Why my intentions made me cry

If you know anything about me, it’s that my process isn’t linear. Increasingly, however, it is becoming lunar. Bear with me here: while I rang in the new year as everyone else did with much hope for a great future and gratitude for an imperfect past, I didn’t process any of it on?January 1. I was in luck when?January 2nd?rolled around, calling itself a “new moon,” giving me and every other straggler the opportunity to set some intentions a day late but just in time for the big moon energy.?

On one sheet I listed the things I want to quit, learn, have, start, stop, and be. On a separate piece of paper I listed my top 4 goals for each of these categories: personal, spiritual, health, career, adventure, and home. Both lists were essentially the same, just phrased, and framed, a bit differently. There were things like take piano lessons, learn crypto, and take my supplements religiously. All within my control. But not all things are within our control.

As I continued writing my intentions, my hope turned to tears. I remembered the thing I’ve had at the top of my intentions lists for the past 8 years. I’ll give you a hint: it starts with b and rhymes with rabies. I’ve seen countless doctors, been basted like a turkey, hung upside down, had eggs siphoned from my body (5 retrievals, to get 12 on ice, thank you very much), and one pregnancy (yay!) that didn’t even make it to a heartbeat (boo). But hey, at least one stuck.?

But now, at 37, months out of a five-year relationship, what was once difficult now feels impossible. What’s the point of a pipe dream when your pipes are rusted over??

But then we did another, final, exercise: we listed out the things we’re committed to leaving behind. On my list to leave behind? Fear of being alone. We sleep alone, we wake up alone, we’re born and we die alone: so why am I fooling myself into thinking that I need a family to be happy?

And then gratitude set in. Friends. Family. Health. Adventure. A permanent jungle escape (I’ll share more on that in another newsletter). New love (shh). Coffee. Poodles. My life is full.?

This year, my job is to reframe and redefine what personal success means to me, and what my ambitions are beyond work, and beyond trying to push my life into the narrow box I’ve wanted for so long. My job is to?flow. Because, just like my process, life isn’t linear. Wish me luck, and the discipline to let go.?

Sophia