Why Mother's Day May Be Difficult for Some CareGivers

There she was, lying in the hospital bed, recovering from sepsis and kidney failure. As my friend stood there by his ailing mother’s side, a nurse came into the room and told his mom: “It’s wonderful to meet your son.” My friend’s mother immediately snapped back and said: “That’s not my son; that’s my daughter!”

The comment from his mother caused my friend – a transgender male – so much hurt and embarrassment that he called me distraught that night. This dismissal of his identity and misgendering was something my friend, who was the primary CareGiver for his mother, had contended with for a decade. And even though his mother has since passed, it is something that still troubles him today. “I love my mother so much and miss her every day. But her refusal of my trans identity, especially while I sacrificed so much to take care of her, was one of my deepest hurts.”

Mother’s Day – although a holiday that is traditionally thought of as a time we honor and celebrate our mothers with gratitude and love – can be difficult for some. As someone who works with, supports and advocates for CareGivers through my core program, The CareGivers Clique, I have seen this dynamic play out in many ways.?

For my LGBTQ+ friends, it may be because their mother or loved one has never accepted their LGBTQ+ child / CareGiver. Yet that CareGiver still decides to show up and support them. For sandwich generation CareGivers – those taking care of their own children as well as their parents – they may experience CareGiver guilt for even thinking about wanting to celebrate themselves on Mother’s Day. For people taking care of a mother who has dementia, they might have to contend with the loved one being belligerent and not remembering who they are.

So how do we show up to support those CareGivers in our lives who might be having a tough time this Mother’s Day? Here are some tips for inspiration:?

1) Give them the day off. Relieve them of their CareGiving duties for the day. Trust me, they could use a break – even if they pretend they don’t need it. This could be for the whole day, or for an hour if they resist, just so they can have some time for themselves.

2) Give them their "flowers" for Mother's Day. Honor and celebrate them in the ways that they did before they were thrust into CareGiving. Send them some flowers, make them (or DoorDash them) breakfast, call them and let them know just how much you respect what they’re doing and that they’re appreciated.?

3) Give them a shoulder to lean on. If you have a connection to a CareGiver who's dealing with an anti-Queer parent, step up on the regular. This person most likely still loves their parent; but the relationship is complex. Partner with them to figure out another way or, if you’re a family member, share some of the responsibility. Don't standby and watch someone you know who is suffering emotional harm. This is how, person by person, we can support CareGivers who are being negatively impacted.

4) Give them valuable resources for support. Contact the local chapter of the national organization that is dedicated to the condition that relates to the CareGiving the person has to provide. These associations have free resources like financial assistance, medical supplies, respite care for CareGivers who need to work. (For example: Because of the support of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, I was able to get an elevator installed in our home for my mom for $1000. Normally, this necessity – which made life life easier for my mom and for us before she lost the ability to walk in 2005 – would have cost us about $22,000.)

TIP FOR THE SOCIAL WORKER: Mother’s Day might be triggering for your clients for lots of reasons. Make sure to be aware and follow your clients’ lead, be empathetic, and offer therapy and resources, if needed.?

Dawn E. Shedrick, LCSW is a CareGiver advocate, who offers support, lived experience and practical tools to help family CareGivers reduce stress and enhance their mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing. Dawn has been her mother’s primary CareGiver for 25 years and balances this responsibility with her work as a consultant, trainer, therapist and educator in health and human services.?She is on a mission to reshape the narrative of what it means to be a CareGiver, and she is the author of the forthcoming journal,?“Courageous Contemplation: A Guided Journal for Family CareGivers of Chronically Ill, Disabled, and Elderly Loved Ones.”

An engaging speaker and trainer for more than 25 years, Dawn has delivered mental and emotional wellness talks and workshops at GE, Canon, NY Mets, Travelers Insurance, Office Depot, GlaxoSmithKline, JP Morgan Chase and more. In her LinkedIn newsletter, Contemplating CareGiving, she shares insights on how to shift your understanding of the identities and needs of the spectrum of family CareGivers. Learn more at?https://dawnshedrick.com?