Why No One Listens To Me?

Some time ago, I was very frustrated about a situation because the conversation was not going as planned. What I envisioned as a conversation was gradually turning into an argument––a defence battle. I believe most of us have had this experience or a similar experience. When the back and forth is over, you ask, "Why is he or she not listening to me?"

Could you tell me why nobody is listening to you? Let us identify some reasons and provide solutions to them together.

The first thing we need to understand as individuals is that communication is a two-way interaction. We have a speaker and a listener. When you are doing the talking at a particular point in time, you become the speaker. The person listening to you becomes the listener. To foster a healthy conversation that does not turn into an argument, we must listen actively when one is speaking. In many circumstances, we are quick to insert some explanations when we think that the speaker is wrong. It is not a bad thing to correct the wrong thoughts of others. However, cutting them off to explain your point while they are talking creates room for defence. What we can do is take note of what the speaker says and when he or she invites us to talk, we respectfully address what we believe is a wrong perception. Learning to take turns in any form of communication is very important if we want the other party to listen to us.

Human beings are more likely to project their thoughts, feelings, and perceptions about themselves, someone or something. This negatively influences how we communicate with others. One of the difficult things to do is to get rid of our biases and preconceived notions. This is because our experiences and the people we interact with make us develop some attitudes and ideas unconsciously. These attitudes, ideas and perceptions are what make us different from others. This is to say that every individual you meet in this world is different so when we are communicating, we need not hold on too tightly to our perceptions about ourselves. It is important to try and understand the experiences of others in as much as you want them to understand you. Never say, "My experiences are more profound them his or hers." We need to be more empathetic whenever we are communicating. When both parties are empathetic in a conversation, listening becomes automatic. Being empathetic does not mean you refuse to be critical and logical. It means you are considering not only the outcome of a behaviour or action but the underlying cause. If we want to get to the root, we must be willing to dig deeper.

Nobody likes to be ordered around. Human beings are autonomous entities. We appreciate individuals who would ask for our opinions on situations than those who will just say, "I have made a decision which is final because I know it is the best." What if you asked a question instead of giving a command? Asking a question communicates that you value the ideas and thoughts of the other party. This speaks a lot about your character as an individual. You are regarded as one who is interested in others because you want to know what they think and feel about the situation. Most often, we tend to believe that telling people what to do is the best solution. Actually, it can work for some time until they refuse to do what you say entirely. You can be cooperative in your communication and still attain positive results. Being bossy at all times is not a guarantee that people will listen to you.

Criticising, complaining and condemning create a block in your listeners' ears and hearts. It is funny how human beings become all edgy when another individual highlights something negative about our personality. Some of these criticisms and complaints are very true but it hurts to hear them coming from others. How can we communicate our displeasure if we are not criticising, complaining or condemning? We can start from a place of genuine compassion by talking about the good sides of the other party. People are more likely to listen to us when we highlight what we believe is good in them. It reduces tension. Some people are able to start from a place of genuine compassion, however, they muddy the water by introducing the contrasting word "but". For instance, my mother is very dissatisfied with my attitude of sleeping till midday. She confronts me about this and says,

"Nana, I understand that you read deep into the night and as a result, you are unable to wake up early. But this is getting out of hand and I can't condone this attitude. It is better to stop studying at night. You can study during the day."

The conversation started from a place of genuine compassion but it ended with a complaint. Complaining awakens one's need to defend himself or herself. What if my mother had said,

"Nana, I understand that you read deep into the night and as a result, you are unable to wake up early. I am happy you are investing so much into your education. I was wondering if we could have a look at your schedule again and take out some of the activities to prevent you from studying so deep into the night. What do you think of this?"

Can you observe the difference between the first and second conversations? This time around, my mother refused to complain outwardly even though she expressed her discontentment about the situation. Also, she wants us to find a lasting solution to the situation as a team.

We can always find a better way to get others to listen to us. Communication is not just about putting words together. We need to understand that it is a craft and we must consciously learn and develop positive approaches whenever we want to communicate. There is more to learn when it comes to getting the other party to listen to you and we cannot learn everything in a day. As we interact with people, let us cultivate the habit of listening with empathy. Let us take an interest in people by asking for their opinions instead of commanding them. Finally, talking from a point of genuine compassion will get them to tear down their defence walls.