Why pick me as your mediator?

My name is Sharon Morrissey and I am a Mediator. I work in Family Mediation this includes Child Inclusive Mediation and Child Focused Mediation. I also work with Mediations and Conflict Management in the workplace.

I lecture in Understanding Conflict, Conflict Analysis and Dynamics, Advance Mediation Theory and Practice, Self-Awareness and Reflection. This is what I refer to as Internal and External Conflict Management. I am involved with various groups that support Children who are separated from their parents for reasons such as parental separation, alienation, bereavement and loss. I also supervise Masters Dissertation Students in Dispute Resolution, and am Program Lead on HEA Course.

Working with people has formed part of my life for 25 years at this stage. I am a mediator since 2016, certified and accredited with the Mediators Institute of Ireland. I hold many other qualifications, and I must confess that I love learning. Not just courses to do with my work which I adore, but other courses e.g. self-awareness, however, currently I am learning crochet (or trying to). I can knit, both my mom and granny were amazing knitters, and whilst I don’t ever think I will be near that standard, it is about aligning my creative side and my intellectual side. This life is teaching me that too much of one thing is not good, and I have a tendency to become wholly absorbed in my work.  

Back in 2011 I became involved in a case and the trajectory of that case completely changed the focus of my life and my life’s work. This case showed me how children are used in many cases in a negative and destructive way during relationship breakdown. Some parents (not all) use their children as weapons of war to have their unmet needs met. By doing this, the trauma effects to these children are similar to those experienced by children in countries ravaged by war. This has been proven by research. I was intrigued to find out why and to try and understand why people in a relationship breakdown would use children in such a way. That was part of the curiosity, the other part of me wanted to understand how this experience- the experience of relationship breakdown could be “fixed” for all involved. This was my profile a “fixer” Now I facilitate and support. Mediation has done this for me.

My primary degree is in Applied Social Care and I have been a Social Care worker since 1995. Since then, I have worked in areas termed “disadvantaged” In my youth, innocently, I believed this term referred to money. As I have gotten older and become more aware, I understand the term “disadvantage” is many things and has many faces. Time disadvantage, economic/financial disadvantage, emotional disadvantage even now in this Pandemic we are socially disadvantaged, mental health care disadvantage, house (home) disadvantage, educational disadvantage, parent disadvantage. In this country, it is my earnest belief we are gender disadvantaged and this works on so many levels. There is no Domestic Abuse refuge for men in this country. Why is that? Men being victims of domestic violence, abuse, coercive control and psychological abuse is not being adequately addressed. Men are victims of domestic abuse, as are women. There are differences of course, but in my view the strategy of training around gender abuse needs to change. Disadvantage women have been placed in Mother and Baby Homes, at a minimum 9000 babies dead, and sold. The victims stories continue to be unheard. The Cervical Cancer Scandal (that continues at the hands of the HSE and State) 221+ cases identified, The Church Abuse Scandals, and within all of this, children were, are, and will continue to be disadvantaged. When children do not receive support as children we all live in a world with broken adults. I don’t want this for my children and grandchildren.

The Master of Arts in Mediation and Conflict Resolution has taught me so much about myself. I have so much gratitude and mindfulness to the process of mediation. I mediate with myself continuously.

Mediation (not to be confused with meditation) is a process where an independent, neutral, third party facilitates people who are in conflict to reach an agreement. Their agreement. It’s an individualised agreement, suiting the specific needs of all of the parties involved. Mediation has been in the news this week as Lyndsey Bennette settled her case with the HSE as a result of mediation.

More recently, I have had the privilege of being asked to mediate what I term “End of Life” Mediation. I use the word” privileged” purposefully here. Working with families who have receive earth shattering news that the end of life is going to come sooner than anticipated is a privilege. I will be forever thankful to the people who have allowed me into their lives at such a vulnerable time. In these mediations, there is little conflict, it is to prevent conflict after the death of the person with the diagnosis. It is a beautiful and powerful process.

The mediation process allows the parties involved to have their say, to explain how the conflict has affected them on a personal, professional and emotional way. How the conflict has affected the people around them. This is why it is vital in my opinion that children are allowed have the freedom to be involved in a mediation process,(age and stage appropriate) It is also vital that the mediator has excellent skills and knowledge of how to do this.( Ask for qualifications and references). I also use Child Focused Mediation with separating parents. This mediation is constantly focused on the children’s needs.

Systems Theory, informs us that we are all part of a system. If we take a moment to think about this. My nearest system is that of my husband, my daughters, myself. Then the system increases e.g. our system increases to include wider family, step-children, children’s partners, ex-partners, family of origin, step-parents, brothers and sisters-in-law etc. Mediation allows all the parties to “have their say” and it is the role of the mediator (my role) to ensure all parties feel they have been heard. I will always ask, do we have who we need at our mediation table? Systems Theory in Mediation allows us to ensure children do not lose out on grandparents, cousins, friends, sports- everything that has formed part of their life until this relationship breakdown point. I have written a book about relationship breakdown from the children’s perspective called “That’s Not My Ending!” available on Amazon at Philips Bookstore in Mallow.

Why does “being heard” impact the process?

Usually within a conflictual situation the parties feel so slighted by the conflict they are in a conflict escalation stage. They believe their point of view to be the right and only point of view. Constructive communication has completely broken down. If there is some communication, it will be a negative as the parties at this point do not have the ability to hear one another, they are more invested in defending their perception of right and how they have been wronged. It is black and white thinking. There is no middle ground. Within these situations it is my job to de-escalate the conflict, to allow the parties to speak, be heard and understood. Rarely, in my experience, is the presenting issue the cause of the conflict. I support parties to be ready to identify the actual cause of the conflict by asking exploratory non-judgemental questions, listening, paraphrasing to ensure I hear and understand what is being said, so that I can reframe this in a way that each person becomes aware of what the root of the conflict is and why it has wounded so deeply.

There are usually profound learnings at this stage. I would describe my work as holistic and based in systems theory. This is not therapy as I do not diagnose any issues. I do have qualifications in counselling, however, I do not practice as a counsellor, I do use the skills.

It is also a belief that when we are so hurt on an individual level as a result of the conflict, it is my role to ensure people are strong enough to mediate. Throughout all sessions I am screening for capacity. I have, on a number of occasions had to stop mediations as people are not ready emotionally to be able to look at the presenting or underlying conflict issues. I have ASIST training completed, and this has been used several times and is really a life saver.

Why is mediation an effective alternative to court?

I am often asked this question. Some people have this false belief that mediation is easier. This is false. For people to have to sit in a room and negotiate the outcome of their own conflicts, as opposed to being told what to do by a Judge is not easier. People need a level of maturity to mediate. Some people will never be able to mediate any conflict because they will prefer to hand their power to the Judge and then blame the court if things do not go in their favour.

Private mediation is expensive at the outset, but again in terms of emotional and long-term financial loss it is significantly cheaper. Like everything people get what they pay for. A quality service in any professional area does not come cheap. Mediation has a worldwide success rate of 80%. I am wary about how success is measured. If parties leave my mediation room with the understanding that they have been heard, but an agreement is not reached- that is a success. Parties themselves are in charge of the outcome in the mediation, I am in charge of the process. Mediation is confidential in general. There are some exceptions and these are discussed with parties before mediation commences, when the Agreement to Mediate is signed and throughout the process. Mediation is a dignified process and a distinguished method of resolving conflict.

I work with companies, businesses and families who have conflict management issues. I work with separating couples, couples and children, adult children and parents, teenagers and parents. Conflict does not have to have negative connotations all of the time. Conflict, when managed correctly can provide growth and understanding of needs and wishes, and an improvement in communication skills. In my view the ability to understand and manage conflict is a skill that should be taught in schools from an early age, equal to the skills of reading, writing and math.

It is a life skill. It is my life’s passion and work. I absolutely love what I do, and am deeply grateful everyday for that case in 2011 that changed my life.

www.sharonmorrisseyconflictresolution.ie

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