Why passive aggression can be triggering to trauma survivors.

One of the reasons why passive-aggressive behaviour can trigger trauma survivors so badly is, that it often hooks into all these doubts we have about ourselves.?

We know trauma does a real number on our feelings of self-worth and self-efficacy (which, combined, add up to what we call our “self-esteem).?

We know trauma has a way of convincing us we are simply not up to life’s challenges.?

We know trauma has a way of convincing us that we are not worthy to even FACE life’s challenges— let alone conquer them.?

As we work our trauma recovery, we often confront the lies Trauma Brain and the internal prosecutor tell us about our self-worth and self-efficacy— but, as every survivor reading this will affirm, it’s often an uphill battle.?

Our nervous system didn’t get this way overnight. Changing the way we process information and relate to ourselves in recovery takes time. Trauma recovery is literally a process of reconditioning ourselves after years of harmful conditioning— in many cases, actual brainwashing.?

As we go about this project or reconditioning our nervous system, day after day, we can be particularly vulnerable to certain interpersonal patterns— and a pattern we are particularly vulnerable to is passive aggression.?

You know the behaviour I mean. It’s even sometimes exhibited by people who call themselves our “friends.”?

Passive aggression is when someone seems to have a problem with us— but they don’t express their problem with us directly.?

They say hurtful things that sure seem to be about us— but maybe they say them to other people, or in a social media post, or in another context where we’re likely to see or hear it.?

And they say it just obliquely enough that it’s not an obvious attack or criticism.?

Passive aggression is nothing new in human relationships— but why can it trigger trauma survivors so badly??

One reason is, it’s a form of gaslighting.?

When somebody obviously seems to have a problem with us but then denies up and down they have a problem with us, it can have the effect of making us feel “crazy”— when in fact we’re having a normal response to incongruent or confusing signals.?

Another reason is, that many complex trauma survivors in particular grew up in households where we had to be hyper-aware of even the smallest shift in the emotional “temperature.”?

Passive aggressive behaviour can set off all kinds of alarm bells for complex trauma survivors because it reminds us of family or other contexts where we had to take signals of potential aggression or discord seriously as a matter of safety.?

A third reason why passive aggression can trigger trauma survivors so much is, it often reinforces negative narratives about ourselves that we’re already struggling to reality test and challenge.?

Many complex trauma servers have been headf*cked by people who said they were our friends— and then betrayed us in various ways.?

We’ve been head-f*cked by families who were supposed to have our back— but didn’t.?

We’ve been head-f*cked by churches that represented they were places of safety and spiritual truth— but then turned out to be dangerous places run by disingenuous people.?

Nobody likes passive aggression. It’s an immature, unkind way to communicate.?

But passive aggression can push particular buttons in complex trauma survivors, for reasons that become clear as we understand more about complex trauma.?

Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer to the question of what to do when a “friend” chooses to make passive aggression the main way they communicate with (or, rather, about) us.?

But first thing’s first: we have to recognize when we’re triggered, and manage the feelings of unsafely and self-reproach that can get stirred up inside.?