Why I've Come Out of the Asperger's Closet Today

Today is World Autism Awareness Day, and this month is National Autism Awareness Month. It was a little over a year ago that I was diagnosed by my psychologist with Asperger's Syndrome. Asperger's, as you might know, is considered a developmental disorder on the autism spectrum. A high-functioning disorder, but a disorder nonetheless. One of the factors which distinguishes Asperger's from other forms of autism is the "absence of language delays," as the Autism Society puts it. In fact, people with Asperger's often possess above-average linguistic, technical, and intellectual abilities.

Individuals with Asperger's tend to think and behave differently than so-called "neurotypical" (NT) people. This can be especially noticeable on the job - particularly in the fields of engineering and software development, which is my chosen career arena. In one way, it can be a benefit: as a group, we tend to excel in scientific and engineering fields. But at the same time, we can be ultra-focused - sometimes to a fault - on the technical minutiae of a project. We can become emotionally attached to the work artifacts we produce and find it hard to break away from what we feel is the "right" way to design something. And probably most notably, we often find ourselves misreading organizational and social cues, leading us to say or do the wrong thing at the wrong time - sometimes to the detriment of our career and of our relationships with our former and current co-workers and superiors.

Barbara A. Bissonnette, writing for the Asperger/Autism Network, explains this challenge in an expressly salient way:

When a person with Asperger Syndrome (AS) becomes an employee in a neurotypical (NT) workplace, things do not always go smoothly. The employee with AS may not be aware of the unwritten social rules or expected behaviors for the workplace, and may behave in ways that surprise or dismay his or her neurotypical supervisor or co-workers. Sensory and executive function issues may also complicate the ability of the person with AS to adapt successfully to the demands of the workplace.

But this is just the beginning. The apparent invisibility of the condition often prevents those around us from appreciating and empathizing with our struggles, as Bissonnette further explains:

Then, as if the social, communication and organizational challenges of the typical workplace aren’t tough enough, the fact that AS is an “invisible disability” significantly increases the chances of miscommunication and misunderstandings at work. By “invisible” we mean that there are no overt physical signs that someone has AS. In the book  Coming Out Asperger, Jane Meyerding writes, “People ask why we need accommodation, rather than what accommodation we need.”

Although I've suspected for a number of years that I might be "on the spectrum" - a suspicion that was confirmed by my therapist last year - you might wonder why I never opened up about it in the workplace until very recently. The reason was related to the fear of what might happen to my career if I were to "come out" to co-workers and others. Although companies technically aren't allowed to discriminate against current or potential employees based on disabilities - in real life, they can find ways around this. They can turn down an applicant with talk about "cultural fit" and "flexibility". Another factor that kept me in the closet was my own pride in not wanting to see myself as "disabled" in any way, or to raise employers' suspicions that I would use my condition as an excuse for poor performance. Therefore, I did my best to act "normal," to cover up my disability, and even to try and convice myself that it wasn't real.

Such urges to hide our idiosyncracies are natural. As Bissonnette continues to point out:

In most NT workplaces, little or nothing is known about AS, so it’s easy for people to assume that things like lack of eye contact and social gaffes signify rudeness, unfriendliness, or insubordination.......Workplace misunderstandings can result in confrontations with colleagues, or even formal complaints, disciplinary action, and getting fired. For the person with AS, these events are often thoroughly unexpected and can come as a shock. People tell me things like, “I felt as if I’d been hit by a bus.” “I was so panicked that I couldn’t speak.” “The wind was knocked out of me.”

With so much at risk - and with the general "neurotypical" working public unable to understand our condition or unwilling to take it seriously - who can blame the Asperger individual for wanting to stuff it? However, with all things that are suppressed, they are bound to express themselves eventually, even when we are not aware they are being expressed.

It is for that reason - and the need to take steps in the direction of true authenticity - that I decided during my last job hunt to admit my condition, first to myself, and then to potential employers. Checking the "Yes" box on the "Do you have a disability" questionnaires on the job applications (an inquiry that I had always in the past checked "No") felt like an out-of-body experience for me at first. But as I became increasingly honest with myself over the weeks of job-seeking, it became more and more natural.

I've become comfortable with telling the truth to myself - and to others - about who I really am. And for me, that's a reason to celebrate on World Autism Awareness Day.