Why I withdrew from presenting at the largest conference in my industry.

Why I withdrew from presenting at one of the largest conferences in my industry, AFP Toronto Congress21.

It’s likely that no one really cares why I chose to withdraw from presenting at one of the largest conferences in the social impact sector, but I think there is some learning in my “why” so, since I chose not to be vulnerable with you at Congress, I choose to be vulnerable here instead. And if you don't care - feel free not to read on.

I want to be very clear: I do not blame anyone at AFP Toronto or the Congress committee for my decision to withdraw, at the last minute, from the event. I take full responsibility for this decision. There was nothing that AFP Toronto did or could do to change the psychologically unsafe environment in which I found myself leading up to Congress. One small suggestion, moving forward, is to perhaps remind leadership throughout the organization that they have committed to a Code of Conduct and that they should not participate in activities that are counter to this.

In her book Emotional Agility, Susan David talks about psychological safety as existing when we can voice our opinions, dare to be vulnerable and make mistakes, knowing this will be met with kindness, and curiosity, and compassion. Three things that many in our sector fail to embrace.

My co-presenter and I were looking forward to an opportunity to engage with workshop attendees to reflect on difficult questions, deepen our collective understanding, and meet people where they are on their personal anti-racism journey. The session was premised on the idea that if I could model vulnerability, it would make space for others to take similar steps. My co-presenter, a DEI expert, would ask me questions like:

1.????Why do you centre yourself in conversations about racism?

2.????Do you know what is meant by White fragility and how do you overcome it? and

3.????Do you really think you are ‘woke?’

The truth is, I’ve never claimed to be ‘woke.’ I’ve only ever claimed to be a person trying to do the best they can to do better, to be better. It was entirely possible that in our public conversation about racism in the social impact sector, I would say something racist, or sexist or homophobic. My biases might surface. My internalized racism and heteronormativity and ableism too. Any time we put ourselves ‘out there’ no matter how much we rage against our deep-rooted ‘isms’ – we risk them rising to the surface because in spite of our efforts to be conscious of the unconscious -- it is entrenched. It takes effort to be better, to do better. It takes courage too.

To be vulnerable, you must trust that you are in a safe and brave space. You must believe that those in attendance come in the spirit of growth and will participate with you – not throw stones.

Unfortunately, leading up to the event, I experienced some in AFP leadership roles, and others in our sector, act in a manner that was deeply disturbing. Folks chose to appear politically correct rather than embrace empathy, kindness and compassion -- which is expected of the sector. They saw only one right answer, one right way to apologize, one right voice to ‘own’ an issue.

Leaders demonstrated blatant ageism and dismissed those of us who were in the trenches, paving a way for them, before they were out of diapers. They failed to value all five generations currently in the workforce and arrogantly believe only they know the best way to advance change.

Leading into Congress, I found myself publicly criticized, privately chastised, silenced and the recipient of veiled and not so veiled threats. I’ve had people disassociate with me and my work without so much as a conversation making huge assumptions about who I am and what I represent. I have been judged, disparaged and insulted, called disingenuous, opportunistic, and unethical. I was told that even though there were 20 voices raised towards me, and these voices separated by only one degree, I was not to “turn this into a bullying scenario.” Because of course they decide if I feel bullied not the other way around, right?

In one case, because I wrote “Your honest feedback will be received with humility and a desire to do better” I was accused of trying to rally support around me when in fact, I was trying to understand. I wanted to be better.

For the sake of argument, let’s assume I was very wrong. I made mistakes. I caused harm.

Do you think that any of the actions above (insults, judgment, name-calling, disassociation) will move the conversation forward? Improve our sector? Build community? Deepen understanding? Reflect our values? Begin reparation or reconciliation?

This is the most unforgiving of sectors. In my lifetime, I’ve never had an apology refused except by people in this – the philanthropic sector. In this climate, apologies are only accepted if they meet a set criterion.

Apologies are data that will later be used against you. They are not the beginning or extension of a dialogue, they are missives to be dissected and rejected so we can continue to be angry, to hate, to self-righteously judge.

According to the AFP Global code of ethical standards, we agree to “Foster cultural diversity and pluralistic values and treat all people with dignity and respect.” And to be sure, there is a small clique of ‘cool-kids’ who support each other endlessly. But for most of us, there is no room for error. If you mess up, you will not be forgiven. You will be silenced, sidelined and told that you are irrelevant or not worthy of a response.

In many ways, the last few months have been a story within the story of why I wrote my first book. And by the way, though I do believe the behaviors I've been exposed to are examples of both bullying and mobbing -- I don’t feel bullied. I don't feel bullied because for every one of the naysayers – there are 10 or more supporters who have pre-ordered the book or attended the launch event or reached out to say “thank you for writing this book.”

If we really want to advance change rather than simply elevate ourselves as the voice of a generation, or the voice for (insert an identity) people or the voice for a sector that experiences sexual assault and harassment at an alarming rate, then we need to bring humility, kindness, and collaboration to the table - and leave our egos at home.

If you want to learn more about what kind, compassionate, inclusive and productive workplaces look like, pre-order Tarnished: Let’s rethink, reimagine and co-create a new social impact sector. Use the code Congress21 until November 30th to receive a 21% discount. Tarnished – Hilborn Civil Sector Press (hilborn-civilsectorpress.com)