This is Why I Struggle on Mother's Day

Mother’s Day is coming up and like every year, I am not looking forward to it.

I realize that may not be the popular feeling, but this annual recurrence opens up wounds in my soul that will never be completely healed.

After years of silence, I decided I would share my story in the hope it could be of comfort to other people that struggle with the celebration of this day.

When I was 34 years old, I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure, a condition that affects less than 2% of women. It is indeed a select group. This condition leads to premature menopause, and, uncomfortable symptoms aside, one of its main consequences is infertility.

I found out about this on a cold day in February 2010, a month after I had just started a new job at the University of British Columbia. My doctor left a voicemail message delivering the news, which left me totally numb. As I was in a new workplace, I felt I could not share with anyone. I felt alone, confused and completely vulnerable.

The months after the diagnose felt like a whirlwind, seeing me and my husband going from one doctor to another trying to understand, gather facts, and get a different opinion.?

The diagnose was confirmed and in all this, deep down I started to feel like an incomplete woman.

The years after the diagnosis were not easy. Not only did I have to deal with my physical and emotional issues connected to my condition, but I had to face people around me who asked questions that were not always welcome. My family could not understand why I wouldn't participate in baby showers. There were strangers, colleagues and acquaintances who would take pity on me when I would say I did not have kids.

This has been a hell of a journey and despite it all, I consider myself fortunate for many things in life. This has inevitably shaped the woman I am today.

Many women say that motherhood has changed them for the better and transformed how they approach life. For me, since I was not given this privilege, I’d say that not becoming a mother has taught me many lessons.?

I have become so resilient. My diagnosis challenged my body and my mind, and living through this has tested my patience and level of tolerance in many ways.

I have always been quite an empathetic person and this experience has helped me understand even more what it means to give and receive empathy.?

I grew up in a family where assumptions were often used to determine if someone could be trusted or not. This experience made me realize that asking the right questions and remaining curious is the most powerful way to gain trust.

I have learned to appreciate my partner and not take him for granted. This journey has impacted us in many ways and I am so grateful he’s been with me all the way through it.

I have renewed my trust in life. I often ask myself what will be of me when I grow old or who will take care of me one day and I choose to trust that life will take care of it in one way or another.?

I discovered that I can exercise my motherly instincts in many different ways. I do this by helping others grow in their career and make changes in their life through coaching.

I have learned the profound value of asking for help even when it’s hard to share your pain.??

I never thought I would be able to share this but I realized that when I was able to share, it brought me relief because someone was there to listen.?

Most importantly, I have finally come to a place of acceptance and stopped seeing myself as half a woman.?

On this day, I want to celebrate all the women and people who struggle in silence.?

You are not alone.