Why Mother’s Day (or Father’s Day?)

This Sunday on this side of the world 19th?March is Mother’s Day. Since becoming a mediator and working with people and relationships, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Birthday, and celebrations of any type cause conflict internally and externally.

Apparently, Mother’s Day falls on the 4th?Sunday of lent every year and was conceived as a day to give gratitude and thanks to mother. The idea is simple and lovely.

?But

??????#What if being a mother is a physical impossibility?

??????#What if being a mother is fraught with pain, imposter syndrome, never feeling enough, messing it up, and comparisons with other “Insta” moms?

???????#What if being a mother means it is necessary to look fabulous, get to the yoga/ meditation/running classes, etc,

?????#What if, being a mother means it is necessary (?)to attend the baby massage, baby meditation, and baby yoga class,

??????#What if being a mother means we are back in a size 0 two weeks after giving birth

??????#What if being a mother means it is necessary to have a perfectly clean home?

?????#What if being a mother means it is necessary to be a mindful parent All. The.Time?

??????#Be the perfect partner, mother, and lover,

??????#Work outside of the home/ or from home whilst breastfeeding the newborn (covered modestly of course)

???????#Depending on the age of our own parents, we may also have to parent our parents.

??#What if the child/children who made us mothers died?

??????#What if our mother has died?

??????#What if the relationship with our mothers/children is not what society believes the mother /child relationship should be?

???????#What if as a mother you don’t like your child (adult or not) and what if as an adult child (teenager or younger child) we don’t like our mother?

???????#What if you never wanted to be a mother?

?#What is it we do on March 19th,?2023?

??#Why is it not acceptable to say all of this because of judgment and fear? Fear of not being good enough, fear of not deserving to be a mother, fear of being ridiculed, and in some cases isolated and alienated by others?

?#When did we begin to feel we should be all things to all people- or is that the concept we have taken on as a positive attribute “multi-tasking”? Multi-tasking and striving for perfection are not positive attributes. They are in fact detrimental to our psychological, physical, mental, and emotional health and well-being, They are based on trauma responses of not being good enough and perfectionism.

I have worked with many people who intensely dislike the concept of Mother’s Day.?I am one of them. Some mothers are natural mothers.?I was not/ am not one of them. I do my best, I tried my best, yet somehow my best appears to have fallen short. I am not alone, yet I was so badly ridiculed and judged for saying this out loud.

The issues that arise for separating families in terms of these over-commercialised events- Mother’s Day/Father’s Day/ Christmas/ Holidays/ Birthdays/ Religious celebrations are quicksand for changing families. What happens if access is with the other parent on Mother’s/Father’s Day? I have seen parents use this as a wonderful way to hurt the other parent (of the children you made together) by not allowing them to spend (Mother’s Day with mom as it is Father’s access Day and vice versa) Let us please not forget this not only undermines and hurts the other parent, but it also really hurts the children (you made together).

When the structure of the family changes, this causes pain grief and loss. Do over commercialised celebrations amplify this pain?

Do parents who have lost parents or the children that made them parents no longer deserve to celebrate Mother’s or Father’s Day?

If parents/ children have mental health or addiction issues and relationships are tainted with anger, pity, and dread, can they celebrate Parent’s Day, or is this not acceptable?

If you are a single parent on Mother’s Day and have small children, struggling to keep a roof over your head and food on the table- how do you celebrate Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day) when the time comes round?

And finally, for the parents whose children have been alienated for whatever reasons (acrimonious relationship breakdowns, poor parent/child bonding due to trauma, mental health, addiction, etc.) Do we wallow in what terrible parents we are? Do they design cards for that, or do all cards come with pink roses???

As a mediator with a focus on health and well-being using the communication skills and tools that mediation has given, along with a significant number of years in working with trauma and families, instead of making the concept of “The Best Mother in the World” on one day per year, how about we celebrate the best moments we can share as tiny as they are every day?

I truly believe our relationships will thank us for it!

www.conflictclarity.ie [email protected] +353 876 959 346

Sharon Morrissey MA Conflict Resolution, PGCert Mediation, and Conflict Resolution, Social Studies. Corporation, Workplace, Interpersonal and Family Mediator, Family Support and Parenting Mentor, Counselling, Psychology, Trainer/Lecturer, Collaborative Practitioner, Soc. Science,?Facilitator, and Author.