Why People Leave

As a recently-divorced woman having worked in the field of online education for almost 16 years, I’m no stranger to the feelings of restlessness and discontent. The concept of my 11-year marriage (nearly 14-year relationship) paralleled that of my full-time employment history — it served its purpose and was tied to survival, but left me feeling hollow, undervalued, and simply exhausted.

I’m now happily unmarried and I haven’t once looked back since those papers were signed. My ex-husband isn’t a bad person, but we became a bad fit. I held on much longer than I should have because we had small children, elderly dogs, bills bills bills, and a skeletal local support system. Once those things became more manageable — I felt the kids were finally old enough to advocate for themselves, got the dogs’ health conditions under control, consolidated and paid off some debt, and moved into a neighborhood with some of the best friends I could ask for— it was time to sever the union that no longer served me.

Aside from the crumbled marriage, I had also been staying in a job I didn’t love because it’s the devil I’ve always known. I’d been scared to jump ship. I’d lacked confidence that I could do anything else — be anything else. Sound familiar? These anchors, the things that make people stay, are often such overwhelming barriers that people remain in stagnant, ineffectual, and sometimes poisonous situations.

People leave bad relationships for the same three reasons they leave undesirable jobs: They’re feeling undervalued, they put forth too much effort, and the grass is greener somewhere else.

Feeling Valued

Your employer, as well as any human being with whom you are involved, should show that they value you. Relative to any job, this comes in the form of the three Ps — pay, perks, and praise — while in a relationship, whether romantic or platonic, appreciation and reciprocity are essential. When an individual, or an employer, doesn’t make the other party feel valued, the union is likely to dissolve. Employers need to make sure pay is competitive, the perks provide employees with unique benefits, and the praise is timely, personalized, regular, and sincere. This is how many companies demonstrate that they value their staff. In relationships, it’s important to recognize what your significant other brings to the table as well as exemplify respect for them. Check out the five Love Languages for ways to show your partner you care.

Involved Effort

Have you ever gone above and beyond at work or done something for no additional pay? It feels good every now and then! Now, what if you’re doing it all the time? Are you consistently exerting more energy than your same-level coworkers? Have you been handling a larger load than the pay is worth? Do you make yourself physically ill with the hours you put in, only to realize you’re vastly under-recognized? If these things are true, and you don’t make a change, you’ll experience burnout — FAST. The same goes for relationships. Have you ever had a friendship that was one-sided? Do you have a coworker who constantly take advantage of your kindness? Are you feeling drained by a family member who demands more time and attention than you feel you can give? Effort should be rewarded appropriately, both occupationally and in love. If something, or someone, feels like too much work, you may be exhausting yourself and should consider pulling back to preserve your own sanity.

The Grass Is Greener

If you’ve ever been cheated on, you’ve felt the heartbreak of being abandoned for another person. Sure, “regular” break-ups are difficult, but being the victim of an affair can be soul-crushing. I’d never condone infidelity but I do (somewhat) understand it. Sometimes the grass is greener in another pasture. If you’re in a relationship (or working for an employer) that doesn’t make you happy, it’s natural to look elsewhere. Entertaining the idea of a better life is normal. There’s homeostasis involved with personal contentment; we become unhappy, we absentmindedly start to think about alternatives, and moving away from an unsatisfactory situation is how our bodies find balance. We subconsciously seek out a healthier environment. Can this be done without cheating on your mate or spouse? Absolutely. I hate that one partner has to suffer because the other was disloyal. When it comes to keeping options open at work, though, I am far less judgmental. Employees should feel empowered to browse, apply, and interview elsewhere at any given time. More often than not, we have no clue what kind of work-related grass is out there until we start looking. Maintaining an awareness of potential opportunities is, simply, wise.

If you find yourself in relationship or employment limbo, practice this three part mantra:

I’m worth it. I deserve well-being. I’m not stuck here.

After all, what advice would you give your best girlfriend if her boyfriend was unappreciative, unfeeling, and overly critical?

Leave.

And what advice would you give your favorite coworker if he was underpaid, worked too hard, and miserable every day?

Leave.

You, too, can leave.

You’re worth it. You deserve better. You’re not stuck there.

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