and have equal opportunity…” you don’t want to go into the details of the path you endured to get there – sometimes painful, challenging and unjust.

When the conversation starts in any of these ways, it usually stops just as quickly.

Why do so many people keep starting the conversation with one eye closed, one ear covered and one foot stepping upon the pedestal they will use to preach their progressive, inclusive superiority; their immunity to the notion of "abuse of power"; their presumed "leading" response following an epidemic?

Why can’t they simply ask women, “What has it been like for you?”

And then, believe them.

Don’t punish them for the times it did happen to them. Don’t punish them for the times they didn’t speak up and out against their perpetrators. Don’t punish them for the success they’ve achieved despite the hardship and pretend that the road to leadership looked the same for a woman as it did for a man.

Just don’t.

Here’s the problem. You’re not listening. Again.

This isn’t about you for the reasons you’re making it. But it should be about you for the reasons you’re avoiding.

You’ve been complicit. Or you’ve been complacent. But what you haven’t been is compassionate.

We’re all in this together – whether we want to be or not. So, take the “you versus me,” “us versus them,” “guilty versus innocent,” “men versus women” and throw it out the window.

Because you’re as much a part of the problem as you can be the solution. Own that. Think about it. Reflect for a bit.

And then, when you remember that time you said or did that thing or watched someone say or do that thing – and you said and did nothing – consider the fact that the woman on the receiving end has endured those offenses fiftyfold.

Here’s the problem: it might be you.

But, here's the good news: It's a new decade. It's a new year. It's a new day.

And the time for authentic change is now. If you wait until you're 100% ready, you'll never start anything. And whatever you're working towards – as an individual, as a company, as an industry – has to be worth more than the discomfort you're about to feel.

Change is inevitable. Growth is optional. What will you choose?