Why I'm not going to be in your 'Women's Network'

(Unless the boys are there, too)

When I was about 9 years old, my sleepy, village primary school held a talk given by our local Community Police Officer.

This kind, well-meaning man sat the 15 or so young girls, ranging in age from 8-11, down to give them advice they would need as they begin to explore the world.

This is what he told us.

• Never wear your hair in a ponytail if you are walking alone. It makes it easier for an attacker to grab you.
• Never wear high heels if you are walking alone, especially in the dark. It not only makes it harder for you to run, but the noise of the heel on the pavement could alert potential attackers to your presence as a lone woman.
• Always choose a route that is well-lit and preferably, covered by CCTV. A route past late-night shops or hospitals is preferable, as they will be staffed throughout the night should you need to find safety.

I have remembered that advice ever since - and I have passed it on to friends and connections many times.

I do not, with any confidence, know or remember if the young boys who were our primary school peers ever had a similar talk. All I know is that they were not in that discussion.

You are not safe

That conversation, however well-intentioned (and sadly, valuable), marked that group of young girls out as 'unsafe'.

What was instilled in us was the realisation that we, as young girls and women-to-be, were not safe in our community.

And we still aren't.

This advice - and much more that I have collected over the years - has not protected me from violence executed by men I did not know.

I don't know if it helped me avoid a situation that could have ended in far worse circumstances. But it did not spare me or the 97% of women in the UK who have reported being the victim of violence perpetrated by men.

And as a white, heterosexual, cisgendered woman, I am 'lucky'. Those stats get far worse for less privileged women than I.

What's that got to do with work?

Fast-forward into my adult life, and with all sincerity, eagerness and passion, I have tried to include myself in the workplace conversations around women's equality.

I've been to the workshops. I've attended the talks. I've been to prosecco-fuelled networking events for 'Women in Tech', 'Women in Leadership', 'Women in Design' and many more.

But, like that little girl sitting in a village hall, every time I have looked around those rooms, I have not seen one boy. One man. Ever.

And that's the problem.

Why aren't we talking to the boys?

I did not understand as a child, and it's still no clearer to me as an adult, why we weren't and aren't including the boys in this chat.

The narrative train that was set in motion in primary school, continues.

We are not talking to the men, the boys or our wider communities as a whole about 'not attacking women' and 'how not to threaten the safety of our peers'.

We talk instead about 'how to stay safe', 'how to protect yourself'; how to dodge a threat that simply passes on to the next person walking along that road at night.

So, I'm not playing anymore

Not unless the boys play, too.

I sincerely hope that education for our young people has come along since those mid-90s days.

I hope we're teaching our young people about how to be good citizens, how to be considerate of one another, how to listen to each other, and create safe spaces for all of us to get along together.

But I haven't seen this in my workplaces.

Women's networks are still full of charming, intelligent, brave and exciting women doing their best to shout - from the underpaid seats at the back of the class - that women deserve to be treated fairly, to be respected more than the imaginary husband we've all invented so as not to 'disappoint' a man who approaches us on the street.

Invite the boys, too

I don't want to continue to shout into a void, wheeled out at the next company all-hands to shine the tiniest light on 'the great work women are doing'.

I want the men, non-binary colleagues and everyone in that workshop with me. I want us to learn together how we can make each other feel safer - at home, at work and in our communities.

If we're going to start treating each other fairly, we have to get everybody - and I mean everybody - in that room. And start listening.

Let's rewrite that advice

Just because we grow up and out of our childhood communities, does not mean that we do not carry those narratives into our adult lives.

We need to bring everyone into a conversation to speak openly about our hopes, fears, experiences & motivations for making our worlds safer.

Then maybe, just maybe, we could end up with advice that looks a little more like this.

• It is everyone's right to exist in our communities without fear. If you feel uncomfortable, speak up & ask for support.
• Listen to one another. If someone comes to you with fears, believe them, be quiet and ask them whether they need support or action from you.
• Make noise when you see someone being treated unfairly or disrespectfully. Call out your peers, your friends, your colleagues if you see something that doesn't sit right.

We can change this if we want to

And I sincerely hope we - all of us - want to.