Why I Teach Intentional Leadership: Fewer Doormats, Fewer Assholes

A few years ago, one of my close friends asked me why I do the work I do—interpersonal communication, leadership development, diplomacy training, strategy—and I told her it’s because I want people to be better leaders.

She looked at me and said, “Duh! Donnie, I got that, but why? Why? WHY?”

After fumbling through four or five answers, I finally blurted out:

“Because I’m tired of watching people be doormats or assholes!”

She burst out laughing and said, “YES! I believe that! I can get behind that. Here’s to fewer doormats and fewer assholes!”

That conversation stuck with me because it’s true. And yes, I know “asshole” is strong language—but that’s the point.

The way we talk to one another—whether at work or in our personal lives—can be harsh, even damaging.

I see it all the time: sharp words that strain relationships or silence that breeds resentment and erodes trust.

There’s got to be a balance.

Empathy and compassion matter—a lot—but so do boundaries and self-advocacy.

We don’t have to tear people down to be effective leaders, but we also don’t have to let them walk all over us.

Why This Matters

Here’s the thing, sadly, for a lot of people, the skills that help us stand up for ourselves and treat others with respect aren’t natural. They’re not something we’re all taught or we forget with the demands and pressures of work and life get high.

Think about it—how many of us grew up with:

• Cultural norms that valued being "nice" or “agreeable” more than being authentic?
• Societal expectations that made speaking up feel unsafe or out of place?
• A fear of consequences for challenging the status quo or questioning authority?
• Pressure to avoid being labeled as “too much,” “too difficult,” or “too emotional” for expressing ourselves?
• Leaders, parents, or authority figures who modeled either aggression or total avoidance, but rarely a healthy balance?

I know people don't like talking about it, but these patterns impact how we show up, communicate, and advocate for ourselves.

The good news is these skills can be learned. And they’re not just important for life—they’re critical for our career, leadership, trust, and success in any space.

What Intentionality Looks Like

When I talk about "intentionality," "thoughtfulness," or "deliberateness," I’m talking about questions like:

• How do you disagree with someone in a way that’s honest, diplomatic and respectful?
• How do you advocate for yourself without coming across as too passive—or too aggressive?
• How do you make sure your needs are on the table and met without overpowering others?

These aren’t abstract ideas. They’re real skills that can change the way you lead, collaborate, and connect with others.

Learning Through the Fire

For better or for worse, most of what I teach—whether it’s about:

• Interpersonal communication
• Leadership development
• Burnout recovery and joy restoration
• Business growth and entrepreneurship
• Emotional and nervous system regulation

—is rooted in what I’ve had to personally learn and figure out for myself. I’ve learned how to stand up for what I need, how to lead with confidence without being overbearing, how to stay steady under pressure, and how to do great work without losing myself or my spark.

And it's not easy. Fortunately, I've had incredible mentors and coaches along the way who've helped me navigate those challenges. That’s partially why I do what I do now—because I know how valuable quality mentorship and guidance can be.

Kindness Doesn’t Equal Weakness

For years, people told me, “Donnie, you’re too nice.”

Last fall, one of my former bosses hired me to do leadership work for her new company. During our debrief, she said, “You’ve changed.”

Curious, I asked, “How so?”

She said, “When I first met you in 2018, my first impression was, ‘Oh my God, he’s so nice.’ But now, I see that you’re thoughtful and kind. Those are different.”

She was right—I have changed. Some people appreciate it, and some don’t.

Back then, I let things slide. I didn’t want to rock the boat. But now? If something doesn’t sit right with me, I’ll speak up. Maybe not in the moment, but I’ll find the right time—likely one-on-one—to address it. For me, that’s thoughtfulness. That’s intentionality in practice.

Let me tell you—it’s not easy. There are days I want to scream, rage, or just ignore it all. But I always come back to my mantra: Fewer doormats, fewer assholes.

So, like you, my practice continues.

All this to say, kindness isn’t weakness. Kindness is honesty and boundaries. It means I don’t have to be a jerk to make my point, and I won’t let myself be walked over, either.

If you’re struggling to find that middle ground—the space between being too accommodating and being too aggressive—I see you. I’ve been there. And I promise, it’s possible to find that balance where you can lead and communicate with clarity, confidence, and respect.

You might just need a little extra guidance, like I did.

An Invitation

If this resonates or if you're having difficulty finding that middle ground—let’s connect.

I'd love to hear about your successes and/or challenges with finding this balance.

And if you’re not interested, that’s okay too. I hope you find whatever support and guidance you need. Either way, I’m wishing you continued success.

Here’s to better #communication, stronger leadership, and finding the balance we all need to thrive.

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