Why Leaders Struggle to Inspire and What to Do About It...

Welcome to the 75th edition of Leading with Empathy, so glad you are with us here. This edition I want to explore the Empathy Gap, why it is so common and what we can do about it.

I also share some simple tips and a great resource I think you'll find really useful! Enjoy.

The 5 C's that widen the Empathy Gap

Do you have a work mode too? My darling wife used to very regularly remind me that when I was at home, I needed to get out of work mode and stop being overly clinical or analytical, a habit that is all too natural for me sadly.

My work mode is very useful for understanding complex systems, solving problems and focusing on specific pieces of work. However, it is also when I tend to dial back my curiosity, see everything as pieces of a puzzle and, unfortunately, fail to have much empathy for other people. I understand that I’m not alone in this. Many people can become clinical and almost dismissive when deep in focused work. In fact sometimes it is exactly what is needed to get stuff done!

Where it fails me, and those around me, is when this work mode shows up in a place where empathy, understanding and connection matter. At home with family and friends might be obvious, but what about at work with colleagues. In meetings with clients. Meeting strangers at a conference or event. Work mode’s cold and clinical nature hampers my skills and destroys my effectiveness. It isn’t something I do intentionally, but the damage is clear and apparent.?

For me, the amount of empathy I have naturally for others depends directly on 5 Big Factors:?

• COGNITION: What am I focused on right now? When I am deep in mental deliberation about a specific topic or activity, I am rarely able to effectively consider the state of other people. I have to work to step out of this.
• CONNECTION: What is my relationship with the person? When my wife or daughter needs my attention, I focus on them (most of the time). But for a complete stranger, I might be less empathic and need to work harder to care about them.
• CONTEXT: Do I see their issues as contextually important? We all like to think we are wonderfully compassionate beings, but sometimes the things other people are consumed with are merely trivial to us. At times we need to hold our judgement of the situation.
• CAPABILITY: Can I realistically be of any help to them? Another that I often feel is the helplessness of somewhat understanding the situation of another but feeling paralysis due to a lack of knowing how to help. I avoid the understanding based on a feeling off helplessness.
• CAPACITY: Do I have the mental and emotional capacity right now? Even if I care, see the issue as important, and have the capability to empathise, sometimes I simply don’t have the energy. Stress, exhaustion or overwhelm can block my ability to be present and empathic. This is why self-care and boundaries matter—if I’m depleted, my capacity for empathy is limited.

When we experience any of these 5 C’s, it is easy to point at our natural lack of empathy as the problem. We pass judgement on our inability to meet some mythical benchmark and tell ourselves a story that we are “just not naturally empathic”. It is a useful story and one I have seen many leaders tell themselves over and over, desperately looking to avoid the underlying critical need. We must put in the work to build empathy and the work will bring reward.

As you can see in the 5 C’s, each has a clear catalyst for the behaviour and each has a path to move through and avoid the pitfalls. The challenge is not if we are naturally empathic or not, it is whether we are willing to follow these three simple steps:

1. Heed the Indicators

When you fall victim to any of the 5 C’s, you are at risk of not only failing to build stronger, more trusting relationships, but also at risk of harming existing ones. Look for the signs in your own behaviour, what are the factors you can notice that will signal you might be opening the empathy gap wider.

A great support for this is external feedback. For me, the brilliant honesty of Miranda Murray works wonders when we are together. At conferences and events, I regularly ask myself whose names I can remember to check in with how well I’m connecting in conversations. I try to focus on the questions to comments ratio… am I interested in them or talking at them (another of my flaws revealed).?

2. Diagnose the Driver

Being empathic all the time is exhausting and I don’t want you to try this, but when the empathy gap has opened wide and it is hindering you, look for the reasons why. Is it because you are too focused or are you just exhausted? Understanding the driver is so important because you can’t easily substitute one thing for another.

By this I mean, if you feel depleted of energy, just trying to help more might not be useful. You may need to apologise, take leave and fill your cup first. If you are legitimately consumed by a pressing issue, now might not be the best time to build connection and relationships. I shudder to think of how many people might have thought I was a complete jerk because I tried to network while completely stressed about a project or piece of work.?

In my experience, the biggest single driver of the empathy gap is the feeling of being to busy. Being busy, which usually involves doing lots of work that we don’t see as critically important or purposeful, is a sure way to trigger a number of the C’s. It steals your attention, reshapes your context, reduces your capabilities to help and depletes your capacity. Kill the busyness and create room for connection.?

Find the driver that is causing the problem and look at ways to remedy this first. If you are perpetually in a C-state… you might need quite the overhaul to build deeper more empathic relationships. So do the work there first.

3. Engage in Conscious Curiosity

In order to truly understand other people and develop a basis for trust, we need to be able to first suspend our assumptions, chaos and noise in our minds. We need to pause the hamster on his little wheel and find some blank space with which to soak in the world of another. This what I mean by becoming consciously curious: acknowledging that we have a head full of beliefs, assumptions, priorities, goals and concerns, and simultaneously committing not to press pause to search for understanding in another

This is one of the skills I spend a lot of time working with leaders and teams on. Whether in the bustle of corporate finance, the dusty mining camps of Port Hedland or with school principals juggling the tensions across a variety of stakeholders, the ability to become consciously curious, openly explore and seek deeper understanding is vital to build the connections, trust and commitment they each seek to drive results.

The time we take to build understanding is an investment of our most precious resource: our attention.

Often people say it is time, but today we spend a lot of time with people and completely ignore them at the same time. I don’t think it is just time that closes the empathy gap, it is giving our attention. Being consciously curious and investing in the relationships we want to grow.

To be human is to be flawed and we will never be perfect. The Empathy Gap isn't just a challenge for you; it's a leadership challenge for us all. When we fail to close the gap, we lose influence, weaken relationships, and miss opportunities for real impact.?

But the good news? Empathy isn’t a fixed trait—it’s a skill that can be developed, practised, and embedded into leadership.

This is exactly what I help leaders and teams do.

?? Want to help your leaders close their Empathy Gap and build stronger, more connected teams?

?? Looking for a keynote or workshop that gives practical strategies to drive real leadership impact?

Let’s talk. I work with organisations across industries to help leaders bridge the Empathy Gap, build trust, and drive performance.

?? Message me or visitdanielmurray.au to explore how I can help.

Want an eBook to explore further?

We now have a collection of eBooks you can download full of thought leadership, expert tips and practical exercises you can implement to help #leadingwithempathy.

Check them out here: eBooks Empathic Consulting

That's all from me this week, keep leading with empathy and reach out if I can help.

Stay curious,

Daniel