Why my Kid might Ruin Your Kid’s Future Christmas

Author’s Note: This article has zero to do with #sidehustles, #business, #worklifebalance, #toxicworkplaces, #chieftwit or anything remotely trending on LinkedIn.??It is far more controversial than any of those.??Read at your own peril.??You’ve been warned.

Remember a few years ago when Elf on the Shelf was still a thing parents did to fool their kids???Yes, I used the F-word, F-O-O-L.??The first time I saw Elf in “action” I was mystified, but largely ignored it.??I wasn’t a parent, so didn’t understand why anyone would pretend some random too-cheery, tattle-tale elf moved around from place to place in their house every night.??After that, the phenomenon got bigger every year until either moms finally had enough of this exhausting new Yuletide “tradition” or the older kids in the house couldn’t be bribed enough to keep supporting the growing web of lies and deceit.??I suspect a bit of both.??

Now that I’m a parent, I’m thrilled Elf is well on his/her/its/their way to joining aluminum Christmas trees and plastic sofa covers in fad infamy.??I hope you all agree with me that our society is the better for it.??On to a more prolific and long-lived Christmas interloper.

For the first eight Christmases of my life there was no Santa Claus.??That’s right, I had no expectation that a jolly fellow in a floppy hat, white beard and red pajamas was obliged to etch my name on a naughty v. nice list.??In my earliest memories, Christmas Eve celebrations (Noche Buena to those of us in the know) had great food and merriment.??Adults loved it, but the red circle on my calendar was around January 6.??

That’s the day I’d been told that the Tres Reyes Magos, Three Wise Men (actual literal translation, three magic kings), brought little boys and girls presents.??What kid doesn’t love presents???I remember staying up as late as possible (8:18 PM is my self-reported, fact-non-checked personal record) to catch a glimpse of the trio, I never caught it.

Santa didn’t enter my life until we moved to the US and come November everyone around me was talking about reindeer, snow and sleighs.??Those don’t exist where I was born so none of it made any sense.??To me, it all sounded made up.

Pretty soon though I caught on that Santaclós?was the new Tres Reyes Magos and that he dropped off his presents a full 13 days sooner.??I was a smart kid, I could adapt to this new world.??Noche Buena got magically more Buena.??By then though I was too old to?really?believe in ole Saint Nick.??Even so, I played along to keep the winter presents pipeline flowing.??So, you see, I come?by?my Santa-skepticism honestly.??

Now that I have a kid that’s old enough to have a concept of Santa as a potential gift giving entity, I’ve made a fateful decision many parents will scorn.

Santa is not welcome down our chimney or anywhere near our tree.??Do not enter.??Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.??All those presents under the tree come from actual humans who know and love our daughter.??She’ll always be on their nice list.??“From: Santa” simply does not exist in our home.??No elf is going to take credit for the hard work put in by human (truthfully, mostly robotic) fingers to manufacture her presents.??No sir, not on my watch.

And so, I recently shared my, perhaps controversial, stance with another parent at the annual preschool holiday recital.??How did he handle that bomb drop???Let’s just say shock and dismay are easy reads on a human face.??That dude should not play poker.

His primary concern was that by not supporting the current Santa mythology at home, I was unleashing a destructive force.??My sweet, precious, brilliant little darling would inevitably take her radical home schooling to school school.??As soon as she realizes that 1) she’s never gotten any presents from Santa and 2) she’s earned her place on many a nice list, she’ll quickly conclude: 3) wait, there ain’t no such thing as Santa!??How long will it take her chatty little lips to blab that to her school chums???Not long friends, not long at all.

There you have it, my incomplete indoctrination into the cult of Santa is going to turn my kid into a public-school parent’s pariah.??She will be that kid.??You know the one, knows too much and isn’t afraid to tell you so.??And on that day, I’ll never be prouder of her.

Merry Christmas one and all. :-)

PS:??And if you still have an Elf on your shelf, please stop, just stop.