Why politeness is overrated

If you’re looking for a way to have more open and honest conversations, make this a resolution for 2025.

Be less polite.

That may seem like an odd suggestion coming from someone in the communications business. Or from anyone, really. After all, being polite is one of our adaptive tactics as a species. It’s a social lubricant and a way to reduce conflicts. Go along to get along.

By boosting the prospects for group cohesion and collaboration, politeness has been deemed essential to our welfare and our very existence.

In their book Survival of the Friendliest, a pair of researchers from Duke University’s Center for Cognitive Neuroscience suggest that politeness and “cooperative communication” among humans is at the essence of successful evolution. It’s how we live with others.

So why am I advocating for less politeness?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying we should be ill-mannered or unkind. Sure, say please and thank you, share, wait your turn, and be generous and considerate. We learned all that in kindergarten. But we learned something else then too: use your words.

Hands off the mute button

Sometimes, out of a misplaced impulse to be polite, we mute ourselves.

Ever been in this situation? You’re part of a circle that in the past has held similar views on politics. Lately, you find yourself dissenting on many matters. But when a hot button topic comes up, you nod your head and let others in the group think you agree rather than risk being shunned.

What about this? An acquaintance offers their groundless (and maybe offensive) opinion as fact, while dismissing objective facts as opinion. You’re too shaken to continue to engage and wonder if it’s worth doing so anyway.

Or this. A person close to you makes an distasteful or obnoxious generalization about an entire culture, based on their narrow experience and biases. It’s only hours later, stewing alone at home, that you think of how you should have replied.

It can happen all the time in other areas of personal relationships. Someone gets your back up with a passive-aggressive remark. A friend loves to gossip (you don’t) about another member of your friend group. Your parent finds ways to critique your life decisions. A judgmental aunt habitually gives you unsolicited advice.

All of it can drive you nuts. But you don’t want to shame someone by calling them out. Or maybe you don’t want to insult the other person, even though they weren’t concerned about insulting you in the first place. So inwardly you boil, but outwardly you smile and keep the peace.

Use your words.

I found a term called “Canadian standoff” in the online Urban Dictionary. It describes a different sort of situation, where two people each want to hold the door open for the other and insist the other go first. So they both end up just standing there.

During a Canadian standoff, politeness means nothing gets done. In conversations too, we can achieve inertia by being polite. So let’s get something done.

Seek constructive conflict

I’m not championing rudeness. But there’s nothing wrong with healthy conflict. So be resolved: speak your mind and be the contrarian if needed. Wear that like a badge of honour.

You won’t always shift someone else’s views, but it’s not just about that. It’s about having a constructive dialogue and more real talk.

Politeness isn’t always a virtue. It can hold you back from saying what you mean. When you use your words, there’s always a chance you’ll be accused of being snarky, touchy or holier than thou. Better that, though, than popping a blood vessel because you’ve bottled everything up.

Being polite can help us live with others. But speaking up and speaking out can help you live with yourself.

Stuart Foxman is a Toronto-based freelance writer, who helps clients' products, services, ideas and organizations to come alive. Connect with me here on LinkedIn, check me out at foxmancommunications.com or follow me on X (formerly Twitter) @StuartFoxman where I share these blogs too. More original posts coming regularly about communications, information, motivation, writing, branding, creativity, media, marketing, persuasion, messages, learning, etc.