Why I Tell My Clients to Eat Marshmallows

Delaying life’s joys for later success is no longer the answer.

Whenever you find yourself stressed, overwhelmed, and on the brink of burnout, remember this phrase: Eat the marshmallow.

I don’t mean that sugar is an antidote to stress. But it is a metaphor for not putting off those small joys that make life worth living.

The famous marshmallow study and what it really means

You may have heard of the marshmallow study, a 1960s psychological study in which a Stanford researcher gave preschool children a choice: Eat one marshmallow right now, or wait a short time and get to eat two marshmallows. Researchers tracked the children into adulthood and found that those who delayed gratification and waited for the two marshmallows were more successful students and adults.

This line of thinking seems to affect many entrepreneurs and business leaders, including some of my executive coaching clients. “If I wait until the end of this project/this week/this quarter, I can take a vacation/start exercising/simply take a break,” they say. The problem is, there is always another project, another week, and another quarter, and that moment to step back and enjoy life — that moment to eat the marshmallow — never comes.

But what about the study’s findings? When fellow researchers tried to replicate the marshmallow study, they couldn’t yield the same results. It turns out that there are many more factors at play, like socioeconomic status, cognitive differences, and emotional regulation skills. Life is just much more nuanced than “delayed gratification equals later success.”

In fact, some psychologists say that when we habitually delay gratification, the delaying itself becomes gratifying. They call it chronic delayed gratification, and it can mean we live a whole life without ever doing the things that bring us joy, happiness, and peace.

How to eat a marshmallow

My most overwhelmed clients say their situation is unchangeable. Their workload is huge and out of their control. Many tell me they’ve been in this mode for so long, they have forgotten how to have fun. They don’t know how to take a vacation without checking emails. Sometimes, I ask these clients to close their eyes and breathe for a full minute. Some make it through the 60 seconds, open their eyes, and smile with relief. Others can’t make it 10 seconds without opening their eyes in panic.

So, how do you “eat a marshmallow” when this is your reality? Here’s what I have my clients do.

Start with mini marshmallows.

Like any lifestyle change, you’re more likely to succeed if you opt for gradual change. One of my clients, Sarah, is a West Coast-based physician who works for a government agency on the East Coast. She wakes up every day at 4 a.m. to line up with East Coast working hours. But when it’s 5 p.m. East Coast time, Sarah keeps going, catching up on all the emails she missed during a day of calls. She regularly puts in 14-hour days and is exhausted.

I told Sarah it was time to eat some marshmallows — but, starting small, they can be mini marshmallows. I asked if there was something she loves to do that she can realistically slot into her day. What makes her feel good?

“I love going for walks,” she said. But she skips them to catch up on emails or do laundry instead. How can she make a small, daily change?

“I am going to put on my walking shoes every day at 3 p.m. and go for a 30-minute walk,” she replied.

We checked in a month later and Sarah had kept her promise to herself.

“I can’t tell you how much better I feel,” she said. “This was life-changing. I’m going to commit and try to find other ‘marshmallows’ in my life that give me more joy and happiness.”

What is in your control?

When my clients say their workload and responsibilities are completely out of their control, I ask them to take a step back and take an objective look at their situation. If you were a stranger taking a look at your life, what would you see?

When they do this, light bulb moments abound. When they dig deeper and take a detailed look at their 12-, 14-, and 16-hour days, they find that there is much they can delegate. There are tasks and projects that they can let go of and trust others can do just as well. They learn to say no to things, to stop taking pride in how busy they are, and to find self-worth in things other than their work. They find they can lighten their workloads to make room for a few “marshmallows.”

“Eating the marshmallow” reminds us that when we put off happiness for future success, we just might end up putting off happiness forever. So, find your marshmallows — big or small — and enjoy them. You’ll thank yourself later.

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