Why Nice People Feel the Most Rage: The Hidden Burnout of Empathy

3 Reasons You Should Read This Article

1. Understand Why Suppressing Anger Backfires Discover why staying silent to "keep the peace" doesn’t just strain your relationships—it erodes your self-respect and magnifies inner tension.
2. Learn About the Fawn Response Ever felt like you’re prioritising everyone’s comfort over your own needs? This article explains the lesser-known fawn response and why people-pleasing isn’t as harmless as it seems.
3. Take the First Step to Healthy Communication With practical tools like using a "safe word," this article offers actionable advice to help you express frustration before it spirals into resentment.

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Introduction

“I think I need to express my anger more,” I say.

“Who doesn’t?” my friend replies.?

We laugh, but only briefly—because the truth behind the joke hits hard. For so many of us, expressing anger feels as good as releasing a massive fart in private after uncomfortably holding it in when you’re in public. But immediately the fear sets in, like ‘doing something bad’ at school - we know any moment we’ll be sent straight to detention.

So, we keep the peace and suck up the tension, suppressing our discomfort to ensure the comfort of others.

But here’s the thing: repressing anger doesn’t make it go away. It just hides it in a deep, dark closet until it bursts out, usually at the worst possible time. And when it does, we’re left feeling ashamed.

So why do the people who are “so nice” sometimes feel the most rage? And what can we do about it?

Are We Really Angry? Or Just Average?

“He’s just having a bad day.”

“Wow, I've never seen her so ‘intense.’”

These are the kinds of comments that get tossed around when someone who’s usually calm finally loses their cool. But here’s the reality: it’s often the product of weeks, months, or even years of bottling up frustration, swallowing emotions, and choosing silence over confrontation.

No one knows this side exists because we’ve worked so hard to bury it. We smile while gripping our fists while sweetly singing “all good!” when someone steps on our boundaries.

But when we finally do let a bit of sass slip through? The reactions are priceless.??

“Oh, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed!”??

“Geez, I didn’t think you had it in you.”??

It’s not that we’ve suddenly transformed into angry monsters. It’s that we’ve been suppressing this part of ourselves for so long that even a little crack in the fa?ade feels like an earthquake—to us and everyone else.

Fight, Flight, Freeze, or… Fawn?

Whether you learnt it in school or through a viral TikTok video, you’ve likely heard of the concept of Fight, Flight, or Freeze. But have you heard of their lesser-known sibling: fawn?

Yes, like Bambi… but not.

The term “fawn response” was coined by therapist Pete Walker to describe a coping mechanism where people avoid conflict by placating others and putting their needs above their own. It’s not about running from danger or freezing in fear—it’s about smoothing things over so the danger (or perceived danger) doesn’t escalate.

People who fawn tend to prioritise harmony over honesty, even to the point of self-sabotage. They avoid confrontation at all costs, say “yes” when they mean “no,” and bottle up emotions because they fear rejection or disapproval.

While this response is often tied to childhood trauma, it’s surprisingly common in adulthood—especially in social and workplace dynamics. Think about it: how many times have you bitten your tongue in a meeting because you didn’t want to “ruffle feathers”? Or stayed quiet during a disagreement with your boss because you feared being labelled as difficult???

The result? Short-term peace, long-term resentment, and an eventual emotional explosion that feels totally out of character—because, in a way, it is.

2 Things to Consider:?

1. Keeping the Peace With Others Only Magnifies Your Tension?

Every time you say “it’s fine” when it’s not, a little knot of tension forms inside you. Over time, those knots build up until they feel unbearable. And here’s the kicker: the peace you’re trying so hard to maintain? It’s fragile at best.?

When you prioritise other people’s comfort over your own authenticity, you’re not actually solving problems—you’re just sweeping them under the rug. Eventually, that rug becomes a tripping hazard, and you end up flat on your face.??

Question: Can you think of your earliest experience where you found keeping the peace was necessary but also magnified your inner tension? Is that experience linked to the person you are today?

2. When You Try to Please Everyone, You Please No One (Especially Yourself)?

Being a people-pleaser might feel like a safe choice, but it’s not a sustainable one. The more you try to cater to everyone’s expectations, the less authentic you become. And the less authentic you become, the more disconnected you feel—not just from others, but from yourself.

Here’s the hard truth: people-pleasing rarely earns you the love or respect you’re hoping for. Instead, it leaves you feeling drained, resentful, and, ironically, unappreciated.??

Question: Are there specific situations where you find yourself prioritising other people’s needs over your own that lead you to feeling resentful?

The First Easy(-ish) Step to Releasing Your Anger

When it comes to expressing anger, the hardest part is often just starting the conversation. That’s why I swear by the power of a safe word.

No, not that kind of ‘safe word’.

While my partner happily eats conflict for dessert, I run from it faster than Usain Bolt. As a result, I hold in my frustrations for weeks while allowing my mind to create the most ridiculous and catastrophic stories. I then end up spending 95% of the time in the shower imaging all the ‘smart’ things I’m going to say when I eventually have that conversation with him.

Yet that conversation never happens.

That’s why my partner and I use a safe word: “pickled onion.” (Yes, it’s random. That’s the point.)

When I need to release some frustration, I start the conversation by saying it out loud. As a result, my partner immediately knows two things: 1) I’m struggling to express something, and 2) I need his support and compassion. It’s a simple, non-confrontational way to signal that I’m about to dive into uncomfortable territory.??

You don’t have to use “pickled onion” (unless you really want to). The point is to find a word or phrase that feels lighthearted but meaningful, something that can cut through your fear and create a safe space for honest communication.

Concluding Thoughts

Here’s the thing about anger: it’s not the enemy. Suppressing it is. When we learn to embrace our anger—not as something destructive but as a signal that something needs to change—we take the first step toward true self-respect.??

It’s about speaking up before the pressure builds to a breaking point. It’s about being honest, even when it’s uncomfortable. And it’s about recognising that your feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s.

So, the next time you feel that familiar surge of anger rising up? Don’t bury it. Don’t apologise for it. Instead, listen to it. Because it might just be trying to tell you something important.?

Something Special

If you're going to be part of a raft, this one is legendary! I had an absolutely fabulous time being interviewed by my homeslices Kate Kirwin, Jo Minney, and Ricki Barnes, who have recently launched their Raft of Bitches podcast.

The podcast name comes from the concept of female otters—affectionately nicknamed "bitches"—forming rafts by holding hands to stay connected and safe as they rest. This metaphor beautifully captures how women are incredible supporters of each other, defying outdated narratives of rivalry and celebrating the power of collaboration and connection.

So, in that same spirit, if you could spare just a few seconds to support these amazing women by following their podcast, I promise you’d be a part of something truly special.

???? Hi there! I'm Katherine.

I challenge leaders to take bigger risks by letting go of the imaginary judgement and criticism that holds them back. My talks focus on leading more authentically and wearing our masks a little less, so we can take those scary steps that truly propel our careers and businesses forward—without worrying about looking ‘stupid’ if we fail or mess up.

Want to want my new video and learn more? Head over here!

If this sounds like a topic you might like to explore for your future events—so your audience can drop their acts and make a bigger impact within their professional careers and organisations—I’d love to hear from you. (I’d also love to hear from Chris Hemsworth, but that’s a story for another day).

?? Website - www.drkatherine.com

?? Email - [email protected]