Why It's Time to Rethink Your Old Stories

Dave hates tomatoes. When I asked where his aversion came from, he launched into a story about being wronged by a tomato when he was five and never looking back.

At 58 years old, Dave has no allergies or digestive issues, and the smell doesn't bother him. I believe a few things are going on here.

First, Dave was a little kid with little kid feelings when he decided that tomatoes were terrible. He was mad that someone made him eat a lot of tomatoes, and it was safer for him to direct his anger at the tomatoes than at the scary adult who had power over him.

He quickly and unconsciously equated tomatoes with betrayal. Out they went.

A trait takes root

As he got older, Dave's vocal and comedic rejection gained him positive social attention; he became known as the guy who hates tomatoes. Each time he’s with friends who accommodate his dietary restriction when ordering food, he feels seen and understood, which releases a little rush of oxytocin. He belongs.?

The benefits start to stack up. No tomatoes = safety, agency, social capital, belonging.

The losses? Designing all aspects of his own identity. Understanding and healing from early threats. Caprese salad.

Once a decade, Dave tries a bite of tomato to test his theory. His brain reconstructs the old memory, tweaking it a little each time. He affirms that tomatoes are awful.?

The person Dave was protecting himself from at the age of five is no longer a threat. But that origin story is lost to time, swallowed by personality.

Right feeling, wrong target

This thing with the tomatoes has me wondering whether it’s time to release my own limiting stories, especially the ones that cut me off from people and experiences.

An example: I’ve long expressed disdain for a certain city, but that's because it was safer to hate the city than the people who harmed me when I lived there. It wasn’t the city’s fault. Cities are neutral.

Back then, blaming the city was the only means of protest I had. I give myself credit for expressing anger, even if it was at the wrong target. I needed time to develop courage and boundaries and provide myself with the safety I didn’t feel as a kid.?

I'm now letting myself remember the city's redeeming qualities and the good memories I buried there along with the bad. Slowly, I can let the city off the hook and place the anger where it was due. And then, set that free that as well.

The call of the wild

You may have some inanimate triggers of your own that call to be released. You don’t have to suddenly decide that you love crimini mushrooms or 80s music (also on my list to consider), but you might investigate the roots of your dislike.

Poke at them a little and notice the feelings they bring up. Find out if the target is the safe one or the real one. Did a pop song actually hurt you, or was it a person connected to the pop song?

This inquiry is especially important if your aversion keeps you from sharing enjoyable experiences with people you like. If your old stories isolate you in some way, question them.

You are now the adult in the room, and you can evaluate whether the old threat is still valid.?

If this sounds like a scary undertaking (we are not actually talking about tomatoes), you don't have to do it alone. Consider working with a therapist to safely unpack the old harms. You can heal.

As we get older, our hearts must grow bolder

Now that I'm in my 50s, I'm searching for more things to say yes to. I want to debunk myths, especially ones I created as a kid. I want to stop assigning meaning to towns and vegetables.

Smells and tastes can evoke strong memories, but you still reconstruct those memories each time you access them. It means that you can nudge them in new directions.

When you release limiting beliefs, you will not lose your identity. Instead, you will make space for something more expansive and beautiful.?

Let go of the story. Eat the tomato.