Why Intuitive Types Get Hooked on Potential and Avoid Reality in Relationships

Why Intuitive Types Develop an Avoidant-Chaotic Attachment Style

Does this sound like you? You have many relationships that appear fine on the surface, but deep down, you feel disconnected. You keep conversations upbeat and practical, avoiding anything that touches on your emotions because it feels unsafe or uncomfortable. Perhaps you find yourself keeping people at arm’s length, not because you don’t care, but because you don’t trust a deeper connection? You've often seemed to be more connected to the idea of what someone could be like if they only... —their potential, who they could become—rather than the reality of who they are.

Or maybe you’ve noticed another pattern: creating chaos. Whether it’s starting arguments, overcommitting, or surrounding yourself with constant distractions, chaos becomes a way to avoid emotional intimacy. It keeps you occupied, safe, and far away from the vulnerability that real connection requires. If this sounds familiar, you may have an avoidant-chaotic attachment—a pattern that prioritizes emotional distance, control, and independence over the uncertainty of vulnerability and closeness.

What causes this pattern? While many factors contribute, I've come to see how deeply our attachment style is connected to the brain's functional preferences, as described in Jung's Psychological Type Theory, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), and the Striving Styles Personality System (SSPS).

Each of the brain's four cognitive functions plays a role in shaping attachment styles. In the case of avoidant-chaotic attachment, the Intuitive Function, whether introverted (Ni) or extraverted (Ne), is a powerful cognitive process that focuses on patterns, possibilities, and abstract connections. Extraverted Intuition (Ne) thrives on exploring divergent ideas and potential outcomes, while Introverted Intuition (Ni) delves into singular insights and deeper meaning to form a clear vision. Individuals with a dominant Intuitive function are often forward-thinking, capable of anticipating events and understanding complex relational dynamics.

In this article, I'll explore the connection between the Intuitive Function and avoidant-chaotic attachment—and share how understanding this insecure attachment style can empower us to break free from these behaviors and build healthier, more secure connections.

What is an Avoidant-Chotic Attachment

An avoidant-chaotic attachment is an insecure attachment style that combines the characteristics of avoidant attachment and the unpredictability of disorganized attachment. People with this pattern value independence and emotional distance like those with avoidant attachment, but they also exhibit behaviors that create or thrive in chaos to avoid deeper emotional vulnerability.

At its core, avoidant-chaotic attachment involves a tension between the desire for connection and the fear of it. While individuals long for intimacy and closeness, they also perceive it as unsafe or overwhelming. As a result, they avoid emotional intimacy by relying on chaotic patterns—conflict, drama, busyness, or external distractions—that keep them from engaging authentically in their relationships.

What Causes Avoidant-Chaotic Attachment?

Avoidant-chaotic attachment often begins in environments where emotional needs are dismissed, neglected, or overwhelmed by inconsistent care. To cope, you learned to value independence over-relying on others. When emotions felt like chaos in childhood—perhaps from volatile relationships or unpredictable caregivers—you developed a preference for control, emotional suppression, and self-reliance.

But here’s the twist: in adulthood, this unresolved tension often expresses itself through creating chaos. It’s a way to subconsciously replicate what’s familiar—emotional unpredictability—while still avoiding real intimacy. It keeps you focused on managing external problems, so you don’t have to sit with internal discomfort or risk the deeper connection that feels unsafe. Emotional closeness is avoided as a way to protect yourself from potential embarrassment, disappointment, or pain. This protective strategy creates a barrier to deeper, more meaningful connections. However, this strategy doesn’t mean you stop longing for connection altogether. With this attachment style, you settle for a connection with a future version of the person—who they potentially or ideally could be—rather than the actual person or relationship.

While individuals with this attachment style may be capable of listening to others share their emotions, they often struggle to recognize and express their own feelings. They may confuse value judgments, such as “I feel stupid” or “I feel ridiculous,” with actual emotions, further complicating their ability to communicate authentically. They may also feel “above” emotions, being more interested in why the emotions exist and what they are connected to rather than their experience of them.

At its core, an avoidant-chaotic attachment stems from losing the connection:

To the Self: Emotional needs and vulnerabilities are suppressed because acknowledging them feels unsafe or futile. Avoidant-chaotic individuals may not even realize they have emotional needs, as they’ve learned to push them aside to survive. This disconnection from self creates an internal void, leaving them feeling hollow or “unfeeling.”

To Others: True intimacy requires emotional presence, but avoidant-chaotic individuals struggle with this because opening up and sharing themselves feels threatening. To avoid the pain of rejection or judgment, they keep others at arm’s length, even in close relationships.

This lack of connection to their own emotions and needs makes it difficult for avoidant-chaotic individuals to engage authentically in relationships. Instead, they often retreat into their own minds, where they create an idealized version of the other person—one that feels safe and manageable. Alternately, they create so much busyness or chaos around them that it serves as a barrier to others accessing what they have so much difficulty sharing.

What Is the Intuitive Function in Jungian Theory?

According to Carl Jung, the Intuitive Function is one of the two mental functions we have in which we gather and interpret information about the world. In Myers-Briggs (MBTI) terms, Intuition (N) doesn’t focus on what is—it zeroes in on what could be. Future-oriented and possibility-driven, Intuition looks beyond the present, searching for patterns, potential, and untapped opportunities.

For Intuitive individuals, this ability to envision possibilities extends beyond ideas and events—it shapes how they approach relationships. They don’t just see the person standing in front of them; they form a connection to the idea of who that person could become. This remarkable capacity to see strengths, growth, and potential can be deeply inspiring, fueling hope and a desire to invest in others. Yet, this gift comes with a profound challenge.

Intuitive individuals naturally see the best in others. They imagine what a relationship could look like if the other person grew, evolved, or stepped fully into their capabilities. This vision becomes their guiding star—a motivator for offering love, support, and energy in the hopes of seeing that potential realized.

However, what happens when the other person’s actions or choices don’t match the vision? When it becomes clear they aren’t capable—or willing—to become the person the Intuitive imagined? Or when they have an avoidant-chaotic attachment style?

The Intuitive Function and the Avoidant Chaotic Attachment

When faced with this gap between reality and potential, Intuitive individuals often respond in ways that reflect their deep investment in their vision for the other person:

1.????? Self-Blame

They internalize the disconnect, thinking, If only I had done more, supported them better, or been different, they would have reached their potential. This belief can lead to feelings of inadequacy and guilt, as though the failure is theirs to own.

2.????? Compensating for the Other Person

Instead of accepting the reality of who the other person is, they might step in to bridge the gap themselves. They compensate for the other person’s shortcomings by:

·??Taking on more responsibility in the relationship

·??Over-functioning to “carry” the relationship forward

·??Making excuses for the other person’s behavior or lack of growth

This effort often leaves the Intuitive person drained, as they’re pouring energy into someone who may not even be interested in changing.

3.????? Trying to "Fix" or "Help"

Intuitive individuals often take on the role of helper or fixer, believing that if they just say the right thing, offer enough support, or provide the right opportunity, the other person will finally grow into the vision they hold for them. This dynamic can lead to codependency, with the Intuitive individual sacrificing their own needs and well-being in the process.

4.????? Rationalizing and Denial

They may ignore evidence that the other person isn’t capable of or willing to grow, rationalizing behavior that contradicts the vision they hold. They might think,?"They’re just going through a hard time right now,"?or?"Once this phase passes, they’ll be the person I know they can be."

In relationships, these individuals may appear distant, inconsistent, or overly analytical, making it difficult for partners to establish trust. The constant inner dialogue about “what could go wrong” erodes their ability to be present and vulnerable.

Could Avoidant-Chaotic Attachment Be Holding You Back?

If you often feel that you are more of an observer than a participant in your relationships, you are likely caught up in an avoidant-chaotic attachment style that keeps you safe but dissatisfied in your relationships.?Here are some telltale signs:

You Avoid Emotional Conversations Talking about feelings feels threatening or unsafe, so you steer the conversation elsewhere or keep it light and practical. This avoidance shields you from vulnerability but leaves your relationships feeling shallow and unfulfilling.

You Create or Thrive in Chaos Whether through constant busyness, drama, or overcommitting, chaos keeps you distracted from your emotions and prevents deeper intimacy. Chaos gives you a sense of control, but it also prevents you from experiencing true emotional connection.

You Idealize Others You focus on someone’s potential instead of accepting them as they are. When they don’t live up to your vision, you withdraw or blame yourself. This habit keeps you stuck in relationships that are based on hope, not reality.

You Prioritize Independence Relying on others feels risky, so you handle everything alone. You share struggles only after the fact, in a detached way, leaving others feeling excluded and powerless to support you. Your insistence on self-sufficiency isolates you, even from those who care deeply about you.

You Feel Disconnected but Long for More Despite your self-protective strategies, you still yearn for a deeper connection—but you don’t trust it’s possible or safe. This inner conflict leaves you caught between loneliness and the fear of being truly seen.

Using Jung's Theory to Move Toward a Secure Attachment

The good news? Jung’s work provides practical tools for individuals with an avoidant-chaotic attachment style to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. At the heart of this growth lies balance—specifically between the Intuitive Function (focusing on possibilities and potential) and the Sensing Function (focusing on tangible reality).

For Intuitive individuals, this balance is essential. While their gift for seeing what fuels creativity, vision, and hope could be, it can also keep them disconnected from reality, especially in relationships. The Sensing Function, on the other hand, anchors them to the present moment by focusing on what is real, concrete, and observable.

For individuals who rely heavily on Intuition, reality often takes a back seat to ideas, possibilities, and future projections. They see the hidden potential in people and relationships, imagining what could happen if things aligned perfectly. While this visionary nature can be a strength, it can also lead to frustration, disillusionment, and exhaustion when reality doesn’t match the ideal.

The Sensing Function helps counteract this tendency by:

1.????? Grounding You in the Present Moment: Instead of getting lost in “what could be,” the Sensing Function helps you focus on what is actually happening right now. By paying attention to the tangible details—someone’s actions, words, or behavior—you gain clarity about the reality of the relationship. Ask yourself: “What am I seeing and experiencing in this moment?” You can also practice noticing concrete things: What did the person say? What are they actually doing?

2.????? Accepting What Is Real: Developing the Sensing Function allows you to accept people and situations as they are rather than holding onto an idealized version of them. It frees you from the cycle of trying to “fix” others or force relationships to match your vision. Remind yourself: “I can appreciate their strengths without needing them to change.”

3.????? Preserving Emotional Energy: By focusing on reality rather than possibilities, you let go of the emotional burden of trying to “make it work” or carry the relationship forward on your own. The Sensing Function helps you see when your efforts are draining you instead of fostering mutual growth.

4.????? Creating Authentic Connections: When you show up grounded in the present, you connect more authentically with yourself and others. By acknowledging both the beauty and limitations of what is real, you can build relationships based on shared respect and understanding—not imagined potential.

True growth happens when you embrace the present moment, trusting that reality—while imperfect—offers the foundation for authentic connection and fulfillment.

Building a Bridge to Connection

Healing from avoidant-chaotic attachment isn’t about suddenly becoming emotionally open overnight. It’s about learning to take small, intentional steps toward connection—both with yourself and the people who matter most.

That kind of connection is possible. It starts with the courage to turn inward, face the disconnection, and take the first step toward healing.

You don’t have to do it alone. Reach out for support when you’re ready—because you deserve relationships that feel real, grounded, and deeply fulfilling.

I look forward to your comments and feedback.

All the best,

Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.

Author, Therapeutic Coach, Psychotherapist

?? For a free consultation or to learn more about how I can support you, contact me at [email protected].

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