Why Leader’s Avoid Difficult Conversations

One of the biggest challenges for leaders is having difficult conversations. The end result of this avoidance includes a negative workplace culture, turnover, and a severe drop in employee morale. To make the point: Suppose a director avoids a performance issue with a poor performer who is also a complainer. The leader who avoids, uses a temporary solution by moving the ineffective employee to another department with different people. Nothing has changed except that the leader has put her head in the sand and now feels better.

The first reason difficult conversations are avoided is that the leader is not completely clear on what he wants. In my consulting practice I ask this question time and time again and the answer is almost always the same. Let me show you how it plays out:?

SCENARIO 1?

Question: What needs to happen that is not happening?

Leader: I’m not sure. They just aren’t performing up to standard.

Question: What specifically would increase their performance?

Leader: I don’t know.?

SCENARIO 2?

Question: What is happening that should not be happening?

Leader: They are not using their down time effectively.

Question: What do you want them to be doing with their down time that they are not doing now?

Leader: I don’t know.

Question: Do you have a list of things you want accomplished that is not being accomplished?

Leader: No.?

I could go on and on, but hopefully you get the picture. Until you know what is happening that should not be happening, or until you are clear about what you want that you are not getting you don’t really have a way to strategically communicate your desires.?

In effect leaders complain too, it’s just more subtle and more difficult to identify. So, the first reason a leader avoids a difficult conversation is because of a lack of clarity.?

Action Steps?

1. Define what is not happening that needs to happen.
2. Define what should not be happening that is happening.
3. Document how long this has been going on.
4. Document how many other employees have the same issue.
5. Determine whether the issue is one of training and skills or is it lack of understanding or willful disobedience.?

The second reason leaders avoid difficult conversations is because they have let the problem go on too long and they don’t want to admit the part they played in the problem.?

For example you’ve been unhappy with a performance issue for three months. Why didn’t you address it in the first week? It was the busy season. Then why didn’t you address it the second week? They were going through a tough time at home. How about addressing it the third week? It was the company picnic week. Although I agree that timing is everything, more often than not, timing turns into justifications, which leads to bigger problems.?

Now the person has tenure, seniority, union protection, politics, or whatever the shark seems to be keeping you from addressing the issue.?

A way to know if you or one of your managers under you has let something go on for too long is when you hear the complaints. If someone is complaining then something hasn’t been addressed. This is as true for managers as it is for employees.?

Recently I was coaching a supervisor at a retreat. The supervisor was complaining about one of her poor performers. Here’s how the conversation went:?

Me: Have you trained her? Supervisor: Yes!

Me: Have you corrected her? Supervisor: I’ve tried that.

Me: Have you given her coaching? Supervisor: I’ve already done that.?

Me: Why are you letting her stay with you??Supervisor: Well, she’s really pretty good, and she is always on time.

Me: So is she an effective employee or not? Supervisor: Well, she is but she keeps making the same mistakes.?

OK, so now we are in to a game of ping pong. Back and forth, back and forth we go. This supervisor was clear about what she wanted, but she apparently had let the situation go on too long and thus avoided the difficult conversation that might have included a training initiative, a period of time to get up to par or be dismissed. Our conversation continued:?

Me: There are only three choices. If she’s good enough, get off of her back and accept her minor flaws. The second choice is to mentor her, coach her or send her through training and testing again. The third choice is to let her go.?

Action Steps?

1. Own the part of the problem you played in the performance issue.
2. Talk privately with the employee and admit your part.
3. Get a plan of action for course correction.?

The third reason is they don’t trust.?

Trust is a big issue with leaders. They don’t trust their employees to do what is expected. They don’t expect their employees to do it right. They don’t trust their employees to ….well, I could go on and on. The reality is they do not trust themselves.?

They do not trust themselves to: –deliver bad news –manage their temper –say it the right way –honor their boundaries?

Trust is a bigger issue than there is space to discuss on this short post, but let me reiterate by saying, the number one person you must trust is yourself.?

Let me give you a very short list where I see leadership flaws when it comes to self-mastery and trust:?

1. No boundaries
2. Lack of follow through
3. Telling people what they want to hear to get immediate results
4. Using a band aid and temporary solutions (Short term thinking versus long term results)
5. Making promises that are not kept?

We are all interdependent and we have to learn how to delegate and trust others, but you will never never never be able to do this if you don’t first trust yourself.?

Action Steps?

1. Ask your employees to do a secret ballot to tell you how they view your trustworthiness.
2. Using the checklist above, keep track for two weeks to see what areas you are challenged in.?

The fourth reason leaders avoid difficult conversations is that they just don’t know how. In the past, the conversation turned into a game of ping-pong.?

Employee: That’s not fair. Leader: Well, it is fair based on the new policy.

Employee: Last week Sally did it the old way. Leader: What did Sally do?

Employee: Blah blah blah?

You just got roped into a game of ping pong at best. The temporary fix: You felt better for a moment and the employee went away singing Kum-ba-ya, but had no idea about how to improve and no real intention to course-correct, after all, she knows she can get by with it again based on past history. At worst you lost your temper, or the employee had a meltdown, someone got fired, or someone decided to quit.?

There is a technique and a method to having difficult conversations. This is part of what is offered in my consulting and training, so if you need help with this, please contact me direct ([email protected]), however let me give you some of the basics.?

Action Steps?

1. Get clear on your intended outcome.
2. Clear up any resentment, or hidden motives you might have.
3. Own any part that belongs to you including your avoidance. This will soften the dialogue.
4. Stick to the facts and void story-telling, finger-pointing or complaining.
5. Ask for what you want.
6. Give the resources to help the employee be successful.
7. Set a date to measure, give feedback and take next steps?

The fifth reason leaders avoid difficult conversations is because they simply aren’t willing. Not willing to do what you ask? Glad you asked! They are unwilling to be uncomfortable and they are unwilling to be wrong.?

When I talk with leaders about difficult conversations I often hear a re-occurring theme that goes like this: “I tried to set a boundary, but they didn’t hear me.”?

The reason a boundary doesn’t work is because after you set the boundary, the employee pouts, or manipulates, and then you shift your direction to go to the island called, “Making sure Sally understands.”?

In other words, the leader is more committed to being liked and understood than to keep the boundary. It’s uncomfortable to make a decision when you are misunderstood or when it means that the person will not like you because of your decision. It’s also uncomfortable to come back and actually enforce a boundary.?

Leaders are also unwilling to be wrong. We often think that it’s just employees who complain and blame, but I see a fair share of leaders who continue to think the problem belongs to everyone else. Until you are willing to see the tiny part you played in the problem, you really?have no power at all. You can fire, you can hire, you can scream and yell, but in the end you really can’t change anyone but yourself.?

Action Steps?

1. Make a list of the times you avoid a conversation because of your fear of discomfort.?
2. Ask yourself if your higher commitment is to “being right” or to being excellent.?

Learning how to have a difficult conversation that produces positive results is a product of enlightened leadership. You must be clear about what you want, address the problem immediately, trust yourself, practice the skills and be willing to be wrong at times. The need to be right feeds the ego, but the willingness to be wrong changes a culture.?

Marlene Chism is a consultant, international speaker and the author of?"Stop Workplace Drama " (Wiley 2011), "No-Drama Leadership " (Bibliomotion 2015) and?"7 Ways to Stop Drama in Your Healthcare Practice " (Greenbranch 2018).?Download "The Bottom Line: How Executive Conversations Drive Results ." Connect with Marlene Chism at?MarleneChism.com.