Why Keeping Busy to Avoid Relationship Problems or Pain Doesn’t Help

When people go through a breakup, get divorced the advice given is often to "Keep Busy" but this can do more harm than good!

If you are having relationship problems or are going through a painful breakup and are trying to keep yourself as busy as possible, you are not alone. Many in my 6 month coaching programs share how they have kept themselves busy but they have not felt better over time. Reflection is important to heal and this article helps support those who have adopted a "keeping busy" strategy and find they are still struggling.

Keeping busy can take many forms. For some this is eating for hours and using food to fill a void.  Anne I worked with after her divorce developed a habit of working until 9pm and then ordering large take aways and "numbing" out on social media until 1am or 2am. Then a full 12 hour day, followed by more of the same.She felt empty, lonely and bored and used work and food to distract herself from these feelings, rather than deal with them. .

Another lady I worked with became addicted to fitness (mainly running and aerobics) to cope with her broken marriage, she exhausted herself on a daily basis to escape time at home and so she could use the tiredness as an excuse to go to bed alone. 

Then there is a couple I worked with. Who lived parallel lives on different time zones. They couldn't stand being around each other, so she would get up early sort the children, take them to school, work, come home and then put her children to bed at 9pm and go to bed with them. He on the other hand, got up late, went home after work around 9pm and then stayed up until late on his laptop. They kept busy to avoid each other and the hostility growing stronger between them. What they hadn't realized is that when you burying your feelings, issues and thoughts, by pushing them down you are harming your self. It takes energy to lie to yourself and holding it in the body is unhealthy.

Lastly let me mention Ed. Ed’s marriage ended a year ago, so he got a new job and moved country. In his demanding profession long hours are the norm and client entertainment is all part and parcel of the job. When he was married he only went out drinking occasionally, but lately it was rare for him not to be at some bar or restaurant.   On the nights he did have in, he would collapse in front of the TV until he fell asleep. Keeping busy was his way of coping, one day at lunch he saw a post I wrote that said: “Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?” yes, he thought and sent me a message.  

Ed wasn’t particularly liking the drinking and or work events, but at the same time he didn’t have a problem with it. “I am just getting on with life Nicola” he said. But he had a realization when we were talking…

That in fact, the opposite was true. He wasn’t getting on with his life at all, as this lifestyle was not the life that he wanted. He was also still carrying a lot of resentment and anger. I asked him to list out everything that enters his mind when he has space to reflect and isn’t drinking. This is what came up for him: “How could this happen to me?” “Why didn’t I see it coming? “How could she do this to me?” “How can I choose better next time?” “Do I even want a next time?”

To live in fear is to live under a black cloud. It won’t go away, and whilst you can distract yourself from it you only prolonging the healing process. Key is to face fear head on, listen to it and address it.

His anger, pain and regrets were keeping him trapped in the past, unable to move forward. But without freedom from the past, we stay stuck in our stuff. Distractions don’t work in healing.

Alcohol, medication and other substances, hit the pause button on our problems. When we wake up the issues are there, it acts only as a temporarily relief. Things can also seem much worse if we are dehydrated ad tired.

So what is the point in me sharing all these stories?

Well the point is keeping busy doesn't help us. We think it helps us because it can distract us from our problems and pain temporarily. But in order to truly move forward we need time to think, to relax, to heal, gain clarity and perspective.

His thoughts and questions were a sign he needed closure and answers from the past, keeping busy was not the answer. Reflecting back and discussing it together, enabled him to learn from his past and stop these nagging questions.

These stories resonated with me, as years ago I fell into the same trap. The trap of thinking, that all I needed to do to move forward was to keep busy by working hard and working out. Then I had an awakening moment and became aware of the stuff I was hiding from.

In order to deal with a broken relationship or heart you need to acknowledge, accept and deal with your feelings. All my programs are designed to do just that. Here are some suggestions for you.

 Relaxation and Reflection is key.

Whether you’re having relationship problems or separated and give yourself space you cannot help but reflect and review your relationship. Reflection can be a key part to healing and making changes to your life or relationship. You can move on if you learn from it and use the learnings to create a new beginning. Use the past to define what you want your future to look like and take action.

When reflecting remain open minded and generate positive thoughts about every aspect of your life and embrace “good” energy from the lessons learned. I'm not suggesting to ignore the negative thoughts that are guaranteed to announce their existence, but rather defeat them with positive thinking and positive energy. Negative thoughts related to your situation can't harm or destroy you unless you allow them overcome you.

 Train your mind to allow emotions to pass through. Don't attach meaning to negative thoughts but instead use them as a learning tool for what should or shouldn't be done in the future. Believe it or not negative thoughts can have benefits.

 One of the benefits of negative thoughts is the ability to harness the negative information and make changes in your future.

 Another could be to share the lessons with others who may be facing the same marital/ divorce challenges. Sometimes helping others can make the process of healing more effective. Sharing with a coach or someone close also provides an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself and identify your persona in a relationship.

 Once you clear your mind of this negative energy you can make room for positive thoughts to grow and develop. Positive thoughts are contagious and can spring into action building blocks for your future goals and experiences.

 As always I hope this message may be useful in some way. Knowing for me that my life ONLY got better after I STOPPED and gave myself the gift of relaxing and reflecting, I hope you may be able to do the same if you need too.

 If you do find yourself stuck in the past and are open to finding out more about working with me, hit reply and let’s set up a time to chat.

 From my heart to yours Nicola

P.S Want further free support? Get my e-books - available to you at no charge

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Marriage Support         “7 Secrets to Save Your Relationship”

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Children of Divorce       “Protect Children Through Divorce, Avoid the 3 Most Common Pitfalls most Parents Make”

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