Why I Won't Shrink Myself - Embracing Visibility Without Apology

Invisible and hyper-visible

For many years, I’ve felt the tug of an invisible rope pulling me back, a constant pressure to tone down, soften, and shrink myself to make others more comfortable.?

Like so many others, I’ve felt the weight of being both hyper-visible and yet somehow unseen—my contributions devalued through being overlooked, my talents admired but my presence deemed intimidating.?

And, somewhere along the line, I realised that shrinking was a survival strategy I was no longer willing to choose.

Deciding not to shrink is both a declaration and a journey

It is about recognising one’s worth, embracing visibility, and choosing to be unapologetically oneself—even if that choice disrupts the comfort of others.?

Embracing this visibility can feel revolutionary, especially in spaces that demand us to downplay who we are.

Here, I want to share 6 lessons I’ve learned along the way in affirming my worth, embracing visibility without apology, and some of the hurdles that come with it.

1. Acknowledging the Pressure to Shrink

From an early age, my parents taught me about how I would be perceived as a Black woman.

So, when I hit the world of work and was told not to be “too loud,” or “too opinionated,” or “too confident.”?

Even though I expected these messages over time, they accumulate, telling us that there’s a “right” way to fit in—usually quieter, gentler, smaller.?

For Black women especially, this is a double-edged sword.

We’re often hyper-visible because of stereotypes and systemic biases, yet expected to downplay our brilliance to fit into professional, social, or even personal spaces.

Acknowledging this pressure is the first step to breaking free from it.

When we identify the ways society asks us to shrink, we become more aware of how often we accommodate those demands.?

Are you silencing yourself in meetings because you fear being seen as too assertive??

Are you muting your passions in friendships or relationships to avoid intimidating others??

Recognising these patterns shines a light on how much of ourselves we’re willing to leave behind for the comfort of others.

2. The Cost of Shrinking

Shrinking isn’t just a minor adaptation; it’s a costly, draining endeavour.?

Each time we downplay our worth, each time we choose silence over speaking up, we chip away at our self-confidence and authenticity. It’s a quiet, insidious erosion of self that we often don’t notice until it’s become a habit.

In professional spaces, this can mean missing out on opportunities because we didn’t advocate for ourselves or speak about our accomplishments.?

In personal relationships, it can mean feeling disconnected and unseen, as we hide parts of ourselves to maintain peace.?

When you continuously make yourself smaller, you’re not protecting your relationships or career; you’re slowly losing pieces of yourself.

3. Embracing Visibility Without Apology

Once we see the cost of shrinking, embracing visibility becomes less about ego and more about reclaiming what’s been lost.?

Choosing to be visible is not an act of defiance but a return to oneself.?

It’s about showing up fully, with the understanding that the world may have to adjust to your presence, not the other way around.

This visibility is about being unafraid to take up space, to let our voices be heard, and to stand in our truth.

It means embracing your talents, your ideas, and your ambitions without downplaying or apologising for them.?

This decision to be visible can be challenging, especially in environments that view confidence as threatening or assertiveness as aggressiveness.?

But, the more we practice showing up fully, the more we create a pathway not just for ourselves, but for others who are waiting for permission to do the same.

4. Setting Boundaries and Managing Resistance

When we choose visibility, we will inevitably encounter resistance. Some people will struggle to adjust, to relinquish the comfort they felt when we stayed small.?

In professional spaces, our colleagues might be unprepared for us to advocate for ourselves; in personal spaces, friends or family may find our boundaries unsettling. But, here is where boundaries become our best allies.

Setting boundaries isn’t about distancing ourselves from others; it’s about protecting our integrity. By articulating our needs, and stating what we will and will not tolerate, we assert that our worth and wellbeing matter.?

This doesn’t mean the road is smooth—setting boundaries and holding firm can be uncomfortable, even painful at times.

But, each boundary reinforces the commitment we’ve made to ourselves, to stay true rather than shrink.

5. Cultivating Community and Allies

Visibility can feel lonely, especially when we’re surrounded by those who expect us to stay small. This is why cultivating a community of like-minded individuals is essential.?

Surrounding ourselves with people who encourage our growth, who cheer us on instead of cutting us down, creates a space where we can thrive.

Finding allies doesn’t always mean looking for people who are just like us. It means building relationships with those who understand the value of authenticity and respect our right to take up space.?

Sometimes, these allies are mentors, colleagues, or friends who recognise our worth even when others don’t.?

Together, these connections become a source of strength and reassurance, reminding us that we don’t have to shrink to be valued.

6. Affirming Our Worth Every Day

Choosing visibility is not a one-time decision; it’s a daily practice. Every time we affirm our worth—by speaking up, by setting boundaries, by refusing to shrink—we reinforce the belief that we deserve to be seen.?

This practice may start with small steps: voicing an idea in a meeting, asking for what we need in a relationship, or simply standing tall when we enter a room.

Every act of self-affirmation strengthens our commitment to visibility, not as a way of defying others, but as a way of honouring ourselves.?

And, in choosing not to shrink, we encourage others to do the same.

We create a ripple effect that challenges the status quo, making room for everyone to be unapologetically visible.

?? This Black History Month, Be the Lifeline Someone Needs

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