Why people are not listening to you!

Do you ever feel people are not really listening to you? They nod, and make lots of ‘huh huh’ sounds in all the right places. But you walk away from the conversation with a nagging sense they have not understood your key message, or don’t act on your feedback.

Have you considered the possibility that they don’t feel listened to, by you??

Here is a simple yet essential skill that very many professionals (if not most) are missing, even if they think they have it. By developing and practicing this skill you will enrich your personal and professional relationships to no end. It really is based in the simple truth: If you want to be heard, then start by listening.

• When in conversation, routinely reflect back what the other person is saying. It will anchor you in the relationship, at least in that moment, as you make psychological contact. This can be quite a challenge when feeling stressed or overwhelmed, and so start by practicing when relatively relaxed.?

• The technique is most effective when you paraphrase salient points, using the person’s own words, and will enable you to quickly build rapport.?

• Resist sharing your opinion, interpretations or even solutions at this stage. Simply reflect back what they are telling you. Invite them to pause every now and then, so can reflect and summarise the details (e.g., If I understand correctly, then because of X and Y you believe Z should happen. Is that correct?).?

• Suspending your own thoughts, feelings and reactions will sharpen your awareness of what they are saying (and not saying), and enable you to catch the nuances and complexities or their message, opinion or perspective. This is especially important when you are involved in situations where emotions are running high.

• Besides deepening your understanding, it also leaves them feeling seen and validated as you demonstrate your understanding (even if you hold a radically different opinion or perspective!).?

• If you have listened well, you will now have a captive audience, and are far more likely to have their interest and attention reciprocated, so that you can reap the same sweet benefits.?

• By integrating this into your communication style, and leading in this way, you are cultivating an attentive listening culture in your relationship with them and others in within your network. Clarity becomes king, synergy becomes queen.

I started by referring to this as a simple skill. In theory, it is. In practice, it can be much more challenging to implement or refine. There is so much more to say, and many more complications that can emerge. That said, by sticking to these guiding principles will take you (and others) far, and should not be underestimated or ignored. But don’t take my word for it… see for yourself!?

Hope you found this helpful? I would love hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments.

Kindly,

Matt

Dr Matt Shorrock (Psychologist, Coach & Psychotherapist).

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