Why "No Offence, But..." Doesn't Work and What to Do About It

One of the basic needs for anybody to be able to really listen to what you are saying (or requesting, questioning, etc.) - and properly process the information -  in a conversation is safety. Psychological safety. If the listener feels safe when listening to you, half of the work to effectively be heard is already done.

This morning, while driving to this coffee shop I had a chat with my spouse (C) that went something like this:

C - Hon, I am just curious about what just happened: what were you doing while (our daughter) was asking for help?"

B - Wow, i'm impressed, C. You know, you "previewed" your question.

C- What do you mean?

Me-You told me what you intended with the question before you asked it. Probably because you thought I could feel "in trouble" with the question alone.

C-Hum... I never believe people when they tell do that (preview). That's why I guess I don't do it regularly. When people say 'no offence, but…' They aways come with an insult after that, regardless. For example, 'no offence but, you look like crap'."

There's an important difference between what C initially asked and the "no offence, but" example she gave. In her original question to me, she conveyed what the question was going to be about. She gave me the real mind "frame" for me to stick to. She basically conveyed how she wanted me to take the question. That is not the case when one says "No offence, but...".

When you don't give the right frame for people to stick to, it becomes actually more likely that they will get stuck on the potential offensive part of the statement/request/concern BECAUSE you brought attention to it by saying "no offence, but...". I am sure the intention is good, but it may be just counterproductive.

We can't control how people take what you say, but you can definitely increase your chances of success by remembering important principles. I believe that we still have to make sure we do our 50% of the "game". I also believe there's a lot of room for improvement in the operating room.

I want to make another point. In C's example, especially if there's no huge trust built between the two people communicating, when one says "no offence, but…". I personally tend to default into thinking "that is probably not true" and in my experience, this feeling this is very common amongst other humans.  

Points to be learned from this one:

• To make one listen to you, make it psychologically safe. To help with that:
• Preview! Verbalize why you are asking the question that is going to follow.

Readers - Do you have an example of people "overreacting" to a simple question you made?

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