Why Men & Woman Can’t Communicate Continued. And What To Do About it.
- Women want to talk. Men want peace and quiet.
- A man and woman’s intention behind talking is different.
- Women think out loud.
- Men don’t think out loud and they don't expect us to.
Besides the biggest misconception in a relationship; to think that a man can ever understand a woman there is another fundamental problem.
"Women want to talk
men want peace and quiet."
All the married women I have coached had a burning desire to talk more with their husbands, especially about “feelings”.
And all their husbands just wanted peace and quiet and the last thing they want is to talk about feelings.
Women speak an average of 7,000 words per day while men only speak an average of 3,000 Source: “Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps”.
Women apply 11,500 expressions (sounds, body, and facial signals) to accompany these 7,000 words whereas men only use 2,500 non-word communication expressions.
This means a man can talk and not have any expression at all.
Women use 3.83 expressions per word. Unlike a man, it is inconceivable that a woman utters a word without also expressing sounds and expressions.
Total communication per 24 hours:
Female: 7,000 + 11,500 = 18,500
Male: 3,000 + 2,500 = 5,500
Women just communicate more than men, to be precise 336 % more.
What to do about it
Woman: Stop talking (to your husband). Don't try to make him understand.
Man: Stop listening. But keep looking at her with open eyes. Nod your head and when she is done talking say this and ONLY this. It is my secret make love, not war sentence. That has been tested and proven.
“Hmmm…. I see….… I never thought about it that way...… but when you say it like that
I understand”
What a woman really wants is to be understood by her husband. Since this will never happen because emotions are immoral and no logic truly exists, the only solution is to lie in the name of love.
Man: Do not apply your brain.
Why Women Talk
- Get something “off our mind”
- Feel connected (sharing thoughts and feelings)
- Create a strong relationship
Women love words and men love moving parts. With the exception of words coming at him at rapid speed from his women’s mouth.
To a woman, words are like oxygen. Words are our primary love language. Women talk to feel connected and be in relation to others. We love relations.
Women never forget anything and pay attention to details that seem irrelevant to men and then we talk about them.
A woman has so many things on her mind her motive is always to get something
"off her mind"
A woman simply survives by talking. If she doesn't talk her lit will pop-off because her head is filled with so many thoughts.
Just like a man needs his release, a woman needs to talk to unload and defuse. In a sense, words are our semen. Spreading words and semen was what kept our species alive for a long time.
Women had to spread words about what berries were poison and other information just as important as spreading semen. Being in relations with other humans made us stronger.
Communication and being in a relationship is still something women are uniquely good at.
The spreading of words and semen may not be vital to the survival of our species today. But it is necessary to relieve pressure so we don't go berserk.
In most cases, the woman has to release her's before you can release yours.
Women don't have the same capability to think of nothing as men do. And we long for peace of mind. Hence we attempt to empty our minds by talking.
Had Freud known what was really on a woman's mind he would have named penis envy ”peace of mind envy”.
What Goes On In A Woman’s Mind. And Why she is so Emotional.
In “moderate stress” the female brain has 8 times more blood flow than males to the emotional part of the brain.
In daily life (with no hazards) females have way more activity in the emotional part of the brain and are more managed by emotions. Women think through feelings and relate everything to feelings and process more emotions than men.
Women are stressed easier compared to men in day to day situations because we see more problems and think more:
“Did Tom do his homework? And what should he wear tomorrow at school? Tom can’t wear that shirt again. Did I do the laundry because he spilled on his shirt? Oh, and what should we eat for dinner? Did I forget to buy more bread for their pack-lunch..? Ohh and what about the 10 am snack “
A lot more stress and perceived danger are required to start pumping blood into the male brain.
Like when his wife starts a sentence with…..
“I feel….” (= DANGER)
Now the man is stressed. All the alarm buttons in his brain go off. Danger. Danger. Danger.
What To Do About it
Man: Relax just use the make love sentence and DO NOT try to make sense of it.
Woman: Stop explaining how you feel and stop thinking out loud.
Why Women Think More. And men are Quality Thinkers.
- Women’s brain can’t delete excess information
- Men don’t care about what the kids wear at school
- Women are on a constant chase for more mom creds (or relief from mom guilt)
Married women with children seem to put way more stress on themselves and care too much about what others think. And they get frustrated to see their husbands not carrying some of this stress. In reality, we envy this quality in you to not give bib. We know we lack it.
“A woman’s brain is a huge hard disk where no information is deleted.
Men are more efficient; they throw away everything they don’t need. And they don’t need as much as women.”
Women think constantly. A man only thinks when he has to.
When the male brain is in a rest state (boredom) it has barely any activity, just enough to breathe and digest the color blue in brain scans. Half of the female brain when in rest state has primary blood flow (yellow and orange).
Women can talk and listen at the same time. And we think and talk at the same time.
The man thinks and when he is done thinking he talks or acts.
He thinks in order to solve a problem and forget about it. He solves one problem at a time and does not think about it again. Unless his wife mentions it and he has to be reminded because he deleted it.
Women make a million intermediate conclusions and change is a permanent feature. Everything is open to debate and day-to-day (small) task efficiency:
“When I take Tom to soccer practice I can quickly go shopping for dinner, while he changes, wait did I remember to pack his clean socks, and when I am shopping for dinner tonight and I can get that soup which is fairly nutritious and done in 15 min. for tomorrow when Cindy gets home late from swim class. Did she wash her hair? Note to self: remember to pack her shampoo. If I go Lidl I can get that yogurt the kids love for the 10 am snack”.
The motivation behind everything women do and think is a desperate need for mom creds. Everything we do is rooted in wanting relief from constant mommy guilt or fear of judgment.
Mothers wake up and fail five times before breakfast.
Because we feel like such a failure at our prime function we have desperate need to feel successful for just 5 min.
We constantly feel judged, because we judge ourselves. So we use our brain capacity on what the kids wear to school and if they have the proper lunch box and wear matching socks. Because we view the kids through other mothers’ eyes and we fear the judgment.
In this area, we are not as smart as men.
Women think more than men because we worry about minor things like if their little hands are cold in wintertime and buying new mittens.
Deep down we know all our thinking is in vain and we envy our husband.
My husband never checks their lunchbox or thinks about if they have mittens or their hats during winter. And there is no reason to expect the fact that I feel bad if they don’t. The kids themselves don't seem to care.
I don’t know of any man who worries an entire day if his kid’s hands are cold and deep down worry that others’ dads might be looking at Toms’s little cold hands thinking “OMG Tom has such a bad father”.
The one time my husband asked me my favorite question:
“honey what are you thinking about”
I was so happy, I talked for 20 min straight. He never asked me again.
When a woman shares what is on her mind you get a snapshot of a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings with no conclusion or end to it.
As soon as she has said it out loud it creates space for something new to enter her mind. When the new stuff enters her mind, the same matter she just talked about, is all different and that confuses her husband.
A woman’s mind is never empty.
A man’s motive for thinking and speaking is entirely different from the woman. What the kids should wear and what they eat is not a problem in his mind. Hence he gives it no thought.
Remember he is an efficient thinker.
What women really really want is just for her man to know what it is liked to be trapped in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions chasing each other’s tails. To be understood because we know we act crazy sometimes. We are defending ourselves when we are explaining ourselves.
Why Men Don’t Talk
- Fear of being told they are wrong
- Memories of constantly being told they are wrong by their mother
- Don't understand women or what we want
Men long to hear “you are right” just as much as women, but don’t care as much as being understood.
Boys will go “can you do this” to their friends and climb a star handle or whatever is close by and swing around it and ask again "and can you do this?"
Men are competitive they just want to win (not get killed) and then their brain goes to sleep.
When the man falls asleep after a successful day of not getting killed, the woman keeps thinking and finds a trillion new things to think and thus talk about. When the man wakes up the talking starts all over. Unless of course, they made a whole lot of love and she can finally rest and not think.
"Men don’t use the right side of the brain for language at all, only spatial mechanisms. Women use both the right and left side for language. "
Female strength is sympathy, empathy, listening, articulating, and communication which creates and sustains mirror neurons.
When women speak their brains have substantially more blood flow than the male brain. Source: Gurian institute.
The man can not compete or get a word in.
Men are way more competitive than women, so naturally, he doesn't like to lose.
So, why say something? He can’t compete.
Apart from this fact, women have been telling men they are wrong since they were boys. Because the male brain is different and schools are made for the female brain. Mothers don't get their boys so they directly or indirectly say to their boys they are wrong.
I do this when my boys run over and hit me just to say “hello I missed you mom” I automatically shout “Aw! Stop hitting me”.
To my boys, it is a natural thing to do, in science its referred to as aggressive compassion. Many studies have shown that it is how boys show affection.
When men say what is one their mind they most likely get “told off” by women. It brings the man right back to being misunderstood and told off by his mom. So he doesn’t talk.
When men share their feelings with men they may be ridiculed and also feel wrong.
Men speak and think with the purpose of solving problems not creating new ones. Which is why he might choose not to say anything after he has thought about it.
What To Do About It
Woman: Give your man some space. Trust. Give what is love to him: silence and ... When he does open up and talk: Never interrupt. No matter how stupid you think it is don't get mad at him for what he is saying. Just be happy he is talking.
Man: Practise opening up and forgive your woman when she interrupts and makes you feel wrong. She doesn't mean to.
