Why men suffer in silence

This week is mental health awareness week and I want to take this opportunity to talk about men and vulnerability. I don’t want to make this post into a call to men to be more vulnerable, because I know it’s futile. Not because men are unwilling, I think, but because they conceive serious threat and danger in opening up.

Men are consistently pushed into a certain mold. They are expected to protect, provide and be a stable pillar of the family or the community and I think these are in themselves good expectations. Yet at the same time men are being spoon fed drivel telling them that their opinions and feelings do not matter. Their sole purpose is to meet expectations, yet they don’t necessarily get much in return. They are basically expected to be a machine and push down any negative emotions they experience. Their emotions are a redundant ballast, not to be taken into account and their existence often categorically denied.

This toxic stance towards men’s emotions is not something that is solely seen in abusive relationships. In my experience it resonates through sex relations across society and is exacerbated mostly by the way that women treat men in my opinion. What is often stressed, unjustly so, is that men create an atmosphere among each other where they set certain macho expectations for its male members. While this may be the case, I think this is rather a symptom of an underlying problem that I am trying to get at. Machismo is often described as a display of masculine power, while to me it’s much more a display of a lack of sexual power over women and trying to compensate for that. I am not denying that this compensative behavior may have dire consequences, because it absolutely does. But in order to understand a problem you have to get to the root of it. Not just to understand machismo, but for me more importantly why men, and men who are or have been abused, end their lives at such a staggering rate. It’s important to me, because I can relate. I start to understand more and more why some men might decide to just end it all because they feel isolated, misunderstood and ridiculed after experiencing abuse.

Of course, this fatalistic feeling is strengthened when negative feelings are piled up through abuse. But also for those men who simply don’t see a way out of whatever negative spiral they’re experiencing, suicide becomes a serious threat. Simply said, when you experience negative feelings and you can’t let them out for whatever reason, this negativity simply piles up in a negative feedback loop. Many men have become proficient in carrying around a mask showing the rest of the world everything is fine with them when all of a sudden they decide to take the most radical decision they could possibly make. Close relatives and friends afterwards come out saying: “he was such a happy guy, I had no idea” or something in the same vein. Nobody has any idea about the downward spiral their son, brother or friend was going through and perhaps they never will. With those left behind in confusion, this boy or man becomes just another sad statistic.

So what can anyone do about it? I think a key role here is for women. Let me tell you why I think so. Men, and I don’t mean all men, tend to trust only a small group or just one single person with their deepest emotions. Often this is their girlfriend/wife. And yes, I am assuming a heterosexual relationship here. Not because I mean to be normative, but simply because the majority of relationships consist of this particular make-up: a man and a woman. I also think you can see it in more abstract terms, because I do think my theory is inclusive for that matter: a masculine woman might have the same tendency to only trust a single person with their deepest and negative emotions too. A man who has more feminine characteristics, which I think I tend towards, might feel more comfortable, or may even feel compelled, to share their negative emotions with more people in their social circle.

All of this sharing and being vulnerable is goal-oriented, namely to find resonance, understanding and consolation. If instead vulnerability is met with stonewalling and/or is taken personally and/or is interpreted as a failure to meet the expectation of being able to provide and create stability in the household or social circle, a man will shut down communication, internalize the negativity and put on a permanent mask that doesn’t fit.

In short, men can meet the expectations of being what we stereotypically regard as positive masculine treats and be vulnerable as well. In my opinion it’s even essential for a man to be able to be vulnerable to retain his balance and his positive masculine treats. Of course, men in and out of relationships, also have a responsibility in getting this particular type of conversation going among their spouse, friends and family.

What I would like you to take from this article if you’re a man, is that you allow yourself to be surprised by those around you. You need to take a leap of faith and you might not necessarily get the response you hoped for or expected initially, but be patient. Also don’t be afraid to express what you expect from someone else when you are vulnerable. Those around you are there for a reason and if they truly love you, they will do their best to overcome their fear of you not being able to provide and protect.

What I would like you to take from this article if you’re a woman, is that you don’t mistake a men’s vulnerability as a threat to the relationship or as a personal attack. I know I have gone over a lot in a relatively short text which doesn’t make this the most nuanced piece ever written, but regardless of the sex that you have, I appeal to your empathy and hope that you understand what I am trying to get to here.