Why Owning Your Narrative is the Key to Lasting Success

Have you ever found yourself gliding along, ticking off life's checkboxes—graduating, landing that first corporate job, climbing the ladder—and suddenly asking, "Is this it? Is this all there is?" I’ve been there, and so have many of the women I coach. It’s as if we’re all on a treadmill, running as fast as we can but staying in the same place, waiting for that magical feeling of fulfilment to appear.

But let me tell you something I’ve discovered along the way: that feeling won’t just "appear." It’s up to us to author our own lives—to have a self-authored mind—a concept that has made all the difference in my own journey and the lives of those I coach.?

Let’s dive into what it means to have a self-authored mind, why it’s crucial for high performance, and how you can cultivate this mindset to Ignite Your SPARK and live a life of full engagement, joy, and confidence.

What is the Self-Authored Mind?

To put it simply, the self-authored mind is about taking charge of your story. It’s moving from a life dictated by societal expectations, parental values, or external pressures and stepping into a life aligned with your inner compass—your values, your vision, and your purpose. This concept, grounded in adult development theory by Harvard's Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey, distinguishes between a "socialised mind" and a "self-authored mind."?

The socialised mind—where about 75% of us operate—leans on external definitions of success. It's the voice that says, “Work harder, get that promotion, then you’ll be happy.” It’s that itch to live up to everyone else’s expectations. Sound familiar?

In contrast, the self-authored mind is the voice inside you that asks, “What do I really want?” It’s the mind that steps back, evaluates, and redefines success on its own terms. It’s not about being selfish; it’s about living a life in alignment with who you are at your core.

Why a Self-Authored Mind is Essential for High Performance

So why does this matter? Well, if you’ve been following my work on high performance, you know that success isn’t just about working harder—it’s about working smarter. It’s about living a life of full engagement, joy, and confidence, consistently and over the long term. But here’s the catch: You can’t achieve high performance if you’re not operating from a place of authenticity.

Without a self-authored mind, we’re on autopilot. We’re saying “yes” to things that don’t serve us, chasing goals that don’t light us up, and ultimately burning out because we’re disconnected from our purpose. When we shift to a self-authored mind, everything changes. We gain clarity, set boundaries, and make decisions that align with our deepest values. This alignment fuels our energy, focus, and drive—the true ingredients of high performance.

My Journey from Socialised to Self-Authored

I wasn’t always living from a self-authored mind—far from it. Years ago, I was following the well-worn path. I had the career, the marriage, the house—the things society tells you will make you happy. But deep down, I wasn’t fulfilled. Something was missing. I was living by someone else’s rules and measuring my worth by standards that weren’t mine.

Then, I hit a turning point. One day, after a particularly difficult period in my life, I realised I wasn’t living for myself—I was living for expectations I had internalised from others. That was the moment I decided to take ownership of my story. I started asking myself the tough questions: “What do I really want? What does success look like for me?” Slowly but surely, I began rewriting my narrative.

It wasn’t easy, and it certainly wasn’t instant. But as I began living from my values and purpose, I experienced a massive shift in my energy and focus. I became more engaged in life. I started my business, travelled the world, climbed Mount Kilimanjaro—experiences that would have never been possible had I stayed on autopilot.

How to Cultivate a Self-Authored Mind

You might be wondering, “Okay, but how do I actually develop a self-authored mind?” Let me walk you through some steps that have not only worked for me but have helped countless women I’ve coached.

1. Ask the Right Questions

The first step to a self-authored mind is to get curious about yourself. I always tell my clients, “Clarity is everything.” Ask yourself:

???- What do I really want?

???- What are my non-negotiable values?

???- Whose standards am I living by?

???- What would success look like if I defined it for myself?

Don’t rush through these questions. Sit with them. Journal about them. Discuss them with a trusted friend or coach. The goal is to start peeling back the layers of external expectations to reveal what you truly value.

2. Set Boundaries

A self-authored mind knows how to say “no.” This isn’t about being difficult; it’s about protecting your time, energy, and focus for the things that matter most to you. When I first started setting boundaries, I felt guilty. But over time, I realised that every “no” to something misaligned was a “yes” to something that fueled my purpose.

Think of it this way: If you’re always saying yes to things that drain you, how can you show up fully for the things that energise you? Boundaries are essential for maintaining high performance in the long term.

3. Challenge Your Beliefs

One of the hallmarks of the self-authored mind is the ability to challenge your own beliefs. This is where true growth happens. I often ask my clients, “Where are you holding yourself back? What limiting beliefs are keeping you from living the life you want?”?

This can be uncomfortable because it forces you to confront your fears and assumptions. But once you do, you can start rewriting those beliefs in ways that serve you rather than limit you.

4. Embrace Discomfort

Growth is uncomfortable—it’s supposed to be. But here’s the thing: Discomfort is where the magic happens. If you’re always staying in your comfort zone, you’re not growing. You’re not expanding into the person you’re meant to be. Every time I’ve stepped into something new—whether it was starting my business, delivering a TEDx talk, or travelling the world with my family (and homeschooling!)—it felt uncomfortable at first. But those experiences stretched me and helped me grow in ways I could never have imagined.

5. Take Ownership

Ultimately, developing a self-authored mind means taking full responsibility for your life. It’s about no longer blaming others or circumstances for where you are. Yes, life throws challenges at us—there’s no denying that. But the power comes from recognising that you are the author of your response to those challenges.?

As Viktor Frankl said,?

"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing: your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation."?

Owning your narrative is about exercising that freedom.

What’s Next?

Once you start living from a self-authored mind, you’ll notice that your entire approach to life shifts. You’ll start to feel more engaged, more alive, and more in control of your own story. You’ll be more resilient in the face of challenges, and you’ll experience the deep satisfaction that comes from living in alignment with your true self.

And let me tell you, there’s nothing more powerful than a woman who knows who she is and where she’s going.

But remember, this is a journey. It doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself grace. Celebrate your wins, however small they may seem. Every step you take towards owning your story is a step towards living a life of full engagement, joy, and confidence.

So, what will your next chapter look like? Will you let external pressures write it for you, or will you take up the pen and author it yourself?

If you’re ready to start your journey, I’d be honoured to help you discover your unique version of success. Because remember, you can Ignite Your SPARK and live the life you’ve always dreamed of—it all starts with you.

Let’s get to writing that story, shall we?

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Your Coach

Stephanie