Why leaders need to tame their advice monster!

Recently I had the pleasure of working with Gold Scholars from the University of Bath. Young, bright, and very talented individuals whom will no doubt be great leaders of the future.

These individuals are about to make that important step from campus to corporate and enter the world of work.

I found their curiosity, interest, and appetite to learn inspiring and energising. However, sadly I noticed that all of them wanted to give advice in conversations with each other. Something that I expect I would find across most students.

Is this their fault? No of course not. Is this an issue within the education system they progress through, maybe.?

What I am clear about, because I experience it every day when working with current leaders, is that as they enter the world of work, many will enter a culture where advice and telling people what to do is the leadership norm.?

Sadly, they will enter a world where they will continue to be programmed to give great answers rather than listen to understand and ask great questions.

And I say continue to be programmed because all of them, like all of us, have had some form of parenting as a child, where our parents or guardians would have told us what to do and then when we enter the educational system our teachers will tell us what to do and then when we enter the workplace our managers tell us what to do and the programming of being told what to do is reinforced.

So, no surprise that as a society we are creating human ‘machines’ that wait to be told what to do and believe that this is the way to line manage i.e. tell others what to do when they are in a position of authority.

This frightens me. The world has changed, and this way of leading is becoming impotent, but the ‘system’ (childhood, education, workplace) continues to programme and reinforce these ways of leading.

With the changing world of work, 5 generations now within the workplace and a demographic drought emerging these ways of working will not provide sustainable behaviours for leaders or those they lead.

So how do we create an approach fit for the future??

Educate parents, maybe. Change our education system, maybe one student at a time, and this is our ambition with the Gold Scholars at Bath University. Help organisations to identify this issue earlier and help them to implement leadership development at an earlier stage, we are working on this.

It is certainly a challenge that we face when working with current leaders within many organisations. They like to give advice as the default, they have been programmed to do so. And we have an opportunity to make a difference here.

We know that the urge to give advice stops us from listening effectively to the other person, as we are too absorbed in our own ‘advisory’ thoughts. This means we are not listening to the root of the person’s situation and our advice is misinterpreting their reality.

In ‘adviser’ mode, we try to join the dots for the other person, to think for them, and then we give advice mostly based on our assumptions and personal experience, our world not theirs.?

It is ineffective, and frustrating for the other person, it prevents them from thinking for themselves. In short, giving advice is nearly always not the best approach, and a habit all leaders need to control and refine.

In his excellent book, The Advice Trap, author Michael Stanier, looks closely at the habit of giving advice – why we are so tempted to do it, and how we can begin to change our behaviours to stay curious, listen more and appreciate the other person as a fully capable and responsible individual in resolving their own challenges without our help or advice.

Stanier identifies three personas of the Advice Monster – Tell It, Save It and Control It.

Tell It?persona needs to show up as clever, authoritative and thinks it knows best. If Tell It does not step in and save the day, no one will. Tell It must have the answer.

The?Save It?persona shows up as helpful, trying hard, and likes to be seen as the most responsible person around. If Save It does not rescue everyone, it will all fall apart. Save It must be responsible for everything.

The?Control It?persona likes to hold all the reins, not to share power and to stay in charge. They can be strong and manipulative, If Control It does not stay on top of everything, we will all fail. Control It must stay in control.

You may identify with one or even more of these three core personas, and you will notice that they all share the same profound belief – that THEY are better than the other person. Some may call this ego, and sadly we all have it, but must learn to control it.

Stanier makes the powerful point that these Advice Monster personas, which we all exhibit to some degree, completely disempower the other person – when the Advice Monster comes upon us, then we see others as less clever, less responsible, less competent, less courageous, less trustworthy etc.?

The Advice Monster takes a position that those I am talking to are not good enough to get to the answer themselves so I must take up the slack for them. In Stanier’s words how unsustainable, how unscalable, how exhausting for you and how disempowering for them.

This expresses the true cost and downside of giving advice and it is why current and future leaders must tame their Advice Monster. Once tamed, then as leaders, we have the power of choice of when and if to offer advice to others, and almost invariably, the choice will be not to offer advice, but to listen and ask great questions that ignite thinking, raise awareness and build confidence within the individual that they do know the answer.

So how do you tame your Advice monster?

Here are four steps towards taming the Advice Monster:

1. Notice and understand what triggers your Advice Monster persona into action
2. Become aware of the behaviours that show up when your Advice Monster is triggered
3. Appreciate the short-term pay-off of these behaviours and what are they costing you in the longer term
4. Be clear on the long-term benefits of becoming the Future You and embedding new habits

To achieve these steps effectively leaders must be more human-centric by being Empathetic (really appreciating what is real for the other person), Present (awareness of the situation that allows responsiveness rather than reactivity) and Appreciative, which is about fully appreciating and acknowledging your own strengths (and weaknesses) and wisdom, as well as acknowledging and appreciating the wisdom and brilliance of others.

By developing these behaviours along with being curious, vulnerable, and fascinated by other people and their capability to solve their own issues without help or advice from us then we will start to build leaders fit for the future; leaders that naturally hold powerful and engaging relationships that allow for conversations that sparkle with energy, creativity, and insight.

In line with our purpose of coaching for a better tomorrow, this is the crusade we are on. If you would like to discuss how we can facilitate this style of leadership within your organisation then please do get in touch.