Why Pride still matters

I met my husband in a pub in 2009. I was 25 and he was 21. He was the friend of a friend who joined us one night, and we immediately hit it off, chatting and laughing all evening. So much so that one of our friends at the table said, ‘invite us to the wedding, won’t you?’. 8 years later, we did invite them to the wedding.

After dating for a few months, I lost my job. The world was still reeling from the 2008 economic crash, and I struggled to find a new job for several months. Though the relationship was still new, we moved in together primarily to help reduce living costs – though we were also very much in love. Fortunately, it turned out to be the right thing for us. After 4 years, 3 house moves, 2 cat adoptions and 3 job changes, he proposed to me while we were on holiday in New York for my 30th birthday.

We had planned to go ice skating at Rockefeller Plaza, something I really wanted to do due to my love of the show 30 Rock. Unbeknownst to me, he had purchased an engagement package with them. At the end of the skating session, he told me to stay on the ice. Then my favourite romantic song started playing over the sound system, and he got down on one knee to propose – not an easy feat in ice skates! Naturally I said yes, and the ever-present New York crowds cheered – it was quite the experience!

Although same sex civil partnerships have been legal since 2005 in the UK, same sex marriage didn’t become legal until 2014. I was glad that our union would be considered an official marriage, without needing it's own term - it made it feel like we weren't different, we were just 2 people in love and getting married.

From there we quickly progressed through life’s milestones. We were fortunate enough to be able to buy our first home in 2016, in 2018 we were married, and in 2019 we adopted our kids, aged 6 and 4 at the time. They are biological siblings who came from a home of abuse and neglect.

Becoming a parent is a life-changing event, it has an even bigger impact when you have children with special needs, and adopting is more impactful still. Same sex adoption has been legal in the UK since 2002, so we didn’t feel like we were necessarily breaking barriers at the time, but we still barely know any other adopted families, let alone LGBTQ+ ones, so I guess it’s fair to say it’s still uncommon – certainly it’s rare enough to make us feel othered at times.

The first thing we realised when the kids started school, is that most other kids and parents had known each other a long time. The majority of them had been going to pre-natal classes, parent and toddler classes, and pre-school childcare for many years before starting school together. In addition, the town we had moved to is the sort of place where families live for generations, which meant many of the parents had been friends since they were at school. It was initially quite isolating to enter this environment where most people knew each other – and that feeling could only have been greater for the kids. Still, we worked hard to engage with the school and socialise with other families, and now feel very settled and accepted.

That said, we do sometimes see homophobia coming from some of the older kids in school, who tease my son about having gay dads, and we know in some cases these views have come from the parents.

We live in a small Hampshire town, it’s not the bustling, diverse metropolis of London, but it’s still modern enough to have Pride events at the local pub. Despite that, because of my own experiences of homophobic abuse throughout life, I often find it difficult to show my husband affection in public. I still get very self-conscious about holding hands, which is something he loves to do. However, rightly or wrongly, being a family with kids gives me some feeling of validation for our lifestyle. We’re just a regular family working very hard to give our kids the best life they can have, despite the horrible start they had, and the special needs this has resulted in.

We recently had our local summer fair. Now that we have lived here for 7 years and have become engaged members of the community with lots of friends and acquaintances, I found myself enjoying walking around in the sunshine, with a child holding one hand and my husband holding the other.

As a family, we enjoy watching Doctor Who, and in a recent episode The Doctor is attracted to, and ultimately shares a passionate kiss with, a male character. I personally really enjoyed the episode but was especially pleased to see such bold LGBTQ+ representation. The show has had some good diverse representation at times in the past, but this is the first time the titular character has gone this far to be overtly queer. It is a shame then, that within the comments on posts about the episode on social media, I have seen a plethora of awful homophobically-motivated statements. In my day-to-day life I no longer see much homophobia and I had grown complacent and ignorant to the bigotry around me. Equality in our world is hard-fought and constantly under threat, reading the prejudiced posts about the show have been a real wake up call for me on that.

I used to do a lot for the LGBTQ+ community - running ERGs, marching in Pride events, writing articles; but lately with my job, my family and, to some degree, the fact that I’m 40 now, I’ve been content to just live happily in the peace we had achieved for ourselves. But this recent attack on equality that I’ve noticed in just my small circle, as well as the disturbing rise of the Far Right in several countries, is a reminder not to grow complacent, to keep fighting, not just for LGBTQ+ rights, but for equality for all.

Though life comes with no guarantees, and I find myself constantly worrying about the future for my children, I am happy and confident in the home my husband and I have built and filled with love and support. I’m also grateful that we live in a time and place where we have been able to achieve all that we have, for had we be born just 20 years earlier, or in one of the 64 countries that still have laws that criminalise homosexuality, none of it would have been possible.

Though Pride can sometimes seem gimmicky and over-commercialised, it is still relevant, and genuinely important to ensure equal rights are obtained and maintained. There are still many countries where the LGBTQ+ community lack the opportunities and safety we have here in the UK, and other places where hard-fought equality is under constant threat. Behind the rainbow flags and Pride parades, there are real people who just want the opportunity to live authentically without fear or shame.

Love is love, and I’m very fortunate to have so much of it in my life.