Why I’ve been quiet this year..

I’m the first to admit that in my personal life, I’m not always the most disciplined.? I join the gym each year and inevitably let it fall down my priority list so that the average cost of a gym visit ends up being about ￡50. I listen to Brene Brown podcasts, buy the books they recommend only for them to sit on my shelf. But my intention to start a newsletter was a work commitment and one that I was determined to follow through on.?

Alas, this year happened.?

Anyone connected with me on here will know that this year has been a year dominated by the sudden death of my dad and an eight-month battle that my brother Jamie had with cancer leading to his death in July.? My intention to engage more, share more, question more, learn more and be more on LinkedIn in an effort to grow our impact at Solutions for the Planet was totally eclipsed by, to be quite honest, the all-consuming devastation of family trauma and trying to raise a one-year-old with some level of hope and lots and lots of love.?

I, and my family, had to turn all our energy inwards rather than outwards. The hope reservoir that I ?store and activate through our work at Solutions for the Planet was completely drained, the joy that I got from working dried up at the prospect of not being able to share that joy with my nearest and dearest.? All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and yet I felt stretched as thinly as Mr Elastic from The Incredibles.

I’m not the person I was before this year happened.? I’m not yet in a place when I can look upon it and embrace the change in me and accept it as positive in any way. ?That said, I am in a place where I want to revive some of that curiosity, connection and commitment to personal and professional growth in a way that will support both myself, my family and friends, our team and the Solutions for the Planet business on this next phase of our journey.?

Whilst I’m not promising that externalising all this will mean that I am able to communicate as regularly as I would like, or indeed in the way I would always like, I am sending a message to myself that it’s been ok not to be ok, and it’s also ok for life to go on at the same time.? The despair and grief doesn’t mean that I can’t and shouldn’t feel the joy, gratitude and hope although it might be harder work to feel them.

I imagine it’s quite common to experience such polarised feelings after trauma.? Whether that be towards a family loss or climate change.? In fact, when I think about it, the polarisation that I am experiencing very acutely this year is actually how we are all chronically operating every day in the face of climate change (that feels like the subject of another blog post!).? But, when we have the awareness of that, we do have an element of choice as to whether we approach life with hate or hope, outrage or optimism, apathy or action.?

I am learning to navigate life with both outrage and optimism but as for hate and apathy, I’m not so keen. I will always strive for Hope and Action.